Getting over Gabe

C H A P T E R 1

C H A P T E R    1

‘I’m Sue, and this is Desmond. We’re care workers here. You can see the other kids in the morning, it’s too late now. I assume you’ve eaten?’

I nodded sullenly at the smiling woman, and the man behind her, who was leaning on the counter. Pat was standing silently in the door way, and when she finally spoke up, it was only to say: ‘I’d better go, call me if you need anything, okay Sue?’

‘Sure,’ said Sue. ‘Thanks!’ She called, as Pat stepped out into the rain, Desmond a few steps behind her. ‘Good night!’

I stared at my feet, and my rucksack on the ground next to me. It was eleven nearly twelve, everyone was in bed, Sue said, except Cam, who was seventeen. He was meant to be asleep, but he never really listened, and Sue hadn’t given up exactly, but she had realized that leaving him to it was better. She said he was probably listening to music in his room, and she was sorry, but I was right next to his room. Apparently the walls were like paper, so it might be quite hard to get to sleep, but hopefully I’d be tired enough that it wouldn’t matter.

She took me up to my room, trying to be as quiet as possible, but our foot steps still seemed to echo in the big silent house. I held my rucksack tighter on my shoulder, and stepped into my room. It was empty, and in the dark I couldn’t really make out any colour. Sue flicked on the light, and I could see there was a regular sized bed in the corner, perfectly made, with cream sheets like you sometimes get in hotels. The room was, over all, plain, the carpet was a sort of grey brown colour, and the walls an off white. However, though plain, it wasn’t in bad condition, it just needed to be lived in, decorated.

‘We’ll help you decorate if you want. We’re not allowed to paint the walls or anything, but we might manage to get you a desk and chair, and you can put up some posters to make it look less empty, help you make it yours…’

I nodded again, and started scuffing my shoe on the carpet.

Sue sighed. ‘I know this is hard for you, Katy, but keeping it in isn’t going to help you… If you ever need to talk…’ Her shoulders slumped slightly then. ‘Look, you can unpack tomorrow, but I suggest you get some sleep now, okay?’

‘Alright.’ I said. Why couldn’t she just leave me alone? Couldn’t she see I didn’t want, or need, help?

Sue left, quietly closing the door behind her, and I put on my pajamas. I could hear the bass beat from the room next to me, and Sue and Desmond whispering from the kitchen. I sighed slightly, sat on the bed for a while, humming a little with the song playing in the other room. I wasn’t sure where I’d heard it before until I remembered Gabe had liked it. 

Music.

No, this couldn’t happen again. I tried to get the memory to go away. But it wouldn’t.

Gabe was dancing with me. We were at a party. There were people everywhere, and it was hot, sweaty almost. I felt stifled.

I closed my eyes, breathed deeply, reminded myself that this wasn’t real, that it was the past. But it wasn’t, not really. It was still… there…

I was the youngest there. There was alcohol. Gabe was a little drunk, but not drunk enough not to know what he was doing. I myself was a little tipsy too. I’d told myself I wouldn’t drink, that I was fifteen, it was against the law. But Gabe convinced me, said every one drunk under age. Said he had. Course he did, but he was Gabe, wasn’t he? Still, the look of disappointment, and disapproval made me succumb to his wishes.

I blinked, gripped the bed, but it was still there. I could hear the too loud music from the other room, and the same song but louder, from the party. I could feel other teens dancing around me.

Feel Gabe’s hard hand on my back. I couldn’t escape. I was trapped. He didn’t do it in a good way, not like other couples did. He did it in a controlling way. His breath smelt like beer and shots. And I just wanted to get of his grasp.

Breathe. In. Out. It’s not real. Not anymore.

But I couldn’t.

In. Out.

I tried to escape. I ran. He followed, only marginally slower than he would have been sober. I’m in the loo, breathing, the door slammed shut behind me. I lean on it, ignoring his hammering on the wooden frame between us.

Just. Breathe.

I’m going to get hell for this later.

In. Out. Repeat. In. Out.

‘Katy! Come out!’

It’s not real. It’s the past.

I’d better come out before he gets even angrier.

Everything will be fine. Look around. Feel the bed beneath you. It’s not real.

I open the door. Stand, staring at the floor guiltily. My hair is a curtain. I pretend I’m not there. I’m anywhere else.

I am. I am somewhere else. I’m with Desmond and Sue. I’m in a Children’s Home. This isn’t real.

But it feels so real. I can’t pretend.

In. Out. Breath. It’s okay.

It’s not okay. It’s not. Music caries on blasting from downstairs. My dress is wet from a spilt drink. My mascara is smudged, I saw it in the mirror. I wish I wasn’t here.

I’m not there.

But I am.

It’s not real.

‘Katy? Why the fuck did you leave me? You humiliated me! Now everyone will think I can’t even control my own fucking girlfriend!’

Leave me alone. Please. Leave me alone.

Leave me alone. Please. Leave me be.

It’s the past. I’m safe.

He raises his fist. His breath smells of alcohol.

Not. Real.

I flinch.

Calm.

Pain.

‘No!’  My scream seemed to split open the air.   The music from the other room faded out as the song ends. I was safe from the memories. They were gone.

I dug through my bag until I found the scarf, a strange faded blue, my gran’s. It felt silky against my skin. I smelt it, breathed in her scent. The only family I ever really had.  

And then I started to cry, the material muffling my sobbing. I cried for Gran, for Dad, for Mum, for what Gabe did, I cried for me.

And then I was drifting.

And I was asleep.

And I dreamt of silk cloth, of Gabe, of Pat, of clouds, of house parties, and of the boy I hadn’t met yet, in the next door room.

I woke up once in the night, and even though I was half asleep, I could have sworn I saw the shadow of someone standing in my door way. But I didn’t feel scared, I felt safe.