My Random thoughts

Doodle writing.

Okay, I'm bored so I'm reminding myself of who we were. I'm going to call myself 'T' I know-the most charming letters of the alphabet, we'll actually it's not. When someone thinks of the alphabet what usually comes to mind?

Well, Not 'T', at least not usually. What's important about 'T'? Nothing.

Not a dang thing.

So... let's see...

Put yourself in 'T's shoes. So, when's the last time 'T' thought hard about their life? What are they going to do?

Now imagine a teacher (oh looky! A T word!) Asking 'T' what they want to do in their life?

What can you imagine?

...

This is awkward for me at least, because here I am in a room, under a blanket obsessing over my phone as I do nearly every day-while asking myself these questions.

...

We're you able to determine what you or 'T' would want to do with their lives? Or at least have an idea?

...

Now if it's a little fuzzy it's okay. If it's completely undetermined or 'I don't know' That's okay.

...

Now two whatchamacallits above this one, is if your certain, One up is if your uncertain and this is for people like me... Who see nothing.

Just blank

When my teachers ask me what I want to do, my mind just turns into a blank sheet of paper waiting to be filled and have a purpose... Truthfully... only to be thrown away when I no longer have any need or use for the things that could've determined my future.

When I'm asked what do I wish to live for, I get scared.

Because, I only have friends that are dwindling to nothing. And nothing's going to abandon me too, I can count on it.

And I have a broken family, struggling. Only half a parent- who does all she can but breaks down in front of me, crumbling to peices when she's feeling like she's done for real.

I have cousins in distant care, half housed and paralyzed. Suicidal and filled to the brink of abandonment not knowing what 'Love' is. Another one, her mind is twisted, I'm trying to be attentive, pay attention but grief is gripping me, I have have a long list of deaths. All of them close to me. Unfortunately, it's only getting longer while my sanity is getting smaller and I'm breaking down inside, trying to do things right. Somehow I only get them wrong.

All my sisters fatherless, and my Big brother? I never met his daddy. My little brother? Lacking the essential, father figure. My baby brothers? Growing up with someone els they can see as "daddy" because they were just 1, when the real daddy died, which is sad. Because that man was always their, up until that moment when his car crashed. Now they're two, just a month until their fathers anniversary and to be honest, they never even really met him.

No memories will be withheld, wait, fid I mention? I have a sister? Not the ones I'm mentioned but the one I never met, 7 years old and I never saw her face, I can't remember her name-let me tell you my daddy saw her rarely, possibly once but that was it, because he was treated unfairly.

He made alot of mistakes, never finished highschool, but when it came down to it, he was always their for my school, I am his eldest offspring with the most memories, and it's sad because it hasn't been a year and I'm already forgetting what he smelled like.

Now back to me, why I'm having trouble I don't even know. I have a lot of problems but it could still get worse, my mother's getting me  therapy, I don't know if she could pay for it, because even now we're struggling to eat and even live here, I'm through. My outlook, gone years ago and the only thing replacing it was raging, crazy, hectically fire devouring my own positivity, now it's left only death and smoking ruin.

Friends, dwindling as I said before, I'm not even sure if I could care about them anymore. I know all I'm doing is dragging them down with me, and my mother thinks that they are hurt because I cut them loose, but the pain in the eyes suggests-what the heck am I supposed to do? I had to give most up because I saw what I was doing to them, torturing, painfully now one can't look at me, my main boy, my best friend I hurt him deeply, but I knew he needed someone better than me. Some old friends welcome me, and I keep them just in  case I just need someone to hold me. I can still say it can get worse.

Just because I lost my life a long time ago, I know I'm dancing with the devil, waiting for my first time alone. I can't even say I've been to hell and back, all I know is, next time, to keep keep a travel pack.

It's been a long ride and you ain't even heard half of it, been a long time since I could even travel it. My families down to half, true friends probably two, but it know this time around I might cut them loose. I don't know what to do if I start to ever loose and a trip and fall. Knowing that small amount of people weighing down may keep me down a bit and even cause me to loose, and stay down, knowing that pain has knocked me down. But I'll still be their, struggling for breath I don't need, because one day- a punch is going to be the end of me, finally.

Now it's been almost a thousand words and I've only described half of it, but it doesn't even matter because some things are left to be forgotten. Some things are sacred, some are even secrets like these were but I had to get them off my chest or I'd end up breaking down in school unable to pick up the pieces, running around like fragments of little monsters, only out to get me. The rest- you don't need to know, and sadly even 2 of my cousins will see this though, but they probably won't talk about it or I'd start to choke because they'd be stuffing pointed needles by the fist, down my throat.

Now, no one experiences the instances as I do, lots of people been through worse or never even tried to. But those are a couple reasons I can't even see my future, hanging high and dry, just waiting for a new view, but I'm not. I'm just fine with this one even though I'm hurt I've only been through this a long time. It became me, it is me, nothing else will change me. If they do I might as well never be called me again.

The reason I said this is because, I don't see myself past what I'd doing now. What's my future? I don't see one. So it gets awkwardly quiet when someone asks me what I want to do, I lie and substitute one of my intrests. Writing- even though I'm not that good. Dome type of artist? Not too good at that, it seems I am no good at what I love. Oh here's one- Something ro do with Psychology, but can I? I'm pretty sure someone could get a psychologist for me and they'd see that I'm two steps close to becoming a psycho serial killer (that was a joke of course - a lame one)

Anyway. I can't see anything for my future. What can others see for theirs?