Let Him Go

                                                           Chapter one

In every person's life there's a moment of weakness. When he looks up at the sky and see the stars and the moon shining bright, but its beauty fail to astonish him. It is when they doubt everything they believed in, including themselves. It's a moment of weakness that might crush you or make you stronger than you have ever been.

What form you come out of this crisis depends on things that are yet to be discovered. Is it the family or friends or even both? Is it a twinkling star that gets you your wish or a light breeze that carries your sad emotions with it and crush it into the ocean's deep waves?

In this moment of weakness, everything changes, but is for the better or worse?

It is when your favorite ice-cream no longer devours you.

It is when the smile you get from a stranger's face by a complete surprise doesn't make you smile back.

When your favorite television show has a happy event and you smile, but it is not all the way from your heart.

When your favorite song plays on shuffle, but you don’t sing along. And the goose bumps you always had whenever you heard the singer's voice, they just don’t come.

What do you do then?

Do you give up?

Do you go with the flow of life, listen to depressing songs and just keep doing what everyone thinks you are doing? Or come for a change.

Will this light breeze ever take the sadness away and never let it come back?

When the sad song ends, will your sadness end too?

Will the grief in not just your heart, but your whole body every go away?

Countless questions roaming through my head.

They have been for quite some time now. But they are just not answered and that is why they shall never go away. They are answer-less.

Everybody keeps saying, it will be okay. They hug you and tell you it is all going to be alright. But will it ever be back to normal again?

Can they guarantee that for sure? With all their heart?

I doubt it.

Staring at the road ahead of me, trees passing by like ghosts.

When I was young I used to think, that trees are dead people. And each and every tree says its own story.

My parents never argued with this fact and sometimes even, my dad would take me to the nearest tree and tell me a story, claiming it is this tree's.

Whenever I saw a tree, I loved carving a smiling face on it with any sharp object I held. I liked to think that a complete stranger can see it and smile, for the first time in day's maybe even years. I believed it could save someone's life.

But life is not so bright anymore. Especially not now, not with this fiasco is going on in my life.

My boy friend died, in the cruelest way ever. I never even got to say goodbye.  

He was the first love. I never knew he actually had cancer.

He never told me in hope that he would get better, but he never did.

Whenever he went to the hospital, he would claim he's going hiking with his uncle.

I never doubted it because I knew that that was his favorite thing to do next to playing the guitar.

He was perfect in every possible way.

Thinking of John bought the tears back. Even though I promised myself no more tears.

I was heading to a new town with my mother, only because Orlando brought back too many painful memories.

The hospital where my mother works is where he died.

The park right across the street from my house is where we used to play ever since we were ten.  

Even the mall's parking lot. It was the first time we ever met.

I was nine and he was ten. I was injured as I fell from my bike.

My mother went inside the mall again to get me a bandage.

And I was crying really hard, he came to me with a red flower in his hand and the first thing he ever said to me was, 'here, it matchs your bruise'

And I laughed. I laughed so hard and the tears just stopped.

When my mother finally came with the bandage he left. And two days later I saw him again in the park.

We've been best friends ever since.

When I knew he was gone, there was this hole in my heart.

I waited for days, months, a year for it to go away but it just never did.

I can't believe it has been one whole year since I have last seen him. His smile, his contagious laugh and that sparkling brown eyes of his.

I took his jacket, the one he always wore. And as if he knew I would, I found a letter addressed to me in its pockets.

It was accompanied with a picture of us. The first ever picture of us.

I never read the letter. Never have I ever had the guts to open it.

But, I always carried with me around, wherever I went. Because it just felt like I was carrying a small piece of him that is yet not discovered with me all the time.

And it felt good. Almost like he's still there. Just almost.

My mother tried her best to get me out of my depression state. But she failed.

I cannot deny the fact that she tried everything. From cooking me my favorite meals and getting me ice-cream all the time, to travelling with me to five different countries in a single year.

I have never been abroad till this year and it just never felt right. My mother never knew that John and I have planned our own world trip together. We even made our own scrap book with the places we would like to go together.

When we went to Paris, my favorite city in this whole wide world, and I finally got to see the Eiffel tower for real and not just behind the screen, I cried my eyes out.

I was all alone, it was Twilight, and my mother was in the hotel, tired from the flight.

The instant I lied eyes on it I remembered my conversation with John. He wanted to mix everything that I loved together in one picture.

So he told me, to imagine being under the Eiffel tower, with him getting down on one knee and proposing to me, with a huge diamond ring, with two tiny sapphires on either side of the diamond, at Twilight.

It was before he died with two days, and I never knew he would. And it was indeed our last conversation ever.

So when I was there, I cried like there was no tomorrow.