My Drifting Star

Chapter 2.2

With heavy heart, she placed the phone inside the pocket of her denim shorts. Natatakot ba siya sa banta ng kaibigan? Partly yes, kahit alam niyang malabong totohanin iyon nito. Pero paano kaya kung biglang topakin ito at itapon na lang siya kung saan? Paano na siya kung pati ang nag-iisang kaibigan ay mawawala pa sa kanya?

Isadora was the only person who could understand and appreciate her. Well, her past boyfriends loved and appreciated her also even if they did witness some of her extreme reactions including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions even to minor events plus her intense and changeable moods. But what they didn't know were the many suicide attempts and self-harming behaviors. At tanging si Isadora lang ang nakakaalam ng mga iyon.

Napabuntong-hininga siya. Akala ba nila madali ang pinagdadaanan ng isang katulad niya?

Ilang trabaho at kompanya na nga ba ang iniwanan niya o di kaya naman ay tumanggal sa kanya? It's because she couldn't keep a long-term obligation. Kapag malapit na siyang ma-regular o ma-promote ay nararamdaman niya ang pangangailangang mag-resign. Mabuti na lang at ipinasya ni Isadora na sa kanyang kompanya na lang siya magtrabaho bilang isa sa mga wedding organizers nito. At least, sa trabahong ito ay hindi niya kailangang matali sa loob nang matagal na oras. Seasonal kumbaga ang kanyang trabaho, walang masyadong stress, walang masyadong pressure. At hindi nila pinag-usapan ang regularization sa trabaho niya, she could stay as long as she wanted or she could leave any time katulad ng nakagawian niya. Ganoon naging napakamaunawain ni Isadora sa kanya.

But her life's greatest battle was her inability to keep a relationship, whether it is love or friendship. At her age, she had many intense and unstable relationships.

Once she met a potential lover, she would immediately engage herself in a serious relationship. She would love the man, well, that's what she believed. That's why she would demand to spend a lot of time together and felt happy with him. However, after days or months, she would immediately change her feelings and thoughts on that person, feeling that he does not care enough, does not give enough and will not be there enough. And suddenly, her disillusionment would create a fear of rejection or abandonment that she would eventually run away. Kesehodang sisirain niya ang isang relasyon makatakas lamang dito. At wala siyang pakialam kung nakakasakit na siya ng damdamin ng kapwa.

Kung hanggang kailan siya parurusahan ng kakaibang karamdaman ay hindi niya alam. At kung hanggang kailan siya mananakit ng damdamin ng mga lalaki ay hindi rin niya masasabi.

What she knew was that she needed love. And she would continue falling in love until the right man comes along. The man who would not allow her to run away. The man who could not afford to let her go.