(continuation)
"Hindi kaya ako brokenhearted or anything."
I saw Rhian's eyebrows furrow "Okay, if you're not like that or anything then why are you so serious all of a sudden? She wonders. I didn't answer her. "Hmmn, ganito na lang. Siguro naman masasagot mo na 'ko kung para kanino 'tong ginawa mo?"
I literally stopped.
"Uyy, para kanino 'to? 'Wag ka ng mahiya diyan..." She taps my shoulder to convince me to spill it out. "C'mon, Glaiza. I won't tell anyone. I promise" raising her hand as a sign of a promise
I sighed deeply. Oh God, this is not the right time or place to say this to you. Fuck. I don't know if I should answer her or just leave her hanging.
I close my eyes. Thinking, should I tell her now or deny it. It's the best thing to do. Yeah, dapat ko ngang i-deny na hindi para sa kanya 'to. I could use another person. Yes. That's it.
I exhale. "Okay. Sige ganito kasi yan... uhm ano kasi.. Hindi naman talaga ko broken or anything kaya ko nasulat yan." I scratched my eyebrow while talking. "Bigla-bigla lang talagang dumarating yung time na inspire kang magsulat. Kaya ayan." I smile at her.
"Talaga? Pero parang may iba e. Parang may pinagdadaanan ka e. Ayaw mo lang sabihin." She said back but she didn't buy my answer.
Then I found myself talking again, "Okay para tumigil ka na, alam ko naman hindi mo ka tatantanan eh."
"Actually, there's this one person that makes me smile, happy every day. That person keeps my mind busy whether nasa paligid ko lang siya or wala. Small things really means a lot to you, small talk, and little conversation over the phone whether call or massages. When I'm with this person I found my heart beats fast, yung gusto ng kumawala ng puso mo sa sobrang bilis." I pull my lips back to form a smile. "I don't know, siguro nga in-love ako. Yung tipong gusto mong patigilin yung oras para mas matagal mo siyang makasama. Yung mga ganyang moment. Yung magahapon na kayong magkasama at magkausap pero hindi ka man lang nabo-broing. This person makes my heart really, really happy and afraid.
"Because of my fear. Fear of telling what I really feel. Telling this truth might ruin everything we build. Natatakot ako na ito ung magiging dahilan ng pagkasira ng friendship namin. Natatakot akong ma-reject. I'm afraid and it kills me. This cowardice inside me also kills me. I don't know. This song and my guitar, I found this as my escape and it eases everything that blocks my mind. It keeps me in peace even for a moment. That's why I wrote this," holding the paper. "With this, it could lessen the fear, pain I guess that hides inside me." I feel the tears that had been eagerly to shed.
She came to me and gives me a warm hug. She occasionally taps my back. Her hug was very comforting. I feel relieve with her touch. She pull back and look to my eyes "So who's this 'person' you're talking about?" I shake my head. She raised her eyebrows.
"Can we leave her alone? Change topic na tayo."
"Wait. Wait. Wait. Did I hear it right, you said 'her'? You mean a girl? She? Female? As in BABAE?" I could hear her voice in a high pitch. I can tell that she's shock. That she can't believe in what I just told her.
"Yes. BABAE siya." I am so fucking nervous right now. I'm even having cold sweat.
"So, who's that girl huh? Mas maganda ba siya sa'kin ha?" I nod.
She frowns. "Mas breezy kesa sa'kin?" " Yes. I mean no. Yes." I said confusingly avoiding her gaze. Shit. I can't hold it anymore... it's all or nothing.
"I mean, she is beautiful as you, breezy as you. Cool as you. Because the girl I'm talking about... she was... you. She was you, Rhian." I walk away from the couch until I found myself at the edge of the table. I turn around to face her, she's still sitting in the couch "Ikaw ang tinutukoy sa kantang yan. Ikaw yung kinakatakutan kong mawala. Na any moment mawala yung friendship natin, na layuan mo ko kapag nalaman mo yung feelings ko para sa'yo at kung ano ang pagkatao ko." Yung kaninang masayang ambience sa loob ng bahay biglang dumilim at nagging mabigat.
"Rhi, hindi ko naman ginusto 'to e. I swear to God, sinubukan ko namang pigilin." I was silent for a moment. We are silent for a moment. No one dare to speak. No one dare to move. No one dare to breathe.
Hindi ko na kayang tagalan pa so I break the silence, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry kung hindi ko napigilan ang sarili kong mahulog sa'yo." Tears are starting to form in my eyes. "I never felt this way before. I never felt this kind of happiness. Yung kasiyahan na sayo ko lang natagpuan, lalo na sa tuwing magkasama tayong dalawa. But believe me, I try my best na pigilan 'tong nararamdaman ko. I tried dahil alam ko naman mali. Patawarin mo ko kasi mahal kita." I bow my head because I can't look at her.
But this feeling is so strong, so I lift my head and look into her eyes. "Mahal kita Rhian."
I saw her move. She took a step backward. "This is insane. Tell me, nag-jo-joke ka lang 'di ba? Na nag-ti-trip ka lang." She said unbelievably.
I was hurt when I heard her saying that I was just joking. That everything was a joke, that I am insane. Maybe, I was insane, for being in-love.
"No Rhi, totoo lahat ng mga sinabi ko sa'yo. Ikaw yung tinutukoy sa kanta na ayaw kong mawala once na malaman mo kung anong nararamdaman ko. I'm not asking you to feel the same way naman e. I just wanted you to know." She stands up and grabs her bag.
"Naguguluhan na ako. Gulong-gulo sa mga narinig ko mula sa'yo. I heard enough Glaiz. I can't take this anymore. I can't take the next words you will say please, hayaan mo na akong umalis. And please, itigil mo na yang nararamdaman mo para sa'kin dahil walang patutunguhan yan. Masasaktan ka lang."
"Wait! 'Wag ka munang umalis. Saglit lang..." I grabbed her wrist before she could make a step. I look at her eyes, pleading. "...please just lis-"
"No!Just to remind you Glaiza, may boyfriend ako and I love him." She cuts me right before I could finish. She looks at my hand then back at me, raising her eyebrows "Please, I... I need to go. Bye."
Emphasizing to the word 'please' I became helpless. I loosen my grip as she pull her hand and walk away. The only thing I could do is watch her leave and hear the banging of the door. I want to follow her but I can't move. I feel paralyzed. My feet were like nailed on the floor. My eyes still glued into the door.
"May boyfriend na ko and I love him"
"May boyfriend na ko and I love him"
"May boyfriend na ko and I love him"
"May boyfriend na ko and I love him" paulit-ulit na naglalaro sa utak ko na parang sirang plaka.
Wala na Glaiza, sira na.
Tears start to crawl down fast. I put my hand on my forehead while the other is on my chest. My heart can't stand the pain anymore. I screamed. I scream my lungs out. I cried like a little girl who lost her candy. My knees became weak that it made me sit in the floor. "FUCK!" I brush my hair and pulling it as the same time. "Ang tanga, tanga ko! Fuck!" I kept on yelling these phrases as loud as I can.
I don't know how long did I gazed onto nothing. I don't know how long I cried. I didn't even know how I found myself lying in my bed, crying.
