Mistakes

THE PAST

I'm getting too jealous. it's like I don't wanna go to school but I have to if I wanna see her, but I just can't stand being near them.

They always pair them up, yes, I said ALWAYS. Its like his planning it, everything, It's like I wanna beat him to pulp, and I won't stop until two of his bones are fractured, and I'll beat up his friends too, and if your thinking who is it that I wanna beat up it's not Kill it's his friend Neal.

Anyway, enough about that crap.
Sometimes I think that we still have what had in The Past.

I wish Honey would remind me so I can just stop, but sometimes I just wanna ask her; "How can I move on if I'm still inlove with you?"

Maybe I should just give up....
Or maybe I shouldn't....
Either way she'll never love me the way I love her....

Sometimes I joke around and go with their flow, teasing Honey and Neal
But deep inside.... just like the clouds my eyes did the same... it just rained..
And sometimes I wonder if the saying is true: "If you love someone set them free ,but when they come back they truly love you"
Cuz I came back to her when she let me free to love Mizpah...
But now she just wouldn't....
She wouldn't let me back.....
I was too blind to let her go...
And I can't believe I made a mistake, it was me giving into the lust for a relationship, with the girl I can't see moving, all I could see were pictures of her, I just wanna see her in a video with her family or friends,
but I can't...
I just...
CAN'T....
If I have to give up on a
battle, it's okay...
I may have lost the battle but I can still win the war...

But, but why can't I stop being jealous?
I'm not supposed to be jealous if I already got over Honey. Atleast I think I did. But did I really get over her?
The answer is No.
I did not get over her beacuse like she said once:
"It's hard to forget someone who left you so much to remember."

And she posted that with my favourite picture of her.

But, I just can't make up my mind.
I have to make a decision now.
I can't think for too long.
Either way, she'll pick someone else cuz I'm too boring to be with.
I'm not fun.
And I certainly don't give a crap about anything that people would say to me.
She just talks to me if she needs my glasses. Like somehow she treats me like a charger, she only uses me when she needs it. But she isn't like the others, yeah they are prettier than her, they are smarter than her but they are not Honey. She is somehow different to me she stands out above all of them, she is unique. She is not like the others that I had a crush on.
She is not common. She is fun to be with. Honey is one in a billion.
Anyone can immitate her but they're still not her cuz she is the only one that stands out. So if people don't like her then thats fine by me, but if they go too far... I will fight for her... no matter what happens to me, all that matters to me is she doesn't get hurt.

Turns out, Honey doesn't want a guy who is too good, who is too serious, she wants a guy who makes jokes, who makes her laugh, but I can't, cuz everytime I try to make her laugh it always ends up being turned down...
Sometimes I wanna say to Honey that she changed she isn't the Honey that I used to know, she isn't the girly, happy-go-lucky, peppy, and social girl that I used to know. Since I said that she shouldn't talk to me for a while we started to get akward to each other she wouldn't talk to me about her problems, I missed being her psychologist. I missed respecting someone that I love other than my family. Honey changed, she changed her ways or maybe it was me...
Maybe I'm the one who had changed
Maybe it's my fault...Maybe it is...

Oct.5,2015
Last night (Oct.4,2015)
I dreamed about me and Crystel on a date, when she was feeling cold I hugged her and closed my eyes, the next second when I looked at her it wasn't Crystel, it was Honey, she was crying I tried to ask her why she was crying but she wouldn't stop.

After a few minutes she said:
"It was a mistake"

"Huh?" I said
"We all make mistakes don't we?"

"I guess so"she muttered

"Don't cry" I said
"I won't leave you here and I never will"

Then after that she hugged me even tighter than I hugged her, almost to the point that she would squish me.
Then I looked around if there was any people that I know so I can get Honey home easily but when I look back at her she was already asleep. So I got in a taxi with Honey to bring her to her house. When I carried her to her bed, I fell on her bed and she pulled me closer to her, she was hugging me like a pillow, but it was different I was facing her.

Then after that she woke up she asked me why I was in her bed
I said: "I accidentally fell in your bed after I brought you home, you were getting heavy."

"Thank you, for everything."
She said

"I'm the one who should thank you,
cuz if it wasn't for you I never found my true happiness." I said

Then she just smiled and I woke up from that dream. And i got ready for school, expecting that I'll get jealous again.

I just want to go back to the moment when we were still close and say what I really feel for her, to say that I love her.