Lost Stars

Chapter Fourteen

"Jesse will always make me feel jealous." She smiled foolishly accepting her defeat.

She'd been honest about that since day one. Her mood is instantly changing if I mention her name out of the blue. She stops talking and loses her smile by just hearing me talk about her. I wonder what she'd feel if I told her that I choose to be with her after we broke up.

"I married her." I said wanting her to feel the same jealousy she does when we're still together. We ended up sitting on the sand watching the dark horizon ahead of us. The only thing I'm hearing are the waves crushing in front of us. I felt cold all of a sudden. This is the spot where we can see the lighthouse on the other side of the sea with it's visible light.

"Then why the hell are you here with me at this very moment?" Her pitch changed but her question made me regret confessing about my marriage.

I felt the need to get another bottle of beer. Should I tell her why? I sighed.

What's the point of telling her? But why not? I was drifting unto my years spent after I married Jesse. Two months after Hayley's birthday, Hansel told me that her mom got her a better job in Paris. She said she'll try for just a year so I agreed. I thought it'll be fast but I don't know what happened. I mean slowly, I felt how far she is to me. I noticed that every day without her seems like a million lightyears away. I swear to God I tried to work things out, but I failed.

I got tired of doing all the efforts just to talk to her. I can't work good, I can't sleep good, I can't even spend time with my friends and family anymore because I am adjusting my time to hers. Since my parents warned me about what they think about Hansel, I seldom stay at home anymore. I spent more time inside my studio and at work, and of course trying to be with her as often as possible.

"Hey? Earth calling Allen." She pulls me out of my reverie.

"What's your question again?" I asked choosing to tell her my life with Jesse other than those times that we struggle to be with each other or rather I struggle. It always felt like I was the only one making those adjustments. It feels fine at first, her telling me she's tired and sleepy or she's out with her new friends or she's with Madison doing some mom-daughter bonding. But, I came to a point wherein I'd rather sleep than wait for her.

A couple more months and my friends talk to me about it.

"Why are you drinking alone?" A question flashed from her.

"People change. This is how I cope up with all my frustrations nowadays." I explained.

"Since when?" She added.

"Let me think about it, maybe when Jesse got pregnant with Adam, our second son. He came unexpected, and a lot sooner than I thought. I had to change job, something that can earn more because she stopped working since Jared was born. It was difficult, I didn't know that family life will be that maddening." I answered.

"You stopped being a photographer?" She was surprised.

"Boring office job pays better, Jesse didn't even like me being around models." I confessed a little frustrsted.

"She has the right to be jealous though." She replied.

I shook my head feeling defeated when it comes to woman's language.

"Your mom and dad, where are they?" She asked again.

"I didn't tell you about dad's condition. Shortly after you left for Paris, he was diagnosed with brain aneurysm and died five months later. It was actually the same day when we last talk. When we settle everything about us." I suddenly stopped.