Unprecedented Silence

Nathan

My first day in a mental facility was not as bad as it sound. I had no appetite for food so I left my food on the table, untouched.Because I was new and still physically weak, they let me ate in my room. But according to the nurse, tomorrow I have to get to the cafeteria for breakfast. Lights off was around 10:30. But even before 10:30 I was already lying on my bed, my mind wandering in someplace I do not know. It's hard to fight the urge of remembering the buried memories in my head. I was yearning for answers I know I can only give myself. But every time I dig into my mind for answers, my head retaliates to the point of almost breaking apart. I was forcing myself to rest but even sleep was distant from me. My body still ached but I can now walk a little so I stood up and trudged towards the window, lifted the latch and opened it. The sea breeze sent chills all over my body. But it also helped me relax a bit. The moon was shining brightly in the sky. I can't remember the last time I looked at the moon but it made me say a little prayer to the One who created it. It was my mother who taught me to believe and have faith to a Higher Power. She raised me a Catholic and although I'm not a perfect one, I always acknowledge that Someone was working in our lives in ways we really cannot understand. However, I was also a firm believer that what we become was because of the choices we make. And I was certain that what happened to me was a result of a foolish decision I made.

After a while, I felt cold because of the wind so I decided to close the window and go back to bed. I was hoping that I would fall asleep but after a long time staring at the ceiling and counting sheep, I was still wide awake. I twisted and turned but no position helped me get the sleep I needed. It was almost dawn when I felt sleep coming to me. Finally, I dozed off.

I was awaken by the knocks on my door. I moaned and hesitantly opened my eyes. It seemed like I was just asleep for a few minutes but I realized that it was already morning because the sun was already shining outside. The nurse came inside the room and told me,

"Breakfast is at 7:30. It's already 7:00 so be sure that you have brushed your teeth, changed your clothes and ready by then, alright?I'll come back for you in a while."

I did not respond but I really don't feel like going to the cafeteria. And I don't feel like doing anything so I did not get up from my bed. After a few minutes the nurse came back and saw me still on bed. She looked irritated and began nagging at me.

"Mister, this is not what we talked about. I told you to be ready when I come back. I'm trying to help you here but you too have to cooperate. Now, get up or you'll be late for breakfast and won't eat a thing."

But I did not move or even flinch. The nurse sighed deeply and saw my untouched food on the table last night. She started lecturing me about my condition and how it will be easier for me to recover if I cooperate but it really did not affect me. I've already embraced my condition and I know that this was what's supposed to happen to me.

After a while, I heard another voice. It came from the doctor who talked to me at the hospital. It was Dr. Richards, "Nancy, you can go now. Thank you." Nancy seemed hesitant but she agreed and carried the tray as she exited the room.

Dr. Richards sat on the chair I placed beside the window. She did not talk but she looked at the view outside. After a few minutes, she began, "The view here in your room is stunning. I bet you liked it as much as I do. It's good to spend the day outside." Then she stood up and walked out of the room. She didn't even convinced me to go to the cafeteria and eat which was good. But I was interested about the view outside so I stood up and went to look at the window. Dr. Richards was right. It was indeed a beautiful day. The sun was shining brightly and the sea was still and the birds were flying in every direction. I remembered the days when I was young , my mom and I would spend it out on the beach, swimming, making sand castles and eating her delicious sandwiches. It was one of my fondest memories when I was a child and was very precious to me because I was with my mom. I wanted to relive the memory but I know it was impossible. Still, I wanted to at least go out and walk along the beach.

After arguing with myself, I decided to change my clothes and brush my teeth. I still felt weary from the lack of sleep and from the fact that my whole body was bruised and hurt. But I managed to climb down the stairs into the cafeteria. It was not so hard to find because I immediately smelled food and followed it, though I don't know if I really wanted to eat so when I reached the cafeteria, I just sat on one of the empty chairs. No one seemed to notice me or even looked at me which was fine. I didn't look at the other patients as well. But some of them were hard to miss; one man was playing with his bowl and tasting his food using his fingers, another woman was crying while eating, and at the far end of the cafeteria, a man squat in stupor, unblinking, as if he was not breathing.

Looking at them, I wondered what brought them to this place. Was it far more serious than what happened to me? Do they have no one left in this world? What could have caused them to cross over into the thin line between sanity and insanity? The questions seemed far more difficult to unravel than the lost memories inside my head. But one thing I realized was all of us here have one thing in common: we were broken. The damage caused us to dwell in our self-made fantasies that proved to be better than living with the harsh reality outside these walls.

A bell rang which was supposedly the signal that breakfast was already finished. Most of the patients stood so I followed them. We were led into a hall for an assembly; there were at least a hundred of us. They let us sit on the floor. Dr. Richards stood in the podium and greeted us. After her small speech, another woman who I didn't clearly hear the name reminded us about the rules and regulations of the hospital. According to her, we are not allowed to eat or drink inside our rooms; bath buckets and towels should not be kept inside the room; no one is allowed to get inside another patient's room; we must follow our schedule every day; no physical contact with any other patients; phone calls should only last for ten minutes every day and a bunch of rules I didn't listen to.

"You're new here." says a tiny voice beside me. The voice suited the girl because she was as small as how she sounded. I almost didn't hear her if not for sensing her presence beside me. By estimate, she was not more than four feet and five inches . She looked so frail and pale with sunken eyes and chapped lips. I did not respond. I continued to pretend that I was listening just so she would stay away from me.

"I'm Alice. What's your name?"

Again, silence.

"I knew you got into an accident. I did too." she said.

I was shocked that she knew about me. My mind was racing, trying to think of who might have known what happened to me. Dr. Richards was the only person who know about me. She might have read my thoughts because she said,

"Don't worry, no one told me, especially not your therapist, although, your reaction confirmed it."

The assembly ended and we were reminded to continue with our activities for the day. The girl named Alice was still beside me. But when I saw Dr. Richards walking towards me, she said,

"Oops, there's Dr. Richards. She's coming for you. See you later." she stood up and went out of the hall.

Dr. Richards approached me and told me to come with her to her office. At the far end of the hallway, her office was situated. When she opened the door and let me in I looked around and noticed it was a regular looking office, it was spacious, tidy and bright. She slid the curtains to the side of the window so that light from the outside could get in her office. She asked me to sit down but I could not meet her eyes. Both of us were seated but neither of us were talking. She finally broke the silence when she told me, "I saw Alice talking to you. She's a nice person." I did not respond or even looked at her. She stood and walked to the drawer on her left, she fished out something I did not see. She sat and placed the item on the desk. It was a necklace with an angel pendant on it. 

"You were wearing it the night when you had the accident. I thought you might want it."I stared at the necklace but I did not pick it up. I was unsure if I want to take it or not. Taking it would mean that going back to the past and revive the pain all over again; leaving it would be embracing who I am now- incomplete, shattered and bruised- and accepting that I have failed to be the man my mother wanted me to be. 

"I have to go, I'll leave you here  to decide." Dr. Richards rose from her seat and strode to the door without even looking back. I was left alone with the last piece that connects me to my past. And before I could stop myself, I snatched the necklace and kept it inside my right pocket. I reached for the door and went out of Dr. Richards' office.