Broken Rules - Phan

Part 15

It was crazy. I was crazy. Everything was crazy. I couldn't breathe through the cold wind and rain attacking my face, through the tears that were trying to push out of my eyes and through the lump in my throat that was warning me against it.

I just wanted to see him. Touch his skin. Tell him through my tears how I felt. I needed him to stroke my hair, tell me he felt the same, tell me he loved me. Tell me that all of the pain could go away; that he could make it go away. I just wanted to see him.

But like most times, the universe was against us. I'd ran to his dorm as fast as my legs could take me. I ran into the reformers block and into his room. I burst into tears and ran to the body on the bed,
"Dude that's gross the fuck..." The boy had dark skin and dark brown hair. Evidently not Phil.
"Where's Phil?" I choked out, my body in a tremor,
"If you run you'll catch him before he gets on the bus," he smiled at me but I was too busy sprinting to return the favour.

I found the bus. My heart was dropping as I realised that he might not be there. But the driver was out smoking and he was sitting in the bus, hands cuffed and black soot hair covering his face.

I climbed in, he kept his head glued to the ground.
"Phil," I whispered, edging towards him and wiping my face of every residue present on it.  He slowly glanced up and I gasped before I could clock what happened. His face was covered in bruises and his hands in burns. And his eyes were swimming with pain.

It took me no time to softly wrap his hair in my fingers and put our foreheads together. I heard him gently cry as I softened the hold I had on him. Instead, I held the sides of his neck. This wasn't how I wanted to remember him. I wanted to remember him for his vibrant blue eyes, his confident form, his crooked smile and the beautiful art that swam up his arm. I couldn't look at him then, broken and torn apart. Just like me.

I had to keep my eyes closed and pictured him in all of his glory. I had to or I knew I would cry again. I kept my forehead on his, with my eyes tightly shut, and began to try and explain how much he meant to me.
"Phil," I started, the small snag in my throat pulsing, "I love you," his breath staggered and I could tell he was crying on me. But, still, I closed my eyes, as tightly as I could, and let my fingers curl around the hair that resided at the back of his neck.

"I... If I could... No... Wait... Shit... Your eyes.." he softly laughed on my shoulder, "shut up," I cooed, "this is harder than you might think," I giggled along with him. "Ok," I took in a deep breath and thought of him. Thought of the way I saw him, portrayed him. He was the most perfect being in the least perfect way. And I loved him. "I love the way that your eyes glitter and you smile up to your eyes... And... And I love the feeling in my stomach and chest when you say my name. Like normally. I could listen to you talk for hours. The way you draw brings me life," he chuckled softly, "it does! And... Phil Lester?" I just pictured him and me sitting under our favourite tree, drinking in the sunlight and each other's company. "I really love you."

"That's so cheesy," he softly whispered, tears obviously scattered on his face.
"It's meant to be cheesy," I playfully pointed out. It didn't matter if putting all of my weight on my knees was hurting me. I was here with him. I could say goodbye.

We were two parts of a puzzle; likely or unlikely is a personal decision that you can make for yourself. You can decide for yourself if it was fate or a total coincidence. But when you're with that person, nothing else, nobodies opinion, matters. Many people will tell you that, when you are with them, the whole universe feels like it's staring. And you're able to say, 'they're mine'. It doesn't matter if you're a girl and a girl, a boy and a boy or any possible combination of gender. We are all just people. And people fall in love. People laugh. People cry. And I am a person who happens to be in love with Phil Lester.

I didn't care who knew, all I wanted to do was shout it from the rooftops. I wanted to tell everybody that when he touched me all I wanted was more, when he wrapped his arms around me I never wanted him to let go, when he placed his lips on mine the taste was otherworldly and when he talked to me, addressed me by my name, I wanted to hold him tight and tell him how much he meant to me. I needed his blue eyes, his milky way white skin, his art that swirled up his arm, his beautifully crooked features and his wonderful attitude. I had had so much fun with Phil, in the most innocent way, he exhilarated every aspect of my life and brought out things in me that I never thought were there. He'd set off a spark in me.

Through all of this, I'd forgotten I was exhausted. Pushed it to the back of my mind. So when I finally uttered my last words to him, I then fell to the ground with complete exhaustion.
"This is the most fun I've ever had."

~~~~~~~

Yep I went there