Hate (A.I)

Part 4 (Trigger Warning**)

I walk into the bathroom and shut the door behind me. Though I live by myself, I lock it. The boys sometimes decide to just walk right in my house without even knocking. And I don't want them to know what I'm doing. I don't want them to know how much of a mistake I am. They don't deserve it. They really don't.

I open up the medicine cabinet and just hold it open as I stare in at it. My stomach chruns as I start to remember some of the things I would do to myself. I hated myself so much back then and I'm not doing anything right now besides picking back up on old habits.

I shake my head and start digging through the cabinet, looking for the thing I've been avoiding since I was 17.

After knocking down almost all the bottles of pills and acne creams, I give up. I drop to the floor and slide down against the counter. I cry angry tears as I punch the side of the wall.

I am so pissed at myself. I have a longing to feel the blade digging into my skin. I need to feel it. And the fact that I can't fight a damn blade pisses me off and only makes me want to hurt myself more. I must've flushed them whem I was first trying to quit.

I need a substitute. And I need one fast. I just.. I can't take this any longer. I hate myself now. The fans have made me realize how horrible I truly am. How much I deserve to hurt. I am weak. So weak, I'm crying because I can't find a damn blade to hurt myself.

How much more pathetic can I get?

Maybe I still have my lighter. From that phase I was going through less than a month ago. I've never burned myself, but it's worth a shot, right? It's still physical pain, so it can take away my mental pain too. Much like cutting?

I nod to myself and unlock the bathroom door, walking out.

I remeber I had put my lighter in a box that's under my bed. I put a lot of stuff in a box under my bed. Just so I wouldn't have to look at it any more or mess with it. Some of it just brung back too many memories and I didn't need that around the time I first started using it.

I sigh to myself and sit on the edge of my bed and I reach and feel around under my bed. My fingertips graze the box and I extend my arm pulling it out. I swallow as I stare at the box, painful memories come into mind as I shove them away.

I don't need to think right now. Just do.

Yikes. This is short af.
I just wanted to update real quick before I went to bed.
I might not update tomorrow.
Because I wanna make a super long chapter to make up for the really short ones.
I hope you guys don't mind.
Crazy_MoFo90 your comments make me giggle! Love ya! (: xx