onesie. ☤ phan au

fifty-seven days past

dan

phil lester. he makes me want to do things i didn't want to do before. he made me want to get out of this wheel chair and walk to my house and do my taxes. he makes me want to use up all my money on just onesies. he makes me want to do things, okay?

i don't know what's up with this boy, but damn, he's unlike all the others.

i've had people in the past who have dated me. boys, not girls. they all were in this hospital. they either got better and now are living their own life happily without the weird kid who wears onesies all the time, or they died. it's sad, though. if i ever date phil and he dies, i might be devastated. i know he will die soon. i just hope that i won't get too attached to him before he dies.

it'll suck if i ever get too attached. i am still too attached, though. i think i'm falling in love with this boy. i don't know. i need to not be too attached to him.

what if i die, though? what if i die while i'm dating him? if i'm ever dating him, to be exact. i know they got rid of all the cancer in my body, but they're still finding traces of cancer. they haven't told me, though. they haven't even told me about this cancer thing, either!

it's been like, what? five years? five years living my life without osteosarcoma. they got it out just a month after i joined this hospital. and why am i still here? probably because they found cancer. they still do mri scans and cat scans and everything. they don't even have to, though. it's useless if they got out the cancer.

i know i have traces of cancer left in my body. i just don't know where. i know i do, even if no one told me. that's why i'm so depressed most of my time. it's because i know i still have cancer but they're not telling me. i need to know this shit. i know, it's good if they don't tell me so i don't live the rest of my life moping around this hospital because i know i'm gonna die. but i do know.

we're all going to die someday. except that some lives will be taken much sooner than others. it's sad, really. that some people's lives get taken away due to diseases and cancers and disorders. disorders don't seem like they would die, but they can. depression is a disorder. someone with major depression will try to commit suicide. also, people with down syndrome disorder. some of those people don't even live to such an old age. it's sad, though. young people's lives taken away at such a young age. it makes me cry sometimes. it makes me cry to think that i will die really soon.

everything sucks, okay? life sucks. my life sucks. i have osteosarcoma and i can't do anything about that. i know it's gone, yeah, but not the traces of cancer. i'm even lucky to live up to almost 20 years old.

you know, maybe i don't have cancer. maybe they're just checking up on me to make sure i don't have cancer because they want to help me as fast as i can. it's nice.

or maybe it's because i refuse to use crutches to help me get around my house. i don't use them, or even a prosthetic leg. they put one in my room just in case i wanted to try it.

the reason why i refuse to wear these prosthetic legs is because i'm afraid of breaking it and falling onto the floor and not being able to get up. i'm just afraid of slipping away. i don't know. i just don't trust those legs. i don't get how people will even trust those pieces of plastic with a shoe on it. it's just weird. they're useful, yes, but not trusted. by me. i know some people who wears those legs trust them. but i don't.

i know that the people in the hospital are worried of me. they see me wearing onesies every single day and they think that i have like peter pan syndrome or something. no, i don't. i'm not weird, i just really like the comfort of onesies warming up my body.

"hi dan," says someone. i look up from the bed and see cat. where's tanya? cat's not supposed to be here. she's supposed to be with phil.

"what are you doing here? where's tanya? aren't you supposed to be with phil?" i ask her. she just smiles and keeps walking towards me. she hands me a tray of food and i start eating off of it. all cat does is just smile and look at me. i saw a tear fall down her face.