onesie. ☤ phan au

three hundred and sixty-three days into the future

"you're dead to me."

i throw the house at his face and stomp away from the board. i start making myself some tea to calm myself. and for the others. as i plop the bag into the pot full of already hot water, pj waltz his way into the kitchen with the piece thrown at him in the palm of his right hand. i take it and throw it at his face again.

the tea finished brewing finally. i pour myself, him, and sophie a cup. i give him two of the cups since he was the one who invited sophie over. as i was walking out, he slides into my way and gives me a concerning look.

"you okay?" he asks. i looked at him with a confused expression. did he take it seriously when i said that i wanted him dead? because i didn't. i need someone who can help pay rent or else i'll be back with my mum. i'm fine with her, but i like living with peej and hanging out with sophie.

"why wouldn't i be okay?"

"it's just... i think you're tired, you know? it's..." peej checks his phone. "it's one in the morning and you look tired. we've been playing monopoly for three hours and you usually don't stay up this late just to play. is it because i invited over sophie?"

"no –– well, yeah. sophie's a guest and if i just fell asleep, then that's not being nice to the guest. anyways, thanks for reminding me, peej. i'm gonna go to bed." i sip the calming herbal tea and walk to my room. "night, peej; night sophie," i tell them walking towards my destination.

i climb into my bed under my colorful bedsheets and sip the rest of my tea. it was burning my tongue, but that's okay. i turn off the light and i plug in my phone. soon, i check the time to see how many hours of sleep i will be getting tonight as i had a whole day already planned out for me.

tomorrow, i'm going to be hanging out with pj and sophie ll day. we're going to go get brunch, then shop, then relax.

when i made plans last week to do this, pj got a bit weird. he asked why this day and everything and if i wanted to do anything other than that. i said no, though. i also told him that sophie was going to be in town for the weekend. soon, he said okay.

anyways, when we shop tomorrow, i'm going to go get something for valentine's day for my mum as she's someone i love. i'm doing this because she doesn't really do much on valentine's day as she has no one to spend it with. after that, we're gonna shop some more and then eat lunch and go home. pj said we were gonna do something else, but he said he'll figure it out soon. i don't think he has.

i check the time and see that it's about one in the morning. we're gonna get up at around 10 in the morning. that leaves us an hour to get ready and around 11:10, we'll drive over to the brunch place and then we'll shop afterwards. i'm actually excited to see what tomorrow holds up.

my eyes become fixated on the alert that popped up since midnight. the notification is just a flower bouquet and a broken heart. after seeing that and becoming confused, i check the date. february 04, 2017.

---

i couldn't sleep at all last night. all i did was stare at a wall. like what i did about a year ago. instead, i wasn't looking for my thoughts; i was thinking of him again.

i haven't thought of him since i moved in with pj. there's no pictures of us, no clothing or objects that remind me of him, and nothing relating of him. pj made sure that there was nothing of him lurking around our flat. he deleted every photo of us off my phone and made sure i had no framed pictures of us. he wanted me to forget about him. maybe that's why he made plans a month ago before this day.

i'm not sure why he didn't remind me of this day. is he trying to make me forget about this day? or remember this day? because he asked if we needed to go anywhere other than shopping today. but then again, he tried to get me to forget about this day. what does pj want me to do anyway?

i walk out of my room fully clothed and see pj and sophie having breakfast happily on the couch. they look at me as i walk out of my room and stop what they're doing. they look at my outfit of the day and just stare at me sad. ( i was wearing a black jumper with a black shirt underneath it (( one of dan's old black shirts )) with black jeans and black shoes. )

"are you okay? do you need me to go with you to, well, you know?" pj asks. i can tell sophie doesn't know what was happening as no one told her anything about him. i simply shake my head and walk out of the door after grabbing my keys.

i drive towards the cemetery in tears after stopping by to grab some roses. dan always liked roses. he said that it's like him: it can be mean and hurt you, but also be soft and collected at the same time.

i stop by his area and park my car. i slowly make my way towards the grave and sit on my legs. i wipe away a tear and smile. i place the roses in the tube next to the gravestone that reads:

DANIEL JAMES HOWELL
11 JUNE, 1991 – 4 FEBRUARY, 2016
A BELOVED SON, BROTHER, FRIEND, AND BOYFRIEND

i stroke his name, still looking shiny and brand new. it honestly feels like he's still here next to me and holding my hand telling me his goodbyes. i miss dan. i miss everything about him.

"d-dan," i say, choking on my tears. "i-i miss you. i want to th-thank you once again for helping me stay alive. i-it doesn't feel right to be here, you know. a-alive, that's what i mean. i miss you. a lot. and so does pj, but i m-miss you more. 

"did y-you know, d-dan, that i'm the only one who ever visits your grave, d-dan. i h-heard from your mother that th-they moved away to am-america or some place. th-they didn't want your m-mom to visit you. well, y-your father. i-i'm sorry about that, d-dan.

"a-anyways, pj h-has helped me through life ever since he moved with me to london." i wipe away the tears and stop stuttering. "he helped me forget about you so i wouldn't be sad, but i think he knew that i couldn't forget about you completely that i had to miss the day that you... well... i don't want to say it, but you know. the day that you went on somewhere else. he knew i couldn't miss this for the world.

"this is the first time i've ever visited your grave, dan. pj didn't want me to go out of the house without him as he thinks i was going to go to your grave. he wanted me to forget about you. i wanted that because i didn't want to be depressed all my life.

"anyways, dan, i miss you so much. but i've gotten over you a bit. i still love you, but i can handle you now. you know what? i'll tell pj that. we both can visit you once a month. to see you. okay? i bet you're here in ghost form looking at me and nodding your head. i don't want to leave you alone. even if ghosts aren't real, i'll pretend that they are.

"i have to go now, dan. i'll always think of you no matter where i am. i miss you so much."

??'s pov

i place a hand on his. "i miss you, too."

//

a.n. // i'll reveal ?? in the author's note ( after the epilogue ) and what happened. any guesses on who it is ( it's pretty obvious ) and what happened there ( this isn't obvious but it might be if you think hard enough ) ?

thank you for reading onesie, guys ! this is the LAST CHAPTER EVER WOW and i'll have the epilogue tomorrow. i already wrote it ( i wrote it on may 20 of 2016 lollool )

i'll have the author's note tomorrow too ok ok byebyeybeyeby