mAKE HER A MEMBER OF THE MIDNIGHT CRE W

Something That's Not DirkJake For Once Ayy Lmao

"Dave oh my god-"
"Egbert just calm down-"
"Dave no you don't understand its UNDER THE COUCH YOU HAVE TO KILL IT HURRY UP-"
"John!!" Dave yelled exasperatedly, looking in the direction where John was. He was right in front of Dave, sitting on the kitchen counter. With one of Dave's shoes. Dave sighed and tried to get John off of the counter (he was knocking down anything and everything that was on it), but John was persistent.

"No. Dave, I swear to god if you don't kill that thing I will never get off this counter and I will have to live off of bread until I die." John said, glaring at the couch like it wronged him somehow.

Dave sighed again and gave up trying to separate John from the counter.  "Ok, I'll go take care of the stupid spider. Just give me the damn shoe." Dave said, angrily taking the shoe from John as John scooted father into the counter.

"Dave, I'm telling you, it's huge. And hairy. Maybe you should call your brother." John said, looking worriedly at Dave.
Dave scoffed and rolled his eyes at John's worried expression. "Dude, you know what else is huge and hairy? All the balls I have for taking down this stupid spider. We are not calling my bro. He's probably sleeping anyway." Dave said, making his way to the living room.

Once he got to the couch, he got on all fours and lowered himself down so he could see the dreaded spider that had John all shaken up. As he looked around the dark and dusty underside of the couch he yelled back to John, "I can't find it! Are you sure it's under the couch?"

"Yea, I'm pretty sure it-" John didn't get to finish his sentence as he heard the shrill scream of the ever graceful Dave Strider.

"John what the fuck is that you said it was a fucking spider not a monster!!" Dave yelled from the living room.

John heard the pounding of feet against the floor and not even a second later he saw Dave running into the kitchen with a fearful look in his eyes, his hair unbelievably disheveled (well, unbelievable for a Strider, at least).

"I told you it was huge but you wouldn't listen to me!" John said, looking accusingly at Dave.

"Egbert scoot the fuck over or so help me I will bring out my dick and piss on you." Dave said, and John didn't doubt for a second that Dave wouldn't pull through with that threat. As soon as he scooted over on the counter Dave jumped up and huddled next to John.

After a few minutes of pointless chatting and being huddled up together on the counter they heard a voice from the hallway.

"Dave I swear to god if you're- what the fuck are you two doing on the kitchen counter?" Dirk said, looking at both Dave and John like they were crazy.

"Bro, you don't understand. This is life or death right here. There is a monster under the couch, and if we don't get rid of it it will take over this household and then the world." Dave said, looking Dirk straight in the eyes.

Dirk rolled his eyes and grabbed a newspaper that fell off of the counter. "You two are such ladies. Who was the one that screamed?" He asked, looking between both of the boys.

Dave blushed as John smirked at him, and Dirk grinned as he saw the reactions of the two boys.

"Wow Dave, I didn't even know your voice could go that high. I feel sorta sorry for John over here, I mean I can just imagine fucking you while you scream like a prepubescent middle schooler." Dirk said with a shit eating grin, and now it was John's turn to blush as Dave glared holes into Dirk.

"Aww c'mon bro, I was just teasing you." Dirk said playfully, ruffling Dave's already messy hair. "I'll go kill that spider so you ladies can rest easy." He said, making his way to the couch just as Dave did a few minutes ago. As Dirk duplicated the position Dave was in, he only had to take one look around the underside of the couch before he spotted the pest and holy shit that actually was a big spider. The thing wasn't too far in, so Dirk moved the couch as silently and with as little motion as he could. Once he successfully moved the couch so that the spider was out from under it, he took the shoe that Dave left behind and used as much force as he could muster to kill the fucker.

Right when the shoe hit the floor he let go of it, involuntarily shaking when he heard the splat of the spider being crushed. He grimaced at the mess he made. "I killed it!" He yelled into the kitchen. "I'm going back to bed, so you two have to clean this up." He said as he made his way back to his bedroom. He definitely needed more sleep.

In the kitchen, Dave jumped off of the counter, John following suit.

"Well, I won't hear the end of this until I'm dead." Dave sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. John lightly chuckled and started heading into the living room.

"We better start cleaning up." John called behind him.

"Yea yea, I'm coming." Dave called back to John, grabbing the necessary supplies for cleaning up whatever mess Dirk made of the spider and heading into the living room.

(A/N: Sucky ending is sucky. Sorry about that lmao. I seriously hate writing endings. I hope it's not too shitty for your tastes)