Our Eternal Ruin (Auslly)

37. A brand new start

He'd given me his heart a long time ago—and now I was giving it back, not because I didn't want it. But because I wanted to share it. With him. Forever.

~Ally~

When Cassidy drove me up to the hospital, my first thought was something had happened to Austin.

Funny, how you think you can be totally over something. And then one tiny little thing happens and immediately you're back to that place. I wondered if PTSD was like that.

You live your life every day, going through the motions, and then BOOM! Something suddenly happens to throw you off kilter and the only thing you want to do is go sit in a corner and rock back and forth.

When she parked and didn't start crying or saying that we were there because the man I loved was dying—again. I lost it.

Too close to home.

I wanted to leave.

Actually, I wanted to smack Austin and then I wanted to leave. How dare he scare me like that!

"Hey!" Cassidy grabbed my hand. "You need to do this."

"I don't want to." I knew I sounded like a whiny child, and Austin had probably gone to a lot of trouble to use the little chapel at the hospital. But I didn't...I couldn't. My throat felt thick as I tried to swallow.

I hadn't had a panic attack in a really long time.

But being back in that hospital, even in the parking garage, was doing some serious damage to my nervous system.

I didn't want to stay and fight. I wanted to run away. I wanted to run in the opposite direction of the memories of Austin lying in that hospital bed. Of the look on his face when he said goodbye.

My breath hitched in my chest as my stomach clenched with fear.

Of the tears in his eyes when he wasn't sure if it was going to be for a few hours—or forever.

I sniffled.

Cassidy handed me a tissue and started slowly rubbing my back. "Talk to me, Ally."

"It feels like yesterday," I whispered. "I'm terrified that when I walk in that door, he's going to be back in that hospital bed, or worse, something's going to happen. I just—I know it's not logical but I don't feel very logical right now."

"It's your wedding day." Cassidy shrugged. "Who says you have to be logical?"

I smiled through my tears.

"If it makes you feel better." She continued, "I haven't gone back either."

"To the hospital?"

"No." She stopped rubbing for a minute. "To any of my mistakes. I haven't faced my demons at all. It doesn't make it easier you know."

"Are you sure?" My lips trembled as a few tears ran over them.

"Positive." Cassidy handed me another tissue. "Just because you avoid something, doesn't make it disappear. I think we'd like to imagine that life doesn't work that way. But the giant never really dies Ally, not until you throw the damn rock."