Starring Role {Book #4 Justin & Blake Series}

Dear Justin/Dear Blake

Dear Justin,

I miss you. I miss your voice. I miss how things used to be. I miss your hot breath against my neck. I miss your soft whispers into my ear. I miss your sweet voice singing to me. I miss your high tone, your low hush. I miss the way you would always call me baby or babe. I miss the love you had for me. And now, you’re giving all my love away slowly. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on, because I still miss you. And you’re still my knight in shining armor.

Dear Blake,

I’m so tired. I’m so tired of how things are right now. I know I’ve forced this onto myself, but I’m just so tired. I’m tired of the fact that I can’t get you out of my mind when I was the one who left. I’m tired of the fact that I know I’ll come right back to you. I’m tired of the fact that you have me wrapped around your finger and you don’t know about it. I’m tired that you inadvertently took advantage of my life. I’m tired of saying “This is it” when I know it’s far from “it”. I have destroyed the person inside of me. All I ever wanted was to tell you the truth and I failed. I’m doing the best I can to let you go. But knowing me, I’ll never let you go. I’m just tired of being tired. I’m just so tired of being lifeless.

***

Dear Justin,

3:25 am. That’s the time. The exact time. I’m still no better from yesterday. I’m going through all this shit while you’re probably perfectly fine with your life. I’m really supposed to think you care? Because I don’t think you do. You’ve proven that you don’t care about me, or about this. My hopes were high, and this is all your fault. I’m not even mad anymore. More than anything, I don’t want to be mad at you. Instead, I want to love you more. I want to talk to you every night again. I want to get those butterflies when I hear your voice or you kiss me. But I know I can’t. Because I’m always the one coming back. If you don’t chase me, you’re giving up on this relationship. You have given up on this relationship. And I couldn’t possibly love a quitter.

Dear Blake,

It’s exactly 12:07 am and I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep because what if we don’t meet in my dreams tonight and I’ll be lonely in the morning? You’re happy. I have no idea. Did I really just put myself in this spot again, the very same spot I have been in so many times before? It feels so natural; I don’t even have to think about it. I said I wasn’t going back. I said I was going to pack up all my stuff, go, and never look back. I don’t know how long that will last. What draws me back towards you? What makes it impossible to think about my life without you? You’re an addiction, my addiction. One of the most dangerous addictions I can have, worse than drugs or alcohol.  Because with you, the most hurtful and harmful part is the fear. I will always feel like I’m just not good enough for you; that I don’t deserve you. You could be with anyone in the world and I’m supposed to believe that you just want me? That’s not how it works, at least not in this world. I wish I could leave, yet I’m more than happy to stay. Somehow, you have become the best thing in my life. I don’t know how or when, but you have. You are the first and last thing I think about each day. You are the nerves in my stomach, the shake in my voice. You are the morning sun, full of warm perfection. You are the ocean at nighttime, cool and full of comfort. Somewhere along the road, you have become everything I’ve ever wanted or needed. Somehow, you’ve become everything I ever dreamed of. Somehow, you’ve become the one.

***

Dear Justin,

And as I grow, I realize that there was nothing I could have done to possibly change your mind. I have pictured all of the possible outcomes. What if I was prettier? What if I made you laugh more? What if I told you I loved you more often? The only thing that always comes to mind is that nothing would’ve changed your mind. It’s time to stop focusing on what I might have done wrong and start realizing what the real question is: what have you done wrong? We did not go wrong, you did. It has always been about you. Our entire relationship. What can I do to make you happy? How can I make your life better? Let’s face it, there’s nothing I can ever do to completely please you. You will never change. And since you won’t change, then I’ll have to change something. I have to start changing the fate of us. Play with the heart of girls all around, tear them to shreds. I don’t care anymore. I won’t be around to witness any of it. It’s time I find myself. It’s time I love myself. How could I possible fall in love with you, without falling in love with myself? There is no regret, because at one point you made me the happiest I have ever been. But you also made me the utter most miserable. And it took me this to realize something. I was in a relationship with the image of what I wanted you to be, not what you really were.  The only thing I regret is that in loving you, I seemed to have lost myself.

Dear Blake,

I am so dazed and confused about the past day. The more I think about it, I realize that it’s been more than a day. It’s been a few days, which have turned into weeks, which have turned into months. Everything’s changed. Could have been you, probably me. It could even be everyone all at once. You think you know someone, but you really don’t. In my mind, I hate you for hurting my heart. But in my heart, I know it’s all my fault. I hope you feel so much better away from me that you never come back. I don’t deserve to be happy with you. It’s getting harder to put my feelings on display when everyone shuns them away. A smile can cover up so much of the internal pain I have. People have it worse than I do, I’m positive about that. But that doesn’t make me feel any better. I try to stop hurting, but each time I’m too weak. What have I done to deserve this? Oh right, I remember now. They say everything happens for a reason. There has to be something positive to come out of all this crap. This is the day that I let all of my stress and dramatics go away. This time, it isn’t about me anymore. It’s about you. It’s about damn time it was about you. This is the day that I become a new person, only seeking the best. Because you deserve the best. Jayden deserves the best. I deserve the best. And most importantly, we deserve the best.