Mistakes

Love is not Blind. We are Blind

MY POV

I've been such a fool, to let her go, to change my ways, all this time I never knew I was slowly changing my ways,I began to adapt to my rude, cruel, dangerous environment, I began to talk back at bullies instead of ignoring them, I forgot my ways because of worrying to much about Honey, I forgot what I always tell her when someone teases her:
"Ignore them, they'll forget it eventually."

Throughout all the things I've done, made, I learned the important things that I shouldn't forget:

1.Never forget who you are
2.Never forget your ways
3.Never forget why she/he can't be with you
4.Never forget the things she/he has done for you
5.Never forget that someone else loves you

I really didn't mean to say that she inly talks to me for my glasses, I only said that because I was jealous, because I worry too much, because I've been such a fool...

One day Honey's mother called me and said that she wants me to put my studies first and because I respect Honey's mom I will do it for the both of them. I'm gonna start to study harder and put my studies first.

I've been deciding whether I should focus on my studies completely or I should have a little fun after it.

It's hard to decide for me because this is the first time I get to decide on how I should do my studies. Because before I fell in love with anyone all I knew was my studies and it's importance like somehow it is already implanted in my mind right after I was born.
But when I met my first crush I became distracted. From Rank 3rd to Rank 6th.
Until I wasn't part of the honors anymore. Then I realized that falling in love can have a huge impact on someone's life.

The first time I broke someones heart (unintentional) I didn't feel anything. Power, disgust, fear, NOTHING. I felt NOTHING. But there was one time that still haunts me. My biggest mistake. My worst decision. In fact, I never really wanted to say that Honey shouldn't talk to me. I guess there is no Forever after all.

Forever is just a word and also is Love.
Sometimes Forever is not FOR EVERy one.
It's just for the ones who deserves it not for the ones who needs or wants it.

Love is not blind. We are blind. We can only see what is outside. For some of us it's the outside that matters and they don't know that it's about what's inside.

But sometimes I want to hate Honey but I can't. Why did I have to let her go? Why was I so stupid that the one desirable girl was just infront of me the whole freaking time. Sometimes I try to cry to serve as a punishment for me although it doesn't change anything. When she dumped me I didn't feel anything neither hate nor pain. But when she started hanging out with HIM
I felt the pain. HE was an @$$H0LE. It wasn't enough that she has Honey. HE tried to insult me just because HE can't dance.
HE can't even sing. All he can do is draw things. And somehow Honey is attracted to HIM. But I don't care even if he gets to be with Honey for the rest of his life cuz now I just don't give a crap about anything I'm gonna be cold to anyone cuz they just turned on me, they used to be on my side but now I have no one to be with.
And Honey doesn't notice me anymore cuz I feel like she doesn't even know that I'm there she sees the people around me but not me, every time I hear her name my heart collapses knowing that I was wrong. I didn't do the things that I should've done to her. And now it's too late for me to say sorry to all that things that I've done. And I actually miss the times that she borrows my eye glasses cuz now I think it's my only chance to get closer to her as a friend.

One day our teacher said something to me.
He made me think about what He said to me on friday.
I know that she is not a toy that I can give away if I don't want her any more cuz since I saw Honey I loved her. I let Honey go because I love her, not because I hate her. And Honey, she doesn't know how I love her. And I know she'll never love me the way that I love her and also I know that she never loved me in anyway. Sometimes it just hurts when Honey, and Neal are together, having fun. And for him it's not enough that he has her for all to himself. He tries to make me stay away from her. He tries to tease me. The way that I dance. The way that I say words.

And what I see is
he also tries to steal my friends. He threatens Justine so he could help Neal. And also Renev. F*^K. Almost all of them are with Neal.
Maybe she were right.
I AM BORING.
I don't have real friends all of them are fake!
When they needed me I helped them. When I needed them they won't help all they do is laugh.

And sometimes I hear voices in my mind;

Voice 1:Real friends don't exist!!
Real friends only exist in fairy tales!!
You don't have any friends!!
It's just you and me!!
None of them are loyal to you!!
They're fake!!

Voice 2: Come on! You have friends! You have Matt!

Voice 3: Don't listen to them! All you need is your family not your friends!

Like some how they are having a debate on which voice is right.

Maybe "REAL FRIENDS" don't exist.
Maybe they can only be in fairy tales and in my wildest dreams. I don't know if I could trust anyone now. All I have is my family, Matt, Honey's mom, the voices in my head and God. And all of them mean alot to me.

I just realized:
The word SORRY can't change anything.
When you say sorry to someone that you've hurt does it change anything?
That SOMEONE is still hurt after we say sorry.