Standing Still

Chapter 1: Looking for Hope

I hear her yell for me to do anything to save her. But all I do is stand still. All I can do is stand still. I hear her scream as her life is ripped away from her. All I can do is stand still. As I see the light fade from her eyes and her skin turn pale, all I can do is stand still. As every fiber of my being screams at me to do something, anything, all I can do, is stand still.

* * *

Beeeeeep! I jolt awake in a sweat, my eyes teary and with my breath quick and rapid.I hit the off button on my alarm clock."Nightmare," I whisper quietly to myself. I have had the same nightmare for six years nonstop. I've tried to pry the memories from my head but I can't. I can't because they all revolve around one thing, one person. My mom and her death. I can't stop the tears that fall from my face. I pull my knees to my chest and allow myself to cry. I remember the cold, the rain, the screams. I get up and do push ups, and sit ups. I got much stronger from doing this every morning, but I have to get the nightmares out of my head. I sit up put on a T- shirt and go to clean my face. As I'm drying off my face I realize I don't have the necklace around my neck. " No," I whisper and run back to my room. Thinking I've lost it, but I see I put it on my dresser next to the picture of my mom and I.

My name is Antonio and this has been my morning routine for about six years. It's been hard to let go ever since fifth grade. After my mom died, things have been harder. It's been harder to be open to people, focus in school and do anything except think about her. She always wore a necklace, one I currently have hanging around my neck. It's a golden cross. She said she always wore it so that when she was in her darkest place, it would give her hope. I wear it to try to find this hope she speaks of, but so far, all it's brought me is bad memories.

I put the necklace on and look at the picture. The picture is of my dad, me and my mom in our front yard. My mom looks like me, red hair and blue eyes. She's wearing that same, old, blue jacket with her favorite pair of jeans. I will always remember her smile, her laugh, they are locked away with me forever. I'm just standing there lost in my thoughts when I sneak a peek at my alarm clock. It's almost seven O'clock. I inwardly groan and set down the picture. I set my backpack on my bed and make sure everything is in there. I always hated school. It's the worse place ever invented in the history of America. All we do is sit there and listen to a teacher talk, talk, talk. Seriously, who came up with this! All I do in the classroom is stare at the board and pretend to listen. I'm pretty sure 99.9% of us kids don't even care. The one percent are the goody two shoes kids who want to seem special to the teacher.

" Antonio, are you ready for school?" theres my dad, I better get going. I walk out to the door and there's my dad. He has the, have a great day, look on his face, but I know it's fake, he's never gotten over my mom's death either. When I get home from school early, I sometimes hear him softly crying. He thinks I don't notice but I do. Anyway, I just play along for both of our sakes. "See ya dad," I answer and walk out the door.

I step outside and take a deep breath. Time for another long, boring day of the eleventh grade, I think to myself. I trudge all the way to school, as I walk to school. I see all the different groups of people walking past me. The populars, jocks, Goths, nerds, geeks, nobodies and the outcasts. That one consists of only me, but that's okay. There's no one to talk to which is fine since I never really talk to anybody. People think I'm odd, which is also fine since I hate pretty much everyone in this school, and everyone avoids me like I'm some sort of disease. That one I never fully understood, but people won't get in my way. I finally arrive at my school. " Golden Oak high school, where everyone's excepted." Yeah right.

As I make my way to the front door, everyone starts to make a path for me. Remember, when I said that people are scared of me, this is what I meant. Everyone just goes quiet and stares at me. I think it's because I'm wearing pretty much all black with a Yankees baseball cap covering my messy hair. Like I said, I will never know. Anyway I go to my class and sit down. I'm the only one here because everyone just hangs out at the front of the school before classes start. I like to get here early to enjoy the peace and quiet. You don't really get that in eleventh grade. But, lucky for me, today that peace was disturbed by none other than my teacher. " Hello, Antonio," I do all I can to not groan out loud. Instead I sit up and grumble,

" Good Morning Mr. Dent." Mr. Harvey Dent, my homeroom teacher and the social studies teacher, probably one of the most annoying teachers I've ever had. He considers me a problem student, and he tries to help me. I thought he was just one of those teachers who pretend to care and move on the next year to the next 'problem student.' But this guy just won't give up.

" Why yes it is. How are you today." All I can manage this time is a small grunt. "Antonio, I've wanted to talk to you about something," Oh great, another Harvey lecture, I think. " You know that you haven't been doing so well in my class, and I've been trying to help you, but it seems like you don't want to listen to me. Oh, really sherlock. " I've wanted to tell you that, I'm getting you a tutor." I was about to space out when I heard the word, TUTOR.

"WHAT! I don't need a tutor, I'm perfectly fine!" I yell back at Harvey.

" No, your not fine, you're failing this class Antonio," he replied in a sterner tone. I groan out loud this time and slam my head to my desk.

" I'm sorry Antonio, but this is for your own good. You'll meet your tutor tomorrow after school in the library." All I could do was sit there, I was speechless. " Don't worry Antonio, there is hope." Hope. Yeah right.

The day goes on as it usually does, teachers talking, me not listening, until ninth period comes around, that's when I sleep. But, finally the bell rings and I've never in such a hurry in my life. Normally, I would gradually wake up, rub my eyes, slowly grab my backpack, and leisurely make my way home. But today, I grabbed my things and ran home as fast as I could. I got to my house, slammed the door open in my haste, and found my dad sitting startled in his chair. I see that his eyes are red and puffy, I want to say something, but I know better than to start that conversation. So I just stand there and try to catch my breath.

" Are you alright?" he asks me getting up.

" No! I'm definitely not alright! Mr. Dent is getting me a tutor, can you believe that! Just because I failed maybe a few test, doesn't mean I'm doing horrible, and..." I stop when I realize that my dad is acting all awkward. That's when it dawns on me. " You agreed to this! How could you!" I am practically screaming now, and honestly, I don't know why I'm so mad. Deep down I know they both want whats best for me, though I would never admit it, but it just feels like some bomb exploded inside me somewhere. While I'm over here shaking, my dad is trying to explain himself to me.

" Listen Antonio, I know you're not happy, but this is what's best. Your failing your social studies class and this is what will help you." I was frantically shaking my head back and forth like their were two ping pong paddles on both sides of my head. " Look, I know you're not happy, but it was either this or you get held back. Do you want that?" I shake my head then say, a lot calmer,

" no," I say defeated.

" Good, now that were on the same page, go do your homework, I'm going to make dinner." I stomp to my room and slam the door.

I flop on my bed and groan as loud as I humanly could. Tomorrow, I'll have to stay after school. Tomorrow, I'll have to listen to someone pretty much treat me like i'm a stupid, little kid. Tomorrow, I'll have to be tutored. Tomorrow, there is no hope.