On The Inside

Weakness

I always said I was okay. I knew I wasn't. I don't know why I never said anything.

I thought: what if I just let it slip? It could make the end easy.

And I was slowly pushing myself away from the ones I thought I loved.

Everyone has their own problems. Everyone has reasons to feel the way they do.

I don't.

And it frustrates me. So much.
My feelings are illogical and unreasonable. There is no real reason for them to exist.

That makes me mad.
Makes voices scream in my head that I'm weak.
I'm not.

I swear.

I think.

Nothing makes sense.

Not even the numbing pain in my chest.

The release calls but I won't be weak.

I won't,

Not this time around.

I must stay stronger. I must fight harder. I must push those feelings back farther. There is no reason for them. They are illogical and unreasonable.

Soldier on.

But is that what they call it when all you can do is live mechanically.

When all you can do is shut down to your emotions. Toss them far into a corner in your mind.

Because you must.
There isn't another choice.
To leave would be selfish and ungrateful.

And weak.

I'm not weak.

To give up would be wrong. And unjust by those who give you everything.

And weak.

I'm not weak.

I'm not.

And the one who I thought loved me most left me.

I am weak.

They say they're sorry but do they really know just what they have done?

I can never keep anyone for long anyway.

They always leave.

That's why I don't show myself to anyone.

Ever.

Withdraw the curtains I'm done.

Worthless and never good enough.
Never will be good enough or worth anything.
Guess that blade is my friend again.

The funny thing is, I haven't cried.
Because I'm so used to all you fuckers that break my heart.

I'm fucking numb to everything.

You've ruined me officially.

You can say sorry.

They're just words.

And how am I to know if the words you just told me are like every single other?

A lie?

Never mind doesn't matter anyway.

Like the rest of what's on the inside.