Skinny Love

Chapter 2 - Ho Hey

Sometimes I get scared, of everything really. Frightened of the immensity of it all, of not getting to do all the things I want to. Some days, some moments it just hits me. Maybe I’ll never get to do all those things I dream about and that scare me. Will my dreams forever be just that, dreams?
I’m not talking about the kind of dreams that allows you to fly or breathe under water. No, I’m talking about the kind of dreams that you don’t really tell anybody else because you’re scared that if you say them out loud they may never come true. The kind of dreams that you thrive do one day become, but at the same time you’re afraid to admit them.
Dreaming is a funny thing, it can help you along or it will destroy you. When you are a kid adults will tell you that dreaming is good and that you can do and become everything you want to. But as you grow older they start backtracking on their own words. By the time that you get to the age of actually making your own decisions you’ve become so confused about which dreams are considered achievable that you are incapable of trying to reach any of them. Like all hope is lost, you start reaching for the dream that others are expecting you to reach for.
Like when I told my mother I wanted to become an author, don’t get me wrong she is very supportive but I could see that she had to bite back a comment that she probably knew would upset me. She has tried to very subtly suggest I have a backup plan, like working in a book store or a publishing company. In the beginning I got mad at her, but after a few discussions I could feel myself starting to agree with her. Now I have given up the author dream and am aiming for a publishing company, but is it because my mother told me it’s a safer choice or because it’s what I really want? I’ll probably never know, but it’s a really scary thought. What if the dreams I have at this point really aren’t my own, but instead society’s expectations.
Or maybe I’m just paranoid and overthinking everything as usual. I’ve got to much spare time and too little to fill it with. Yes, that’s probably it. I hope…
“Miss Bryant, are my classes that dull that you have to space out in every one of them?” My teachers voice breaks me out of my thoughts and I snap my head around to meet his gaze, expectantly he raises his eyebrows and awaits an answer.
“No, Sir I’m sorry it won’t happen again.” I nod in confirmation and he grunts disbelievingly, before continuing his lesson. As soon as he turns back to the board I elbow Denise on her arm and she holds back a giggle in the palm of her hand.
“You couldn’t have warned me?” I whisper shout at her and she shakes her head amusedly before whispering back.
“Girly, I tried but you where so far gone in Lala land you didn’t respond.” She teases me and I frown back at her before sticking out my tongue. Denise just rolls her eyes at me and goes back to taking notes. I lean down on my desk and put my chin in my hand, to at least pretend to look interested in what Mr. Smith has to say about our history.

                                                                          

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“Ready for lunch?” I nod at Denise before putting the last of my books in my locker and closing it. She sticks her elbow out at me and we walk with our arms linked together towards the cafeteria. Right after our arrival we search the crowd for the boys, when we’ve located them we go and pick up some food for ourselves before making our way over to them and sitting down.
“Hey guys.” Nathan smiles warmly at us and I nod my head at him before turning to Devin. I offer him a small smile, getting a crooked one in return and a few seconds after I feel his warm hand on my thigh and I sigh comfortably.
Gestures like that was a common thing between the two of us. And before you ask no we are not dating, we’re best friends, all though sometimes I don’t really know what we are. The relationship I have with Devin is not something I can explain with words. We take comfort in each other’s presence and in small touches but we’ve never gone any further than that. We know our limits and we understand one another, sometimes I guess I just question the border between best friends and lovers. Either way I’m way too shy to ever admit to Devin that I sometimes wonder about us and question my feelings for him. Plus I really can’t afford to lose him, I need him.           
I lean my head on his shoulder and look over at Nathan and Denise who by the looks of it are having a very enthusiastic discussion. I smile to myself before turning up to towards Devin and whispering:
“What are they talking about this time?” He looks down at me amused, while raising an eyebrow and whispers back:
“Spacing out as usual, huh? I believe their talking about a band, not too sure though.” I nod and turn my attention back to Denise and Nathan, who now have started using big hand gestures to magnify their points. I giggle quietly, but try to muffle it against Devin’s shoulder so they won’t hear me. Devin squeezes my thigh gently and goes back to eating his food and trying to ignore our now very loud friends. I shake my head at their antics and try to get their attention.
“Guys.”
“No, you are completely wrong!” Denise raises her voice and point a finger in Nathans face. He just frowns at her and grabs her finger before retorting.
“No, I’m completely right! Just give in!” She shakes her head almost animatedly and I laugh at the sight.
“Guys.” I wave a hand in hope of one of them seeing me, but soon give up. I hear Devin snickering beside me and elbow him in his side, he whines and rubs the area that I hit. Rolling my eyes I turn back to Denise and Nathan.
“Guys, shut up!” I raise my voice and finally get their attention, they both snap their heads towards me. Feeling all three of my friends eyes on me I suddenly get very self-conscious and awkward, I twirl a lock of my hair on my finger and mumble:
“I… Um… Just wanted to ask if any of you would… Um… Consider going with me to walk my little sister and her friend to her friends house after school?” A heavy silence lays itself on us and I immediately regret say anything, but the second I open my mouth to take back what I just said Nathan busts out laughing, the other two idiots soon following. I just sit there not understanding what was so funny, I turn my head to meet Devin’s eyes and shoot him a questioning look. He smiles at me after calming down a bit but before he get’s the chance to answer Nathan cuts in.
“You get nervous over the most ridiculous things, you know that right?” I frown slightly at him and he continues “Of course one of us will go with you, although I vote not me right of the bat!” He turns to Denise expectantly and she shakes her head while raising an eyebrow at him. She looks to me and smiles apologetically at me before saying
“Sorry, sweetie I’ve got dance practice right after school.” I smile at her, letting her know it’s fine and turn to Devin who is smiling down at me.
“I’ll go with you, Sweetheart.”       

This chapter feels at little meeh.... But whatever :) Have a good one Lovelies xx