Let Him Go

Chapter Seventeen

Auhtor's note; Update finally! Incredibly sorry for the delay due to the  major block, i really hope you like this chapter. Please vote and comment with your thoughts positive/negative. Love you all and i apologize again!x 

I am feeling so numb, paralyzed with grief and…angry. I thought going on this trip is going to help me, some days it did. But today, not a chance.

Adam and I are not really speaking. Or let me rephrase it, Adam is trying to talk to me and I completely ignore him.

His behavior on the night before was horrible. But a sound in my mind just keeps whispering, John is not here anymore and whatever Adam said was true. But I don't want to admit it. I just don't want to believe and say it out loud yet and John is here. He's here with us all the time. Why is it so hard to believe by everyone else but myself?

What hurts the most was that, he didn’t even apologize for his cruel words. He doesn’t even acknowledge of the fact that he hurt me and this makes me so angry.

People hurt by just uttering simple words. They may not realize it, but they just do. Actually sometimes words hurt even more than actions. Simply because I am the kind of person which listens to a person's word by my heart. I let them in, and they crush me.

One of the many reasons that I haven’t applied to Literature University, is that I don’t believe in myself. I can't deny that I actually never did. My mother may tell me that my work is good and it needs to be published and John always told me, ' you deserve to be heard' but I just never believed in myself to believe them.

I lack self confidence, and John was my 'feel good about yourself' sort of machine. When I was with him I was never shy to say how I really felt and he knew the real me. The version of me that nobody else knows. Now that John is no longer living, I am numb.

As I was pretending to be asleep in the car, I thought about a lot of things. And with the passing thought, I get angrier and angrier. I just want to feel wanted, safe and confident. And right now, I feel nothing but anger and fear of the future.

One of the questions that kept roaming in my mind was; was it a coincidence that I have met Adam or was it somehow arranged? He came into my life when I was in such a fragile state, like it was so easy for him to reach me and yet hard to get through me. I never questioned how he got my number or my home address. Now it confused me so much and I was so eager to know how did he get these information about me.

'I'm sorry.' I found Adam finally saying.

'I know you're not asleep, and I'm sorry.' He continued.

'People should think before they speak Adam, that's why God gave them a brain, to think.'

'I know, I didn’t mean them, okay?'

'THEN WHY DID YOU SAY THEM?' I finally bursted. I just couldn't take it anymore. I can't hold it in anymore. I feel like a completely full balloon that needs to finally burst.

'I said I didn’t mean them!'

'And I say I don't care.'

We both then stayed silent. But I wasn't done. I wasn't finished. I needed to get it all out.

'Stop the car.' I suddenly muttered. I need fresh air, I need to hit something.

'What? We're on a high way.'

'I said, stop the car!'

He suddenly stopped the car and I got out as soon as he did. He followed my steps and approached me. I signaled to him to stay away. I just want to be by myself.

'Anne, I really am sorry for what I said.'

'You came into my life without any permission. You just started becoming a part of my life. You never even explained how you knew John. You never tell me anything about you and John together. you know everything about me Adam. WHO ARE YOU?'

I was shouting whilst crying hysterically. This isn’t right. I just don't know him! And.. and he just became a big part of my life.

I then started hitting him repeatedly on the chest until my hands just felt sore. I began sobbing hysterically. He took me into his embrace suddenly. And I felt calm.

'Shh, everything's going to be okay.'

'Says who Adam? Says who?' I said whilst hugging him and crying.

'I don’t know, but it is.'

'I just feel so lost without him Adam.'

We were at diner nearby. After I finally calmed down, we went back into the car and Adam took us to the nearest diner. I stayed silent throughout the ride and half the meal. But I just need to talk to someone.

'I feel like, like part of me has died when John did. And this part was essential for me to really live. For the past few months, I just ate, slept and breathed. I don’t feel human anymore and this thought exhausts me and haunts me whenever. I feel lost and I can’t do anything to stop this.'

'Would you like visiting John's grave? Talk with him privately. You never know, maybe he'll find a way to communicate with you.'

'Yes please, right after the next one.'

'Who is it again?'

'My father.'