I'm fine. Thanks.

8. Stacy

Jimmy is standing on his own, as usual. I walk up to him. I feel numb. Yesterday my mom called. My dad has jumped from a cliff. I feel empty. It's not like I loved him that much. He raped me and hurt me. The scars on my back come from him. But I don't blame him for anything. He just couldn't handle what had happened to Ian. I understand that. Even though it sounds weird. After all he was my father. And I still love him somewhere deep down inside. And I miss him. And I wish my mom could be here. She wouldn't be alone and we could just lean on to each other. I miss her to be honest. But I have to stay here and finish my school and find Ian if he's still alive. I can't go back home without him.

I didn't realize that I was just standing there and staring straight at Jimmy.

"Are you okay?" he asks sounding alarmed.

"Yeah ... yeah I'm fine. Just tired" I try to explain as fast as I can. Oh I wish I could bite off my tongue. That answer came out way to fast. He knows that something's wrong by now, stupid. He doesn't say a word. And I'm thankful that he doesn't push me.

"How do you feel about skipping?" he asks with a smirk on his face. I am forced to smile. He reaches out his hand and I grab it. Seconds later we have left the building running off to the unknown.

We end up on the roof of the same building we did when we skipped school on the very first day of school. I just sit there next to Jimmy, leaning my head on his shoulder and looking down at Toronto. The fall is on its way. You can smell it in the wind. You see it in the trees. The leaves weigh much too hard for them and they can't wait to let go of them.

"Do you want to know why?" Jimmy asks all of a sudden.

"Know what why?" I ask back, confused by his sudden way of asking and the question itself.

He looks to his feet. I can see that this is not easy for him. Although I still don't exactly know what's going on.

"Well..." he begins "I was wondering...umm...I was wondering if...if you would maybe want to know why I am...umm...this way..."

His voice cracks a bit and I pick up my head from his shoulder to look at his face. He looks nervous.

"Only if you really want to tell me" I say quietly trying to tell him that it's perfectly okay with me if we don't talk about it if it's too uncomfortable for him.

"I want you to know it. And I trust you" Jimmy answers.

That second sentence almost brings tears to my eyes. Ian always used to say. "You know I trust you Stace-bear, right?" I would always nod and then we would try a new crazy dancing stunt.

"Okay" I stay and now my voice almost breaks "then go ahead."

He nods and takes a deep breath. He turns his face to look over the skyline and then starts talking.

"Last year, almost exactly a year ago, my parents were in Atlanta for a vacation. Some sort of second honeymoon or so, I don't really know. They just went there to have some fun together like they had before I was born. Believe me, I was the most horrible son you can imagine."

I have to grin a bit at that last sentence.

"You see I was one of the popular kids and that way I went out late partying and I even threw one or two parties while my parents were gone. I smoked a lot of dust and I got drunk occasionally. Don't ask me how my parents survived that every day."

Okay this was new. Jimmy was popular? What happened? I mean now everyone seems to hate him. Although Evan and Ryan and a couple of others have started to talk to him again in recent times.

"Go on" I say, desperately wanting to know how this story continues.

"Well" he says and takes another deep breath "On the 21st of October last year my parent's plane was to fly back from Atlanta to Toronto... ". His voice breaks again.

"No!" It slips out of my mouth with a shocked sigh. Jimmy looks up. Tears are swimming in his eyes.

"You know about the crash?" he asks. On his face is an expression close to a mixture of surprise and sadness. I can only nod and then the tears start streaming my face too. It's the same machine Ian was on as well. But other than me, Jimmy's parents probably were found. I still have hope that my brother is still somewhere out there. He had to bury his own parents. At 15? That's not fair. You have to bury your dad as well, a voice in my head reminds me. Realizing that fact I have to cry even more.

Jimmy's arms wrap around me and I bury my head in his shoulder and we both start sobbing.

I don't know how long we sit there on that roof top just melting into one person using our tears as a glue to stick together. At some point the sun starts setting and we get up and go home. Still feeling numb, not saying a word we both just get into our cars and drive home and knowing we will not sleep tonight.

I feel bad about not telling Jimmy about Ian or my dad. I just don't feel ready. But still I feel so mean. Especially because he said he trusted me and I don't trust him back. Or at least not enough to tell him that Ian was on that same plane.

Frustrated I go into my bathroom, open the closet and take my blades out. I have a lot of them. Most aren't sharp anymore but I keep them anyways. Don't ask me why. I take off my shirt and grab one of the blades. It scratches silently over my belly. Blood drips down to the floor. I will have to clean it up when I'm done.

That night I have to force myself to stop so I don't bleed to death. After cutting I sit in front of the window in my living room and wait until the sun slowly starts to climb up the houses and skyscrapers.