Fall Away (Sequel To "Holding On To You: A Twenty One Pilots Fanfiction")

eleven

I sat in my pajamas on the couch sipping my coffee. I could hear the rain pounding on the roof of the bus. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on something besides my painful headache. My mind flashed back to last night.

Tyler came out and pulled me inside. I was shaking, partly because I was soaked from the rain and partly because of what just happened. 

"Jess," he said. 

"I just want to be alone," I replied. 

"Well let's get back to the bus," Tyler suggested. 

I didn't want to. I didn't know what I wanted.

Eventually, we made our way back to the bus. Dean was waiting outside, under an umbrella. I realized he needed his stuff, which was inside the bus. When we got out of the car he didn't say a word. I opened the door for him and he walked through without looking at me. He grabbed his bag, and turned to leave. 

"Dean, you should stay overnight. Your bus ticket is for tomorrow isn't it?" I asked. 

"I'll find a hotel," he said. 

"Dean, please," I begged. 

"Stop!" he yelled. "I'd rather be anywhere besides here." 

He left without another word. 

I replayed last night over and over again in my mind. I wanted to blame someone, but there was no one to blame but myself. 

Tyler was taking a nap, and Josh was sitting beside me. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked. 

As much as I didn't want to, I couldn't stop thinking about it. Maybe talking about it out loud would help think things through. 

"Okay," I sighed.

After a few moments I began, "I loved him... Dean, I mean. But I also love Tyler..." I admitted. "I wouldn't have kissed him if I didn't. And I really wish I didn't, you know? Like our relationship is just too complicated. That's why I ended things in the first place," I rambled. 

"Like I love Tyler more than I love Dean, I think... but I can't ignore the fact that after summer... after the tour? We're barely gonna see each other. Loving Dean was easy... we go to the same school, we have the same interests. But Tyler and I live in two different worlds." 

"You can't love someone out of convenience," Josh interrupted. 

"I know... and I feel so guilty. I feel more guilty than I feel sad. Because I'm the one who kissed Tyler. God damn it. I kissed him right in front of Dean. So even if I do love Tyler, how can I go on and be happy with him all summer after what I just did? Jesus, I criticize my parents for their faults, but I'm no better!"

"Jess, I think you need to take a deep breath." 

I followed his suggestion. 

"That's it. Breathe. Listen to me. No one died. No one's injured. So what? You messed up. You were confused, and that's normal. Love is confusing... life is confusing. You can't undo what you did... you just have to live with it."

"How?" I pleaded. 

"Well you owe Dean a sincere apology, for starters. And you gotta make up you're mind about Tyler. This push and pull thing that you do isn't fair to him or to yourself..." 

"I know," I agreed. 

"And if you both decide you wanna try things again, then go for it. Because like I said, you can't go back and change the past. All you can do is apologize and move on. Feeling guilty isn't going to get you anywhere." 

"Yeah, you're right," I said. 

"Of course I am," he laughed. "Are you feeling better?" 

"Yes. You should totally be a shrink," I joked. "But thank you." 

It had stopped raining. I went outside to call Dean. It went into voicemail, as I had expected. 

"Hi, Dean. It's me Jess. I know you don't want anything to do with me and I don't blame you. What I did was wrong, and I don't expect your forgiveness. I just wanted to let you know that I'm so sorry. There are no excuses for what I did. I also wanted to let you know that I hadn't been doing anything with Tyler beforehand. Like I haven't been lying to you these past couple of weeks. I was no more than friends with him.... until last night. Again, you have every right to hate me, but I still care about you and hope that we can be friends again someday. Hope your summer is great. Bye." 

I immediately felt better after I hung up. I knew Dean was no where near forgiving me, but I owed him that apology, and that's all I could do. 

I went back inside. Tyler was up now, looking into the fridge.

"Hey, can we talk?" I asked him.

"No Jess.. I really don't want to hear how kissing me was a mistake and how you're sorry and you want to be friends. It's the same with you all the time, and-" 

I interrupted him, with a kiss. I pulled back after a few seconds, my hands around his neck.  

"No, Tyler it wasn't a mistake..." I said. "I know I've made so many mistakes with you and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for everything I've put you through these past couple months. I've been a dramatic, selfish, bitch and I'm so so sorry. But I always end up coming back to you. And I don't know why it took me so long to realize it... but finally... after how many times... I realized... it's because I'm in love with you. I love you Tyler, more than I have ever loved anyone. And I understand if you don't feel the same anymore because of how much of a bitch I've been, but-" 

This time he kissed me. And it was the most real kiss I've ever had. It was filled with happiness and passion. Filled with mutual feelings of attraction. Our lips fit together better than they ever had before, and a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulder. 

Eventually, after the kiss broke, Tyler said something I will never forget, "I love you too.. Always have, always will."