onesie. ☤ phan au

fifty-five days past

dan

"holy shit, dan! you're walking! and you're as tall as a skyscraper," cat screams. this was my first time in physical therapy and my second time trying on a fake leg.

after what that police officer told me, i've been very insecure about using my chair because i'm afraid that's what people think. especially phil lester. when i show him i'm walking on two somewhat working legs, he's going to be so proud. i wish he'd hug me, also.

"can i just walk around the whole hospital with this? i think i'm pretty good with this whole new leg thing. and when i get tired of it, i'll just ask for a wheel chair or crutches. whatever works." the doctor nods and i start walking out of the room. for the first time. i never walked in this hospital. of course, i've hopped around. but only in a small distance. in my room. i never even got to the door while hopping on one foot.

as i was walking around the hospital, i stop by phil lester's room and knock. i wanted him to be one of the first to know i've learned how to walk on two legs. "come in," i hear his tired voice say. i smile and burst through the room. he looks over at me and gasps. he then runs towards me carefully trying to not rip off any tubes connecting to his arm to the iv bag. "wow, you're tall." i laugh and embrace his body. then, i let go and he smiles.

"i never knew that being over 6 feet is this tall. taller than you! and you're pretty tall. i remember seeing you and i was like, 'wow, he's tall.'" phil lester laughs and i smile.

"well, it is. it's nice, isn't it? being taller than everyone. you can just look over them and you have a great view on everything around you. except that you look like a skyscraper to anyone around you. i was always called the 'giant' at my high school because i was taller than anyone else and people told me to join the basket ball team since i was so tall."

"i never went to high school since i spent most of my time at this hospital. everyone never knew what height i really was since no one really bothered because they knew that i probably would never try to walk on two legs again." phil lester laughs and of course, i smile again.

to explain why i always smile when phil lester is happy or when he laughs is because it's like a sunshine. he is a literal ball of sunshine. if you look at him, you're blinded by his rays because he's always happy and smiling and everything, even when his death is less than a month. at least he's making the most out of it.

speaking of that, it makes me sad. other than tanya, he was one of the closest friends i have ever had. and probably the first guy friend i've ever had. i've never had a friend in primary school. everyone just didn't really see me as a person to hang out with because they thought i was "weird" or something.

now that tanya was dead, the only other person i have is phil. and kind of cat, but i don't see her often considering she's with phillester. not dating wise, though. just as a care taker for him. and even so, i barely see cat. so phil lester is literally the only person left in my life. i barely see my family since they live so far away and they never visit. i bet that when i die, they won't even bother coming to my funeral. i don't even think they remember me.

phillester was going to die in less than two months. that's making me sad even thinking about it. two months is such a short amount of time. time is running out quickly and it makes me sad seeing him go just like that. i can't even imagine living without him. yeah, i've been living without him for basically the first eighteen years of my life, but now, when i think about it, it feels like that i've known him my whole life and having him out of my life feels like an emptiness in my soul.

sometimes, when i'm alone, i think about phil lester. wait, let me rephrase that: i always think about phil lester. when i'm sleeping, when i'm dreaming, and when i'm eating. he's always around me in my dreams. even before i met him and before i knew he existed. i wonder what will happen when he's—

"are you okay?" phil lester asks me. "you're crying." he hands me a tissue and i take it and wipe my eyes. i never even knew that i was crying. i was too busy thinking about phil lester's death that i can't think straight anymore.

"y-yeah, thanks, phil lester." he laughs at the mention of his last name.

"why do you always call me 'phil lester?' you know you can just call me 'phil,' right?" phil lester chuckles. i laugh too as tears fell down my face. he then brings a whole tissue box to me and hands it to me. i take it and blow my nose into it. "come on, sit down and you can tell me anything that's on your mind. i promise that i won't tell anyone. but first, you have to tell me why you always call me 'phil lester' and not just 'phil.'"

"you don't remember? i told you that i call you 'phil lester' because i like how it sounds. that's it." he smiles.

"okay, i'll take it. sorry, i forgot. well, tell me now, dan howell, what's on your mind?" i sigh.

"i was just thinking about how in two months, i won't really have a friend anymore."

"why? you have cat."

"i barely talk to her. plus, i barely see her now. anyways, now that tanya's gone, i only have you. but that's only for two months and two months isn't that long. it's short. i remember that when i was alone, two months were like two seconds to me. having to do the same exact thing every day: physical therapy for my leg even though i didn't participate much for one year, scans, changing what onesie i want to wear that day, showering, eating, and sleeping. that's it. it's a boring life. i talked to tanya, too, but now she's not here with us anymore so i know that once you're gone, my life is just going to be more boring.

"my family doesn't even care to visit me here because they live so far away. i don't even think they remember me after being gone for more than five years away from them. they haven't visited once since the day they dropped me off here. it was like, 'you have cancer? well, that means that you're different and we don't like different so we're throwing you out.' that's it. also, they were homophobic so i couldn't really do much. i hate them. they probably still hate me, too.

"in the past, i had just a few boyfriends because why not? i tried them out like a barbie doll and i was happy, kind of. then, they died. all of them. and i sometimes would have dreams about just me and one of them. the other person in the dream wasn't them, though. i didn't even now who it was. but now, i think i do know who it was." phil lester hands me a tissue.

"well, who is it?" i sigh and hesitate. i look towards him, staring intensely into his bright, blue dilated eyes.

"phil lester."