I'm fine. Thanks.

9. Jimmy

I told her! I feel so relieved! I know there's a lot going on in her life and to be honest I'm a bit disappointed that she didn't open up to me. Something was clearly going on today. I just don't get why she keeps it all for herself. It's so much better to talk about it. I mean I feel some sort of peace. I feel understood. Although she probably hasn't been through anything similar. She didn't run away and I'm so grateful to have her in my life. But I just don't get why she won't open up. I mean I wouldn't run away for sure. And I bet I'll understand why she cuts. And why she's broken. You can't say that,a voice in my head tells me quietly, she'snot like you. You guys are not the same. Remember how much time it took you to talk about it? She might need a bit more of it. I sigh. Of course. I don't get why my brain just shuts down completely sometimes.

It'st he first night in forever that I can really sleep in again. Stacy appears in my dream. I can't remember what really happened, but I know she was there and that makes me somehow extremely comfortable.

I still don't want to get up for school but I have to. My uncle must have come home over night, there is a present on the table in the kitchen. It's a tiny carved elephant from India. I don't really know what to do with it so I decide to give it to Stacy later.

I get to school late. My phone is already blown up with messages from Stacy asking where I am and if I'm sick. The first period, math, has already started and I'm about ten minutes late. I mumble an apology to the teacher and go to my seat. Stacy already sitting at her desk.As soon as I am halfway settled she hands me a small note.

Why so late?

I think for a minute. Then reach down into my backpack and pull out the elephant. I turn the note around and write My uncle came back on the back of it. I hand both the note and the elephant over to her. She smiles after she's read the note and because our teacher already seems to grow impatient of me I decide to pretend to focus on the subject.

The day goes by fast. Stacy doesn't say much though. I realize that there are new scars on her wrists. I can't decide whether to ask her what's wrong or to just wait until she tells me herself.

By the time lunch comes around she hasn't said more than four or five sentences. I feel somehow worried about her but I decide to keep quiet a little longer. Maybe she reacts super sensitive. I don't want to loose her over something stupid like that. After all she is my best friend. All of a sudden I feel guilty on not treating her right. I mean she has done so much for me. And what did I do? Maybe I should take her out for dinner. Naah. That would be a date. Wouldn't it? I don't know. Maybe I even want a date. I had to stop that thought right there. What the heck was I even thinking?! I can't just ruin our friendship by developing a crush on her. It's just not right. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want it.

I shake my head and concentrate on lunch. It's horrible as usual. All of a sudden Ryan climbs up on one of the tables with a flower bouquet in his hand.

"Excuse me!", he shouts and almost immediately it's quiet, "As you all know, Prom is coming up. And I would like to take this moment to ask a very special girl if she wants to be my prom date." Almost every girl starts screaming in hopes she's the lucky one. Ryan smiles and then goes on. "So Stacy, would you be my date to prom?"Stacy's head shoots up as she stares in blank surprise up to Ryan who is standing on the table, holding the flower bouquet towards her and smiling down at her. I feel like I have to throw up. She's not going to say yes is she? I desperately stare at her just like the rest of the entire school. Except that I hope for a no. "Umm", Stacy still seems very confused. "I don't know, really" Phew. At least not a yes.

Ryan keeps on smiling. "Take your time to think about it", he says. She turns her head to look at me. I don't really know what to do. I mean I can't tell her how to decide. That would be straight down rude. So I just shrug and still hope she'll say no. I actually didn't plan ongoing to prom. But I would. With Stacy. That means if I ever get enough courage to be a man and tell her. I clinch my eyes together as I her Stacy taking a deep breath. Pleas,please, please say no.

"Sure I'll go with you if you can't find another date" NOOOO!!!

Ryan's smile grows even bigger as he steps down from the table and hands Stacy the flowers. Everyone starts clapping. I wish I was somewhere else. I wish I would have stayed home. I wish I never opened up to Stacy. I feel betrayed. She said yes even though she knows what Ryan did. In all the noise and all the people gathering around Stacy and Ryan, I take the lunch I almost didn't touch, throw it away and decide to skip the rest of the lessons for today.

I get in my car and drive out to the cemetery. I know the way to the grave of my parents with closed eyes. I sit down in the grass and just start talking. I tell them everything.I don't know why. I mean they can't even hear me but right now it makes me feel better just to know that they lie here. Fast asleep dreaming of a better world. I don't realize that I'm crying until a tear drops out of my eye and falls down on my hand. I don't try to fight them back. I just let them run down my cheeks as I silently sit there and watch the sun shining on the flowers that grow on the graves.

Driving home my mos favorite song is stuck in my head. I haven't heard it in ages but I as soon as possible I pull over and pull my phone out to listen to it. It's boosted up with missed calls and messages from Stacy. I ignore them and search through my music for "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin. I put it on repeat and connect my phone to the car's radio.

By the time I come home I'm a wreck. I'm not even able to get out of the car. My uncle must have heard me pulling on to the parking spot. He comes walking out of the house and opens the drivers door.

"Come on, kid", he says and for once I'm not mad at him for calling me that. He reaches over and pulls the key out of the lock, grabs my phone and unbuckles my seat belt. I feel small. Like a little kid.And I have the feeling it's okay. For now it's just okay. He helps me to get out of the car and in to the house. I feel sick. I go to my room and lay down in bed. Even though I can't really sleep I'm too lazy to stand back up again so I just lie there and do nothing at all. My uncle brings me some food and leaves again. I don't touch it. My thoughts are killing me. I feel lonely. I know I have no reason to be mad at Stacy and I should really wish for her to have a nice prom. After all she can do what she wants to. I know I have no reason to be mad at the pilot who flew the plane on which my parents were. It wasn't his fault the plane crashed. There was something in the system or whatever. The machine was broken and nobody noticed it. I know I have no reason to be mad at my parents for leaving me hanging in the middle of my teenage years. It's selfish. I feel like this is the time I would need them the most even though I didn't want to talk with them about anything when they were still there. The funny thing is that I miss them now that they're gone. Just like a sentence I once read: "The only time saying Goodbye is painful, is when you know you will never say hello again"