Hate (A.I)

Part 3 (Trigger warning**)

-Ashton's pov-

I wake up about two hours later and stretch my back, keeping my eyes closed. I still feel tired but I don't think I can sleep anymore. My brain is turned on again with a million things running through it that I can't make clear.

I want to check Twitter so bad. Just to see what the 'fans' have caught on about and I have missed. I want to see what they think about me. How they think I should feel. What they think I should feel. I want to because- Well, because I believe them.

I mean, I am pretty ugly. My voice is stupid. I look gay. I act gay. The boys probaly just pretend to like me. Just like all of the fans. The guys are probably just using me as a temporary drummer until they can find a permananent one.

Yeah. That's probably what they're doing now.

Replacing me.

That's okay. They deserve better. Someone who can actually drum well. One who is actually worth their while. One that the fans love. One that can love himself. Or herself. I think even a female drummer would be better than me.

Hell, any drummer would be better than me.

-

I give this up. I need to look at Twitter. I just have to see what they think now. I need to know how they feel within this moment. I just.. I need something to fuel my hate fire. I mean, yeah, I hate seeing it, but... It's just-I don't know.

I pull my phone out of my back pocket and plop back on my couch, turning it on. After typing in my password, I go to Twitter. I click on my DMs and bite my bottom lip, chewing on it.

@IrwintheGeek, I read to myself. The username makes me smile a little. It's cute. But I decide to skip over it for one reason. And that's because I've noticed that most of the people with part of my name in it are the ones who give me the most hate. So I try to avoid it.

@Hemmingsbae_44lyfe. I read another one and click on it, deciding what this person has to say. It's only one message, so it couldn't be too bad.

@Hemmingsbae_44lyfe; Hey, Ashton! Or should I say, gay emo fag wanna be that no one loves? Oh, yeah. That sounds better. You know, you really should go and cut deeper. Honestly, we all hate you.

I was wrong. God. That hurt. My chest feels so tight right now. But I can't cry. I can't let this get to me. I'm the one who brung myself to look at this. It's as if I'm asking for it. Man, am I that desperate?

Am I so desperate to find another excuse to fall back into the habit of hurting myself? I am so pathetic. I hate myself so much. I know why the fans hate me now. I know. I see what they see.

I am ugly. I am stupid. I am the worst member of the band. I am nobody. And I need to cut deeper.

Yeah. That's what I'll do. I'll give them what they want. After all, I am the most dedicated to the fans. I'd do anything for them. So, if they want me to hurt, I'll hurt. I'll give them what they want.. It's what I deserve anyway.

I toss my phone on the other end of the couch as my vision blurs and I stand up. I made a promise to the fans. I made them all a promise before they started hating me. I told them that I would quit. I would for them because each and everyone of them are my sunshines. They got our band to where we are. And I wanted to make them as happy as they made me.

But, now, they're doing the opposite of making me happy. But I still want to make them happy. For that's what they deserve. Hell, they deserve the whole fucking world. They're just that amazing. So, since quiting made them happy for a short while, I guess starting again will bring their happiness back.

I might not be happy anymore, but that doesn't matter. I don't matter. They do. I am nothing. And they are everything. And if making their lives better means making mine worse, then.. Well...

I'm willing to give it a shot.

Why was this so hard to write? ))))::::
I hope you guys enjoyed it.
Sorry it was short and horrible.
Sorry for taking so long to update. I've been working on other fanfics lately. Plus I've had no ideas for this one...
So, yeah.
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I'll hopefully have another update up by tomorrow afternoon.
It just depends on how much homework I get done.