Flyover City! A Novel (with Superheroes)

20. Out to Lunch

Did you pick up last week's issue of Time? If you're one of the 12 million people who get their phone, cable, and / or Internet service from Vaig Communications, it would appear that you have, and that you paged-to and read with great interest their cover story ("Unlikely Hero") profiling the ever-elusive Hungarian orphan / reformed supervillain / self-made multimillionaire Alton Vaig - and his quest to revolutionize the way the world surfs for porn from home. And really, who could blame you? It was gripping stuff. I particularly liked the sidebar with all the helpful graphics, outlining the evolution from Nicola Tesla's original death ray to the patented Hypeport unit that now sits in so many homes across the country.

Antimatter particles injected directly into our fiber optic network? Seriously? I'm pretty sure they didn't mention that in training.

That little factoid has given credence to all the reports of anomalies that are warping our customers phone and television reception. The Agency has released a hasty statement assuring the public that they've looked into the matter, and that the anomalies are 1) rare, 2) affecting only electronic transmissions, and 3) not strong enough to rip a hole in the fabric of reality.

Well, my concerns have certainly been put to rest. Our customers, on the other hand, are calling in at an unprecedented rate. A week of drawn out conversations with conspiracy theorists and armchair quantum physicists about the philosophical ramifications of their Internet connection is enough to make me long for my simple chats with Mr. Charlton.

Our tripled call volume has been terrible for employee morale, which can only means one thing: More Donuts! How does that old saying go again? Oh, yeah - "Feed a cold, starve a fever, stuff a hole in the space-time continuum with deep fried empty calories."

As the Corporate Communications Editor for the call center, Gwen is responsible for disseminating information to the masses about the various incentives (Donuts! Free Movie Passes! Target gift cards!) they're giving us to not ram our skulls in with our telephones. Not only that, she's actually accompanying the team leads as they deliver said prizes, along with a bouquet of helium filled balloons, to the reps who take the highest number of calls during their shift. This morning, one of my coworkers actually managed to win something, and as the expected response if you're not on a call is to gather around their desk to congratulate them, I tried as best I could to look busy.

But then, something unexpected happened: Gwen actually made eye contact with me, her eyes squinting, looking right past my ruse.

"Joel... are you on a call?" She said, in an unexpectedly sing-songy voice.

"Yeah. Well... no. Just got off, got to finish this note..."

"Get on over to Anita's desk. You need to show support for your fellow agents." Then, under her breath, "Trust me, you don't want to miss this."

She made a face, an expression I haven't seen in what feels like forever; barely-crossed eyes, just the very tip of her tongue pressing out from her pursed lips in exasperation. She's moved past her outward anger towards me, but this wasn't just politeness - it was a show of humanity. And it came rushing back, how heart breakingly adorable she could be in those seconds when she used to talk to me like I was the only person in the room.

I gathered with the rest of my team around Anita's cube, and joined in with the polite round of applause at the big reveal (Ipod shuffle!). When the furor died down we all moved to return to our desks, but as this was the first prize to be won by someone in our group, Team Leader Tim decided this would be the ideal time to make a speech.

"Hey you guys, I just want to take a minute to let you all know how proud I am of each and every one of you, for all your hard work over the last couple of weeks. I know that it hasn't been easy, but I think we all realize how great it feels when you're a part of the team that makes it happen..."