I Will Not Break You

Chapter 8) Simply

+Ben+

She's perfect. She really is.

I listened to her. She was playing my other bass while I was in the shower. I left the water running and got out so she didn't think I was listening. I stood near the door and listened to her play for about 10 minutes. She's gotten so much better, she feels passionate about playing the bass. Its nice to see, it really is.

I'm sneaky. A sneaky little rat. But oh do I love her! She's everything. I dont know what I would do without her.

+ Maddie +

My anxiety goes from like 10 to 100 when I'm with Ben. I get so nervous yet so comfortable? Its strange. Haha, I love him more than life. There is so much more conversations we have rather than what I write in this journal. I don't know what I'm ever going to do with this. Probably look back. I hope Ben and I stay together. Forever. I have to go to the country club later and pick up then up.

I'm just sitting here, listening to Nico Vega. I'm thinking about Dakota. What an ass was he? I wonder how he is now. If he's changed, if he's the same, who he is dating and if he's alright. I don't care too much about those things, but I never really got closure from everything that happened. Closure is a good thing. Not always, but most of the time.

Ever since Ben and I became "a thing", I've never looked at anyone else the same. Everyone else looks blurry. Ben is clear. He's the person I want to be with. I can't see myself with anyone else.

Besides all the love bird stuff, I am freaking out about my grades. I'm in advanced global, biology, and algebra and it is too much for me. I might quit some. I don't know which ones though.

I realized that we never learned much in the private school. You could skip classes, go hang out wherever, and basically do whatever you want. It was nice. But I kind of like this better, I feel like I am actually accomplishing something.

•

+Ben+

It all seemed like a dream after that. Well, a nightmare. I haven't been able to write in this journal. Maddie died when she left my house. She got into a terrible car accident. I feel so guilty. If she wouldn't have gone to my house, this all wouldn't have happened. The guy that hit her was drunk, he's apologized for it, but sorry never made it feel alright.

Its so fucked up, the world really can take something or someone away from you just like that. To make matters worse, when I arrived on the scene, Maddie's parents were screaming at me saying it was my fault. They never treated her decently. I tried.

At my school, they announced Maddie's death. I was in a class with Dakota, he was crying just like everyone else was. They all didn't know her like I did though. Her quirks, fetishes, likes, and dislikes. They all didn't know her. No one has seemed to understand it. I don't even understand it to be honest. I've had people come up to me and pat me on the back and tell me its alright, but it only makes it worse. They don't know what's going on and what happened.

I've been looking at her Facebook Wall and there is so many "RIP" messages. Saying that she deserved longer and she was a good person. Which is all true, but I don't think they understood what happened.

Her name was on the news for a good two or three days. The first week that she died was probably one of the most difficult times in my entire life. I spent it all crying, not eating, and not getting out of bed. The last person that touched that bass was her. She forgot a blanket here once, I never told her she forgot it. I spent that week trying to imprint her scent on my skin. That Warm Vanilla Sugar stuff from Bath and Body works mixed with a little bit of minty smell. I pass the cemetery she was buried at everyday. I make it a priority to visit her at least every other day. I fear the some day I won't remember her scent, her eyes, most importantly, her.

I still haven't really accepted it. Its only been 24 days since. I count every day I don't spend with her. I go through or messages, and sometimes, I just text her phone. Hoping that she'll answer instead of that automated message from the Verizon that says that the phone is no longer working. I have some hope. I hope to see her post on Facebook about us. Her profile picture is her and I together. One of her friends took it when I was teaching her some basslines. We were both looking at each other smiling. Probably one of my favorite pictures of her. It shows who she really is. Not what anyone thinks she is, but what she truly is.

Her mom and dad are still very pissed at me, but they were kind enough to let me go to her funeral. Her body was there in the casket. I put the anagram in there. She was wearing her dress that she wore to TGI Fridays that one time. I tucked a slip of paper with the anagram and the first pick she used with me.

She's still perfect. I put flowers on her grave every time the other ones start to droop. I never let the flowers die. I believe the day those flowers die is the day our love dies.

That simply cannot happen.