All That's Left (The Walking Dead FanFiction)

Chapter 38

My heart still hurts.

It's been days since I saw it. Since I saw him with her. I didn't even really see anything happen between them, but I can feel that it's so much more than what I saw. I don't know if I should say anything to him. If I should ask him about Carol, or tell him that I kissed Jonah-more specifically that I kissed Jonah and enjoyed it.

My head is swimming with all the things I could do. My only problem is I don't know what to do.

Does the kiss mean I have feelings for Jonah? Was Daryl right all along that I could find someone better for me than him? Why was he talking to Carol like that? The ache in my heart makes me wish Glenn was here so I could talk to him. Things with him were easy.

The image of his death hits me like a cinder block. I want him here so badly it makes my stomach sick. I lay back down on my bed, staring at the ceiling. I imagine his laugh and realize that as days have passed, I've forgotten so much about him and the way he was.

Suddenly, I'm filled with anger. I'm angry at the world and how it takes away from me the people I love. Angry at Daryl for pushing me further and further from him. Angry at myself for kissing Jonah and liking it.

I haven't seen him since it happened two days ago. I'm honestly surprised he hasn't come looking for me to run more tests. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say to him. I'm drowning in my own thoughts. The anger fades and all I feel like doing is crying. I decide that I need to talk to Daryl. I need to see him. I need to ask him about Carol. I need to figure everything out. I can't live like this. I can't waste any more time.

It takes a lot of hunting around but I eventually find him outside on the other side of the fence, hunting. I call his name as I open the gate and catch up to him. Even with my two jackets on, I'm freezing. Every time I exhale I can see my breath.

He stands in front of me with his crossbow at his side. A black jacket hugs his broad shoulders. His eyes are a deep blue and he doesn't appear happy to see me.

"What do you want?" he asks.

I decide to go straight to the point. "Did you tell me to try to find someone else because you want to be with Carol?"

He remains silent.

My heart sinks.

"Tell me," I beg. "If that's the way it is just tell me. I can take it." That's a lie; I can't take it.

He looks past me, avoiding my eyes.

"Please say something!" I demand.

"No, I don't want Carol." He holds my gaze as he speaks and I know he's telling the truth.

"Then what're we doing?" I question. "Why are we wasting all this time when I know that I want you and you know that you want me? Why're we doing this?" My heart drums in my chest. I can feel that this moment is different. I can see it in his eyes that he wants me just as badly as I want him.

"I'm doing what I know is best," he huffs.

And then the moment's gone. He takes it right from me. Anger floods through my veins; my heart pumps it out like blood. It consumes me. "I'm done!" I scream. "I'm done waiting around for you. I'm done trying to make you want to be with me. I thought I could wait for you, but I can't do it anymore. It's self-torture and I can't do this to myself anymore." The words rush out of my mouth before I even realize what I'm saying.