I'm fine. Thanks.

3. Jimmy

I lay in bed and think about the day. I skipped class. It's not the first time that I did that but it sure is the first time the teacher really knew what was going on and it was with another person. Stacy. With just a single look at her I can tell that she's been trough a lot. A lot of crap. And some of this crap caused her to move to Toronto. I can't believe she did that for me. Why? I mean what is the point in doing it anyways. I don't get it. Why would she help someone like me in the first place. Why would she want to be around me? She probably wants to everyone else to see that she is some kind of hero or something. She is, I mean she saved you from that stupid class, I remind myself. "Oh shut up.", I say loudly to the voice in my head.

I haven't cut myself today. I usually do that at the moment I'm home from school. But today it's different. I have so much to think about. I start to have a bad conscience about not cutting. My depression has gone so far, that I feel guilty when I'm having a good time. I walk around the house. It's not the one i used to live in with my parents. It's my uncles. After the accident I was put in his care. I was 16 years old at that point and now, one year later I still don't get why the government didn't just let me live on my own. I mean I can take care of myself and my uncles traveling around the world basically all the time so I am already doing it. So why don't leave me in our house in the first place. I think some psychologist said that it wasn't a good idea because of all the memories that apparently lived in it. As if they would be gone when they force me to live with my fathers brother who never is around anyways. I mean, I totally get it. I would be off and gone if I could. I totally understand the fact that he doesn't want to stay in a single place for too long. I mean who would want that. I wonder how Stacy felt when she traveled here. Knock it off!, I warn myself. Why can't I just quit thinking about her?

The next morning I get up and feel guilty on the one hand because I haven't cut (I will have to do that tonight) and on the other side feeling not so bad going to school. Just admit it, the voice in my head mocked, you want to see her again. Once again I told it to shut up and left the house for the bus. My car was still being repaired which seriously sucked. It just broke down on the middle of the road and I hope I don't have to buy a new one. So I have to take the bus full of sweaty freshmen students who are all super excited with high school. I can't remember ever being so enthusiastic with school. But then again it doesn't matter so I block the thought out. Ugh. Shouldn't have done it. Now my thoughts are back to Stacy. I wonder what she will be looking like today. Will we skip a class again? I frown and turn my music up a little louder so I can concentrate on the lyrics of the Nirvana song I'm listening to. As you might have guessed it doesn't work. I get angrier and angrier with myself. What is this stupid girl doing with me? I need to block her out. I don't need anybody. For nothing. She shouldn't have stood up for me yesterday. I'm just going to ignore her today. She is not good for me. She deserves a normal high school year without some weirdo who will only pull her down. But you know she's been through stuff as well, the voice in my head reminds me. Yeah sure, but she hasn't lost her parents. She has no idea how I feel. Nobody has.

I get off the bus and make my way towards the school entrance. Today there is no pushing or punching or kicking or laughing. Gosh what's wrong with them? Do they have a new punching ball? I make my way to my first period. Art. The only subject where I can block the rest of the world out and concentrate on what I'm doing. Plus there are only about 9 students in that class so I don't have to put up with so many people. Luckily Stacy has photography now. I don't have to speak to her yet. For her it's still not to late to make friends with the normal kids. Although after what she did yesterday in music class might have set her off from being with the popular chicks. But she'll be better off with normal human beings. I only hurt the people around me.

With a sigh I pick out a new canvas, turn my music up and start painting. I don't exactly know what it's going to be in the end but I just brush over the canvas in all kind of colors. At the end of the period I realize I painted Stacy. In all primary colors. I wish I could change it but the class is over and I have to leave the picture like it is. Mrs Craig looks at it and praises it in the highest tones. I simply shrug at her words, sigh once more and lay the picture out in the second room to dry.
I walk up to my locker only to find that Stacy is standing at the one next to it. Dang it! I totally forgot that our lockers were next to each other. I curse silently in my head and keep my head down so she won't talk to me. Clever Jimmy, the voice in my head mocks and I sigh once again. This girl has got more sighing out of me than out of an actress at a funeral. Without saying a word I unlock the door to my locker and take out the books for English. Of course she noticed me. But despite my fears she doesn't say a single word. On the one hand I'm happy she doesn't but on the other hand I am confused. Has she found new friends? I feel a pinch in my stomach. Wow, I tell myself, calm it down. You are not wanting her to stay. After all she deserves better, remember? Yeah honestly. What the heck was I even thinking? I turn my head to look at her and as she recognizes me she gives me nod and continues putting her books into her locker. Okay now something is completely wrong. Where is her smile? What does it bother you?, the voice in my head asks, she's not dumb you know? She saw that you don't want to talk to her. She'll find someone else to smile for. No. Something is clearly wrong. I look at her again. "Hey", I say quietly. I am surprised that she even heard it. She looks up and gives me a weak smile. "Hey", she replies. With all the good I have still stuck deep down with in me I try to fix a smile and give it to her but I completely fail. I probably look like Mrs Boyken when she is disappointing but still tries to smile. I could wack myself in the face. Why did I even try? She smiles back but somehow she seems sad. "Are you okay?", I ask.