Losing Hope

10

That night I tried not to of anything, to just sleep. But I couldn't get the ache out of my heart, and I couldn't get his eyes out of my mind.

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Ever since the accident, I sat alone at lunch, on the top of the bleachers. It wasn't that no one else wanted to sit with me, it was just that know one else could take the place of Hope, now that she's gone, I guess I was more afraid of letting them try. Because I was afraid they would.

"Do you mind if I join you?" Some how Ayden had managed to sneak up on me. I shrugged. We sat in silence for a while.

I could tell that he was uncomfortable with the quiet, but I wasn't really ready to talk. We waited. Surprisingly it was me that broke the silence.

"I'm sorry for being so rude the first time we met" I said.

"No, it's my fault, I should have gotten the hint that you weren't in the mood to talk. You deserve to be like that after..., well, what you've been through"

I bit my lip. I really needed to stop crying every time someone brought up Hope. Both of us were sitting towards the field, but I could tell he was looking at me, even as I kept staring strait ahead.

I could feel the air move as he reached out to take my hand, then change his mind, a hairs breath away from my skin.

"it was my fault you know" I said, continuing to stare straight at the empty bleachers across the field. "We got in a fight and I knew she was drunk but I was still mad at her. She left and.." I trailed off a single tear rolling down my cheek. I hadn't told anyone the real truth until now. No one knew I was to blame for the death of Hope.

He puts his arm around me "it's not your fault" he reassures me.

"But if I hadn't have gotten mad at her-"

"No one can change the past Rochelle. Believing you could have changed what happened only makes it harder to live with yourself."

"But I could've changed it"

"You can only look ahead with the memories of what you left behind"

"But what if they hurt to much to bear? Then what do you do?"

"Look around you! It's not the end of the world! You still have a life in front of you. Do waste it holding on to the things you've left behind"

"But I can't"

"Stop saying that! You can let go. Just believe in yourself! You think this is what Hope wanted? For you to mope around crying the rest of your life because she had to leave?"

"No you stop it with your pretty words! You don't have any idea what it's like" I yelled. Stomping down the bleachers and off to the bathroom to wipe away my tears. I promised myself I wouldn't cry today.