Lost - Clexa (#Wattys2016)

Chapter 17

Lexa was seething. How dared Clarke tell her she loved her after what she had just done? What was the blonde expecting of Lexa after that confession? To forgive her? To love her back? To let what happened be forgotten? Because the brunette could never forget it. What Clarke had done would haunt Lexa till the end of her days. Trusting the blonde, loving her had turned out to be Lexa's biggest mistake. A mistake that could not be undone. A mistake that had cost her the lives of thousands of her people. A mistake that had caused her the loss of a coalition she had spent half her life to build. A mistake that had reminded Lexa that love was weakness. Clarke had wiped out thousands of Lexa's people in the blink of an eye. Lexa had trusted her enough to let her lead while she fought to provide her protection. Lexa did understand that Clarke had no choice but what infuriated Lexa was that Clarke had the nerve of saying those forbidden words after what she had just done. Lexa did not need to hear that. She did not need to see tears in those blue eyes. She did not need to see agony in those same beautiful eyes she once could marvel in but now couldn't tear her own away from what horror that blue could hide. She did not need to feel sympathy for the blonde in her heart because Clarke did not deserve it. Lexa knew what she deserved. Blood must have blood. She deserved death. Death by Lexa's hands.

With the mantra prevailing in her mind, she pushed Clarke off herself and straddled her. She was about to draw out the dagger hidden in her pants' pocket when she felt how motionless Clarke's body was under hers. Clarke wasn't struggling in the slightest. She was still, waiting for her impending doom. Furious green eyes looked into the Sky Heda's guilty blue ones. The blue, lifeless, dead, tear-filled eyes. There was one emotion prevailing the storm of emotions in them - pain. Overwhelming pain. Before Lexa knew what she was doing, she was off the other girl and rushing out of the room.

She could feel her eyes beginning to sting. She fought tears from falling down. Crying now would only prove her weakness for the blonde and she refused to believe that Clarke still had a hold on her. She could not let her have that power over her. She willed herself not to cry, and her eyes and sinuses burned inside her head. She managed to hold back her tears, accumulating extra wetness in her eyes that she blinked fiercely away.

As her vision cleared, she saw her warriors injured and slumped down near the staircase. Pushing all the hurt, guilt, and pain away for her face, Lexa ran towards them. She quickly got to Octavia's injuries first; no matter what happened between Indra and her second, Lexa had always considered Octavia as Trikru. She had proved herself to Lexa. Octavia had a deep gash on her thigh and her pants were soaked in blood.

"Heda." She croaked.

Lexa nodded reassuringly and tore her red sash to wrap it around Octavia's leg.

Octavia's eyes widened. She recalled Indra telling her the sash was to never be taken off. According to the grounder culture, it had some essence of the Commander's spirit and was an essential part of the Commander. It had been passed on from the past Commanders to the present one.

"Your sash-"

"Do not worry about it, Okteivia kom Trikru." Lexa said, shaking her head. Clarke had taught Lexa to be flexible and not to follow her traditions as if her life depended on it.

Octavia managed to smile gratefully despite the agony Lexa knew she was going through. She was strong. Lexa approved of her.

After quickly patching up Octavia the best she could, she made her way to Echo to find her being already attended by the blonde-haired girl. Clarke had tied a sling around Echo's arm and around her shoulder; much similar to the one she had Lexa when they were attacked by pauna. The memory did nothing but exacerbate Lexa's suffering. The blonde was nearly done with her work and Lexa quickly turned her head towards Octavia. She could not look at Clarke without wanting to kill her, yet she knew that she just couldn't kill her. She should have killed her, but she couldn't. She didn't know how long she would wait before finally gaining the courage to tear her apart as she deserved but at present, she knew she didn't have the energy to do so.