Hate (A.I)

Part 5 (Trigger Warning**)

I open the box and start digging through all the pictures of me and my family-well, what my family used to be- until I come across the green lighter.

There isn't much fluid in it, but there's still enough to were the flame will come out. And, right now, that's all I need.

I bite my lip and stand back up, scurrying to the bathroom. I lock the door behind me and press my back to it, sliding down it slowly. I hold the lighter tight in my hand as I pull my knees to my chest.

Don't think about it, I tell myself. Just do it.

I look at my wrist and then at the lighter in my hand. Do I really want to do it on such an obvious place? No. I need to keep this hidden. I'll do it on my sides. Maybe that'll be good enough for the fans.

Slowly, I stand back up and pull my shirt off over my head, standing in front of the mirror. I'm so fat and ugly. Everyone's right about me. My body is just as awful as my face. I'm hideous.

But that's why I'm doing this.

I ignite the lighter and run my fingertips along the area of my side I plan on burning myself at. My skin tingles, wanting the burning sensation. Craving it.

I close my eyes as a tear slips and runs down my cheek, hitting my lips and stopping. I run the flame along my side and hiss at the pain, dropping the lighter. My eyes snap open and more tears begin to fall.

"You idiot!!" I scream at myself and punch the counter top of the sink as the tears continue to spill at a more rapid rate.

"You're so fucking weak!" I'm beating myself up over this. But I deserve to. I need this pain. But I'm so weak I can barely even give myself the satisfaction.

But, then again, this was only my first time using a lighter to hurt myself. Of course I was a little afriad of it. I'm not sure what I'm capable of doing to myself.

Sighing, I wipe my eyes and grit my teeth a little. I bend over and pick the lighter back up. When I'm standing again, I look into the mirror. I have a red place where I attemtped to burn myself.

I mentally laugh at myself for being so pathetic as to barely cause myself the pain I so desperately wanted.

Fuck this. I'm trying it again. If I can't cut, then this is what I'm doing. Because I can't take the pain anymore. The pain is practically unbearable at this point. And, I know, that it won't get any better. It's only going to get worse.

I'm going to get worse.

Maybe if I take a different approach to this, it'll be easier. Yeah, I think that's what I'll do. I'll still burn myself- for the pain- just in a different way. So I'll still be getting what I need to wash away this mental pain.

I place the lighter on the sink counter top and open the medicine cabinet again, digging through it some more.

I search through it until I find a nail that I had put in there to fix a shelf in the bathroom. However, I never got to it. Guess my procrastination saved my ass for once. Meaning, it came in handy for once.

I grab it and slam the medicine cabinet shut, looking at the nail on my hand. My finger tips tingle as do my sides as I think of what I'm going to do to myself.

I deserve this, I think to myself. I deserve to hurt. To be in pain. I deserve to do this to myself.

Letting out a slow, shaky breath, I pick up the lighter and ignight the flame again. I start heating the end of the nail up, biting my lip. My body tingles even more as I stare at it. I'm growing more anxious for the burn.

I place the lighter back on the sink and stare at the nail. I can't waste any time on this. The nail will cool down. So I need to do it now.

I close my eyes and press the end of the nail to my side. I instantly cry out in pain, but refuse to move the nail from my skin. It hurts like a bitch, but I like the pain. Because I know I deserve it.

When the pain slowly starts to go away, along with the burn, I open my eyes, allowing the tears I was holding back to fall. They role down my cheeks slowly as I pull my bottom lip between my teeth and pick the lighter back up again.

I'd say I deserve at least... Five burns. This time.

This isn't as long as I'd hoped, but, hey!
An update!
I hope you guys liked it!
I feel awful for writing it!
My poor baby!!!!
I crii!
Anyways, my brother got back with one of his exes!
(She was my favourite girl he ever dated)
They're talking on the phone
And awe awe awe awe awe awe awe awe awe
They're so cute it's unreal!
Okay, don't forget to vote and comment!
And share the shit outta this book because you guys love me?
And I love you too!
I'll hopefully have another update up by tomorrow!
And it will hopefully be longer!
It depends on how I feel after Marching band practice.
(: