Loving Him (Ashton Irwin a.u.)

Chapter 22

I'm not upset that you lied to me,
I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.

-- Friedrich Nietzsche, 2013

It was strange for me to go back to my normal daily routine without Ashton around. While I was away I had been hoping returning to the routine would seem like the whole thing with Ashton never happened, but I didn't. It couldn't. Everything I saw in my apartment reminded me of him and how we weren't together all the time by this point.

In my living room I remembered countless cuddles and kisses exchanged, and the first night we were together - our second date.

In my kitchen I remembered the breakfasts we cooked for each other every time he stayed the night. The time we made out on the counter while we waited for our popcorn to cook.

In my bedroom I remembered making love, sharing secrets, sharing time, hours upon hours of togetherness.

In the hallway I remembered every time we held hands as we left the house to go on a date or to the park or out with our friends. I remembered the times we returned from these mini adventures, sometimes dripping wet from venturing out without an umbrella, sometimes clammy with sweat from overdressing in the summer heat.

There were memories woven into every corner of every room of my apartment that somehow involved Ashton and it clouded my thoughts as I tried to figure things out for myself. Kia was home, so we hung out a little, watching some films and catching up. It struck me that afternoon that we hadn't spent as much time together as we used to since I started dating Ashton, so we remedied that with a girls day.

"Ok, I don't wanna be intrusive on your love life," Kia said as she carefully painted my toe nails, "but seriously, what could Ashton have done that's made you avoid him this much? You two were inseparable up until a week ago."

Refraining from replying with, 'About a week ago, a week ago,' I shook my head and told her, "It's complicated."

"I love complicated," she replied with an encouraging smile.

Eventually I told her, leaving out no details, and it felt uplifting to get this all off my chest. I told her how I met Aiden, how I grew close to Aiden, and to Ashton, and how I ended up finding out the two had a different relationship to what I thought. Having somebody else know my side of the story, my side of the situation, was comforting, because I wasn't figuring things out alone anymore.

"That's a little dramatic," she commented when I finally finished.

"Tell me about it," I said as I kicked my feet up onto the coffee table.

"Careful!" she scorned as she moved her glass of red wine out the way. "Ok, so why don't we let this dry and then go for a walk? We've done nothing all day."

Kia was annoyingly obsessed with fitness and getting fresh air every day, and whenever she "suggested" going for a walk she was really insisting and there was no way out of it. I nodded and we watched to the end of the film we had been talking over before pulling some shoes and socks on and heading out the door.

Summer may have been ending but it was still warm, so we headed to Starbucks and got some fresh drinks to take with us on our walk. The evening air was crisp as if it were HD quality. The setting sun shone as dappled fairy light between the balding tree branches, gently and softly illuminating the Australian suburb. To romanticise evening was to watch the sun set from this moment in space and time and describe it perfectly. Here it was perfectly normal for the evening to be so beautiful, but anywhere else in the world would call this moment right now a miracle. Though I was used to the sight I couldn't help but agree. Evenings in Sydney especially were magnificent.