When you were still sane

Melancholia

melancholia (n) meaning; a mental condition characterised by great depressions.

"Big boys don't cry, they don't ask why."

Jax PoV

Her gaze was cold and her hands trembled, but she tried to hide it by putting them into fist.

I only stared at her.

I loved her.

I love her.

"Please go, before it gets harder to ask." Her voice shakes and I'm sure she hates it, but it only tells me she doesn't mean it.

My jaw sets, and instead of talking her out of it I turn away.

And I run.

And run, and run.

A voice echoes out of nowhere, it is the voice of Daphne.

I remember her talking about a party.

Today's party.

I don't stop running even if my eyes sting from held back tears and my lungs burn from nonstop running.

I arrive there.

And I see them.

The setting is actually peaceful.

The 1975 'Girls' is playing and fireflies make a scene.

Everyone seems so calm and it feels so wrong considering what has just happened.

She was never officially mine but, it still hurt so bad.

Is this what love is?

It's what his parents showed love to be.

Maybe this was love, if this was it I don't want it.

They say, you hurt the ones you love the most, she must love me a lot.

I grab a beer and decide to get wasted before I even think about approaching Daphne.

      

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"I DON'T WANNA BE YOUR FRIEND, I WANNA KISS YOUR NECK." We scream together.

we are wasted.

"I'm Infatuated with you, Daphne." I laugh.

"Infatuated?" She laughs back.

I only stay silent.

I didn't even mean that. 

She isn't Ash.

We are now kissing.

She isn't Ash.

I try to not care and pretend it's her, but it doesn't feel right.

She isn't Ash.

I never even got to kiss Ash.

This is wrong.

"Why don't you come with us?" She laughs.

And I don't want to. 

But I do.

We dodge trains last second.

We go into old slaughterhouses.

We are stupid.

This is stupid.

This isn't me.

But, I stay anyways.

I stay for such a long time.

   Ash PoV

The only thing I can do is cry.

My mind is slipping up more often and I can feel it. I am a Melancholia.

The best I can manage is a full smile and show up am hour late to work.

They don't really care.

I don't really care.

He didn't care.

And I feel myself fading to gray.

But, one day, she shows up.

Daphne.

She sat on Dani's bed and we talked for hours.

I never mentioned Jax but we talked of our mental health.

She confessed to me she was suicidal.

And she made me promise on my life to never tell Danielle.

I told her I would, but only if she gave Danielle her baby journal.

I had a sad feeling she'd need it one day.

Me and Daphne went on like this for what seemed to be an eternity.

She always visited in secret and I couldn't help but feel bad for judging her.

And one day I felt feelings for her.

I wasn't sure how far they went.

I wasn't sure if it was as friends or something more.

I decided to deny it.

I was only aching for Jax and Danielle.

Daphne was just being a good friend.