R.I.P Bon

Chapter 3

April, 2009

“You have to tell me who the hell this girl you're crushing on is Tyler!” Bon asked me eagerly.

“Nobody,” I spat out, all too quickly.

I couldn't help but let my gaze wander past Bon's head, to the group of girls gathered on the end of the beach, not far from our spot at the reef. I couldn't stop the smallest hint of a smile from edging its way onto my lips as my eyes found her, propped up on her elbows, lying by the water in a white bikini. But it wasn't her clothing, or hereby lack of, that sparked my interest; it was her beauty. She had long, dark brown, almost black straight hair, that seemed to frame her face perfectly. She had striking light blue eyes that sparkled in the sun and a naturally tanned complexion. She didn't seem to smile much, but whenever she did I swear it could brighten the entire ocean. She was the kind of girl that made the toughest of men weak at the knees.

Forgetting my current conversation with Bon entirely, he followed my gaze and chuckled to himself, snapping me out of my trance.

“What's so funny?” I asked, defensively.

“So it's Allison hey?” He replied, teasingly.

“No...well yeah, I guess.”

“Out of all the potential girls you could have your eye on, why her?”

“I don't know man...”

“I heard she's trouble.” He said simply, looking over his shoulder at the group of girls.

“Trouble?” I asked.

Bon leaned in slightly, a serious tone in his voice and troubled look in his ocean eyes. “Yeah, well not her, specifically. But that family. That family is trouble.”

I simply gazed back over at Allison and wondered how a girl as young and beautiful as her could be 'trouble'. But the longer I stared the more I noticed the vacant look in her eyes and the absence of the heart-stopping smile that should be gracing her lips. But that's the funny thing about the parts of life that could get us into trouble; we always seem to desire them the most.

I groaned awake, my hands sleepily searching my bedside table for my phone. Gentle rays of sunlight seeped in from behind the curtains on my bedroom window, and as the realisation that it was only 6:00am hit me I pulled my blanket over my head as I attempted to roll over and go back to sleep. This was the way things had been since Bon died; late nights and early mornings. Heavy eyelids and a loose grip on reality. Every night my dreams were plagued with memories of his face; some nights I was drowning in the deep mysterious oceans that were his eyes, while other nights I would find myself sitting by the water, talking to him like old times, which only made waking up all the more difficult.

I dragged myself out of bed tiredly and into my bathroom. It was the day I had been dreading. Funeral day. I took a long warm shower, standing under the hot water aimlessly, watching the steam gather heavily in the bathroom, hoping maybe that it'll drown me. As I re-entered my bedroom I cringed at the sight of the suit that my mother had picked out for me to wear, hung on my wardrobe door. It seemed pointless, for us to put all this effort into looking our best, all for a boy that will never even witness it. I slid into my black skinny jeans and the black button up shirt and jacket.

I made my way to the funeral alone; I found it easier that way. It was being held at the cliff top that overlooked the beach, and more importantly, the reef. It was always windier at the top of the cliff than it was down on the beach, and as I stepped out of my car the scent of seawater hit me like a tone of bricks. For a moment I struggled to breath, for all I could inhale was memories of Bon. This whole town was just one big reminder of him; the smell, the sound, the people. The sky was a stormy gray, the distant sound of thunder looming over the dark horizon. Fitting weather for a funeral, I thought to myself.

Rows of chairs were lined up and down the cliff face, people, some I had never seen before in my life gathered around, comforting one another. I chuckled to myself with no presence of humor; I wondered how many of these people actually knew Bon, or cared about him as a person. How many of these people were just using Bon's death as an excuse to gain sympathy from others? To seem like a deeper, more experienced person? I bet each and every one of them are regretting something they've said or done to Bon in the past, wondering if they contributed to him ultimately taking his own life. I wanted to scream in every single one of their faces, because maybe, just maybe if they had acted differently towards Bon when he might still be around today.

“Tyler...” A soft voice said from behind me.

I turned to see Allison, looking more beautiful than ever with her black dress, smoky black eye makeup and her long hair framing her face effortlessly in the wind. And yet somehow, my heart didn't skip a beat the way that it should, my eyes didn't light up the way they once would. I was lifeless. Lifeless towards my own girlfriend.

“How are you holding up?” She asked, placing her hand gently on my arm.

I shivered slightly at the touch, but I simply shrugged. Her gaze dropped ever so slightly and I felt guilty, the same way I did every time sadness met those beautiful eyes.

She looked back up at me and smiled softly, “Well, there's quite a few people who want to speak with you, I'll catch you later okay?”

She didn't wait for me to reply this time and placed a gentle kiss on my cheek, then disappeared. I knew that I had to stop pushing that girl away, I just didn't know how.

The funeral moved slowly and uneventfully. Each person who stood up to speak spoke the exact same words, recycled from their favourite movie. They all spoke about how amazing Bon was, how happy and full of life he always was. How heaven needed him more than we did, how God is looking after him now. By the time it was my turn to stand and address the funeral, the numbness had once again subsided, and feeling was flooding back, all too quickly.

“Bon,” I started slowly, and watched as all the faces in the crowd expressed fake looks of sympathy towards me. “I was waiting for you man, right down there by the sea where we used to meet to share in our pain and decry misery. I waited I swear, but when I got down to the ocean man, you were not fucking there. I just wish that you spoke up and held out your hand, because you know I was there man you know that I cared, and now that you're gone I feel I'm to blame. I've been grieving so much with each passing day, but I'm angry and hurt and I hate you all the same. I know now you hated life even more with each breath, I know now that you did not have any fight left. I know you were grieving with each passing day, and to know most of all you did not want to stay.”

This had been the most words I had spoken in days, and my mouth felt numb and weak with each word that escaped my lips, not unlike the rest of me. I watched as Bon's ashed were scattered by his mother into the ocean's depths, where he would forever be a part of now. I caught glances every now and then from Allison as she stood with her older brother Jared, but all I craved at that moment was to be completely and entirely alone. Away from all these people attempting to comfort and console me over my loss; I needed to escape from the fake sympathy that I did not feel deserving of. The ocean was Bon's home now, but where does that leave me?