I Love Him... but only On My Own

Chapter 1

Here I am again, staring out the window of my room, waiting for him to come back. It has been 3 years since he left. I still remember the night before he was to return to America to fix his papers to move here in China. We were sitting under the Magnolia tree of my house teasing each other but when I remembered he was to leave tomorrow; I stopped and felt tears glistening in my eyes.

"Hey, what's wrong? Come on, you're being rude. My joke's not that bad." His voice was very soothing, like a flowing river. I would miss that voice.

I sniffed and look up at his eyes, those dark brown pools that made me swoon heads over heels for him. "It's just that, I'm gonna miss you. I don't want you to leave. Please..." Now I can't hold it back anymore. I started sobbing, burying my face into my lap because I didn't want him to think I was a cry baby. "Awww...don't cry, Chun Yin. I'll just fix my papers and I'll be back before you know it. Besides, I've got a gift for you." He grinned at me and soon my tears stopped, curiosity taking control over me. "Yeah? What is it?" "I'm gonna sing for you." Oh yes! His voice was really charming and if you heard him sing you'd fall in love with that voice and you'd ache to hear it again.

Last Night of the World (Miss Saigon)

"In a place that won't let us feel, in a life where nothing seems real... I have found you. I have found you..." Great. A duet. I thought he was the one to sing, not both of us. I pouted at him. "Oh come on Chun... it's your turn." We both smiled and I sang my part:

"In a world that's moving too fast, in a world where nothing can last... I will hold you. I will hold you." I hugged him tight.

"Our lives will change when tomorrow comes."

"Tonight our hearts drown the distant drums"

"We have music alright, tearing the night. A song... played on a solo saxophone..." Now I know why he chose this song. We first met in a party when our friends paired us together to dance while one of them played the saxophone... sweet of him. He continued.

"...a crazy sound..."

"...a lonely sound..."

He gave my forehead a small kiss and we sang together.

"A cry that tells us love goes on and on. Played on a solo saxophone... it's telling me to hold you tight and dance like it's the last night of the world." Everything was perfect. We danced under my favourite tree, next to the small pond. I hugged him but he let go.

"On the other side of the earth, there's a place where life still has worth. I will take you!"

I ran to him and he caught me in his strong arms, twirling me around and we laughed together.

"I'll go with you!"

"You won't believe all the things you'll see. I know because you'll see them all with me."

I tried to imagine what America looks like. I saw a beautiful house and I'd spend my life with him. I grinned and we continued...

"If we're together that's when, we'll hear it again... our song. Played on a solo saxophone... a crazy sound... a lonely sound... a cry that tells us love goes on and on. Played on a solo saxophone... so stay with me and hold me tight and dance like it's the last night of the world."

A knock on my door startled me out of my thoughts. My friend, Augio, peeked in and smiled, holding out a plastic bag with my favourite moon cakes and ice cream in it. "Hey, Chun. I bought this for you. Wow, girl... look at your hair... it's a mess. When did you last comb your hair?" he asked me. Augio was like a big brother to me. He would protect me from those mean girls outside who would try to bully me when I was 7. I answered weakly to him. "I don't know... 3 days ago? 3 weeks? 3 months? Or 3 years?" he shook his head at me and placed the treats on my bed and sat. "Hua Chun Yin, it's time for you to move on. He's not coming back. You know it. Look at you, you're a mess... if only you'd..." I cut him off and said "Get out of my room. NOW!" He frowned and went straight to the door. I don't care what my friends thought about me: that I was getting thinner every day, my once soft and pinkish white skin now a sickening light grey and my eyes surrounded by dark circles. I rarely eat and when I do, I don't finish the bowl of rice mama gives me. And now, I have this food here, waiting for it to rot. I thought of Robert. He'd come back for me. He promised me. I cried my eyes out and soon enough, I fell asleep.