Monstercat University I

Chapter 020 [TRIGGER WARNING]

*TRIGGER WARNING* This chapter contains a graphic description of self-harm. If you think this could trigger you in any way, please do not read it. Only read at your own risk.

[Braken's POV]

When I awaken from my dreamless slumber, everything is silent. It feels like a few hours have passed while I slept. Everyone is probably still in class. My eyes scan the dim room before focusing on the small amount of light coming in. I slide out of my bed and wander aimlessly to the window, where I watch the light mist falling outside. Everything feels hollow and blank. I try to snuggle into the warmness of my hoodie, but when I'm like this, even that doesn't help me. Last night, in one of those buildings, Tristam was burned to ashes. I feel horrifyingly vulnerable and open now. How can I face the world without him? He is the only comfort, the only friend I have had for all these years. He was like a brother to me. Where do I go now? He has helped me with my music, the only other thing I had, all this time. And through everything, he was what I leaned on. How do I continue down this path without him? I'm not ready yet. I can't do this by myself. I back away from the window and turn around, making myself set one foot in front of the other. I don't know where to go. I feel so numb. Even though it has only been a few hours, to me it seems I've always felt this way. And there's no way out now. In my little world, everything seems to move so slowly as I sink deeper into the bottomless pit of emptiness that I know so well. I find myself meandering down the hall, then I get an impulse to go down to the music room, the one where Tristam and I worked on Frame of Mind. Finally I reach it, and my hand grips the cold metal knob, twisting it and pushing the door open. I don't bother turning the lights on. I walk over to the piano and sit down on the bench where, a few months ago, Tristam and I sat side by side and came up with the tune for our DnB collaboration. Tristam had actually come up with the lyrics years ago for me, and it was only early this year that we decided to make it public in the form of a Monstercat release. In my effort to push the bench back, I accidentally lift up the lid. Sifting through the many papers that the artists have left inside, I discover guitar tabs for Pure Sunlight, a basic breakdown of the chords of This Is Forever, and some partially completed sheet music for a new song Tristam and I have been working on since summer. I feel so alone when I see it. I know I can never finish this without him. I fold it up and crumple it as tightly as I can in my fist, and then try to shoot it into the trash can across the room. Except it lands two feet away. I swear, I'm so clumsy. I open up the lid of the piano and prop one knee up on the bench, then play the melody of To the Stars as softly as I can. This song used to make me so happy. Why can I feel nothing now? Ah, where is that stupid paper. I flip open the lid of the bench again and hunt down the paper with the lyrics for Frame of Mind. Reading over the words, I scowl to myself. I can never find a new frame of mind. I'll always be stuck this way. I rip the paper in half down the middle, then tear it over and over again until only one-inch squares are left, walk over to the trash can, and throw it away, along with the crumpled ball from earlier. I know it is only a matter of time before my twisted mind makes me lose control, but I cannot stop it now. I walk back over and slump down on the bench, staring at my reflection in the shiny black piano. I hate myself. I'm not worth anything. I'm an antisocial wreck. Friendships that could have been there never were because I have never had enough courage to come out of my shell. At an age where I should be enjoying life, I'm drowning instead. Tristam has always had my back, always given me encouragement and guidance and told me that I'm worth something, even when no one else did. And just when I finally think I'm on a road towards the light, everything crashes again. And now it can never go back. This is hopeless. I reach into my back pocket, pull out my large pocket knife, flip it open, and gingerly finger the blade as I focus on the small amount of light reflecting off of it from the hall. Why can't I be like normal people? And how many times have I let people down when I could have been the change in a situation but wasn't because I was always too scared to step out? Then I realize something. What if I had never let Tristam go to that stupid party in the first place? This is all my fault. I should have just told him not to go. Tristam has done everything for me. And this is how I treat him. Now he's dead and it's all my fault. I deserve this. Acting quickly so I don't have time for second thoughts, I pull up the sleeve of my hoodie and slash my wrist with the knife. Gasping, I realize again how much it hurts to do this. Braken, you're so weak, I tell myself, biting my lip and staring at my reflection again as a tear rolls down my cheek. I gash my wrist over and over in several places, watching the blood ooze down my pale skin and pour onto my black hoodie as tears stream down my face. Several memories flash through my mind. My parents fighting, the bullies at school, Tristam standing up for me, the day I arrived here at Monstercat University...and the day five years ago when I promised Tristam I would never cut myself again. I've let him down. That's all I ever do, let people down over and over again. Suddenly, the bell rings. I whirl around and glance at the clock, blinking the tears from my eyes. It's time for lunch, which means Alex is probably going back to the dorm to check on me, and he could be there any minute. Wasting no time, I shove the knife back into my pocket, pull my sleeve down, and run as fast as I can down the hall towards the boys' dorms, reaching the corner and dashing up the stairs just as crowds come pouring out of the classrooms. I don't stop running until I reach our dorm room, where I jump into my bed and curl up into a ball. Shaking, I try to make myself breathe. My wrist stings like hell. I squeeze it as hard as I can, trying desperately to stop the bleeding. At least I feel something now. But how? How could I let myself fall this far again?

[Aero Chord's POV]

I slowly open the door and peek into our room, where Braken is curled up in his hoodie on the bottom bunk, facing away from me. I walk over and gently lay my hand on his arm, saying his name. He turns over partially and looks at me. His eyes are really red. He must have been crying a lot while I was gone. "You wanna come with me and get some lunch?" I ask him. He thinks for a couple seconds, then nods. We walk out together, Braken standing a couple feet away from me with his head down and his arms held close to him. Once the halls start to become filled with swarms of artists, he moves in closer to me.