New Beginning, New Day

Side Effects Of Anxiety

She asked me what made me anxious the most.

The side effects of Anxiety I told her.

"Please explain further" she said typing on her laptop looking away from me.

Its the numbness that leads to splinters when I see someone stare at me,

my smile that is highlighted  by little spikes of prickly feelings ,

as if a dentist came up beside me giving me a syringe full of Novocaine.

When I was little I use to imagine my body was becoming like a porcupine,

expecting to see little dots of growing quills on my face like when my father forgot to shave and he let me feel the stubble on his chin,

but I had no stubble or quills on my face to show my feelings so I hid them and kept quiet.

The splinters even go down my arm sometimes,

the numbness causing my hand to grow heavy.

Try to imagine a mouse picking up an elephant,

that is why my arm grows stiff as I take the strangers long fingers and squeeze gently,

all the while using every ounce of my strength.

This leads to one of those weird things that happens which I can not ever hide, 

It's the sweat soaking of my skin within minutes of being asked a question,

even though I am ninety eight percent sure I know the right answer,

that fear of being two percent wrong causing my heart to beat at rhythms of which people who run marathons could not elevate that high. 

The echo of doubt plays in my head until my mind grows blank,

not having an actual thought until I hear the next person beside me shout out the right answer to which I knew all along.

The best example I can give you is when my father had to tell someone my own name,

not because I was shy but because I forgot what it was.

She stopped typing at this point and looked at me,

"Do you forget things often?" she said

I use to but not much anymore I told her.

"Why is that ?" she said confused 

In that moment I felt the little sticky droplets go down my neck,

looking at her apologetically I told her, "I forgot".