Loving Him (Ashton Irwin a.u.)

Chapter 29

Falling in love is a crazy thing. I've done it before and I'm sure I'll do it again. It's so easy to fall in love - your body does it for you.

20% of unprotected sex results in women falling pregnant. 20% of women who fall pregnant lose their baby within the first twelve weeks of pregnancy. While miscarriage is unlikely, I was part of the 1 in 5 women to lose their baby.

"Peter, I know it's late, but I need your help."

"Can't Saskia help you?" he asked groggily. "Babe, it's three in the morning."

"Peter, there's blood everywhere," I told him, my voice shaky from my crying. I sniffled and continued. "It's coming from me." I could hear Saskia running around the house calling for an ambulance and collecting some of my things for me to take to the hospital.

"Wait - what?" he called down the phone. "Were you stabbed? Did you fall? Are you OK?"

"I'm fine, Peter, but I don't think the baby is."

There was a moment of silence in which I could hear him moving around quickly before he said assertively, "I'll meet you at the hospital."

Peter was there to hold my hand as the doctor delivered the prognosis.

"Are you the father?" he asked Peter as he entered the room with his stethoscope draped around his neck and a clipboard in his hand, his eyebrow raised. Peter shook his head vigorously until the doctor looked between the two of us, shrugged his shoulders and continued talking. My world froze as the words "you miscarried" left his lips, and I saw Peter's head drop to rest on my shoulder. His grip on my hands tightened as he gave me an affectionate squeeze, but I tore one of mine away to cover my gaping mouth. A sob escaped my mouth as I fell into Peter's side, my tears dampening my cheeks and his T-shirt. He held me tightly, clasping me to his chest so nobody could steal me away, and we cried together.

I had lost my baby, my final tie to Ashton, and Peter had lost his only real tie to me.

Of course, Peter and I were very close, but we hadn't exchanged our first I-love-you or had a real long-term relationship feeling yet. You know that feeling? When you just look at your partner and feel so calm and at home that you could just stay like that forever?

I don't know if I was in love with Peter at this point. I know I enjoyed spending time with him, and I loved how supportive he had been of my whole baby situation. He stepped up to fill the hole Ashton had left behind, but I know now that what was holding me back from showing him my full affections was the subconscious fear that my child would grow up closer to Peter than to Ashton. And for some reason I absolutely didn't want that.

One of the reasons I chose not to tell Ashton I had miscarried was that I was scared of him losing interest altogether. He texted me pretty much every day to apologise and check things were running smoothly, but although my heart still longed for him my head knew I couldn't forgive him. And that's why I lied.

From: Ashton
Baby doing ok? Tell them daddy loves them xxxxx

To: Ashton
Baby is ok.

It went back and forth like that for days on end, weeks, even. Sometimes Ashton would insist he needed to see Baby and talk to them so they would know his voice, but I always had an excuse. Did I feel bad for excluding him? Yes. Did he deserve my hostility? Absolutely. At least, that's what I thought. And that's what I kept telling Kia when she suggested I was being too harsh.

I was able to avoid Ashton until he finally showed up at my door.

"Hear me out, Kia, please," I heard coming from the doorway as I traipsed through my apartment with an empty mug hanging loosely from my fingers. "I know you asked me not to come here anymore, but it's my baby, too, and I need to just check on it. Please."