...Hauntings..

...Dreams...

A page from my own diary New Delhi, India (2010)

"Wake up don't you have to study"

My mom was screaming, my class 12th exams were around the corner and I really did not wish to study. Indian kids align their expectation with those of their parents, I had done a similar mistake by choosing science, and my performance was going down and down and down.

"I don't even want to tell you anything, study if you have to study, fail if you have to fail"

I got up from the bed slowly and walked to the washroom. Fulfilled the daily requirements of cleaning myself up and grumpily came and sat on my study table. I opened the chemistry book and the length of the periodic table horrified me. I wanted to die. Break and fall on that very site. I wanted to scream out that I want to be a writer but to no avail.

I started reading, mind; diverted, soul; scarred, memories; lost. When you are stuck in a scenario like this there is no way of escape. On one side the expectation of the family on the other your own head. Sometimes cutting off your own head feels like the easier and safer option. It is actually a virtual suicide. You are already dead you have killed your aspirations and dreams and all that is left is a body that has learnt to digest commands like a robot.

"Nothing is going to happen by keeping a book open in the front, write something"

Her screams were getting louder sharper and more painful by the day. My family had left no stone unturned in letting me know that I was a nincompoop and I would not be able to carry their family name of scholar's teacher's and doctors.

School was very boring too; I was not really one of the most handsome guys. I was fat, I wore glasses and I oiled my hair. The sexy hot down skirt girls would be mingling with the studs and the studious ones would not mingle at all, so no way of letting the frustration rest too, sex, was out of the question.

I had one friend though, not really a friend id say more of an acquaintance. He had been suspended numerous of times for smoking up and carrying hash. I liked his presence; he would get high and theorize on the people of the world and politics and how shitty life was and I would lose my frustration in my bursts of laughter.

He knew I was living like a dead man. While I was busy laughing at his theories he was busy pulling something out of his bag. After a short pause he handed me a bottle. "Take this, have a pill before sleeping, its magic, I made them myself of empty capsule shavings". I suddenly stopped laughing and got serious "no, no, no... I am not getting into drugs my friend" I said pushing the bottle away.

"Trust me this is not drugs its perfectly herbal, besides, I cannot be caught with it or this time I am rusticated, keep it with you, have if you wish to or flush them down your toilet". He was staring at me, looking for an answer don't know why but I agreed to this stupidity. No teacher would check my bag, they knew I was as docile as an earth worm. The bottle was in my bag the whole day all through my tuitions over dinner and till I was back in my room.

It was now calmly sitting on my bedside table staring at me and I was very conveniently staring back at it. The urge to taste the unknown was overpowering the sense of rationality slowly. I extended my hand and caught hold of the bottle. I opened the screw cap and looked inside

Inside was a score of blue pills, looking harmless just lying there. My mind went from telling me "don't have one" to telling me "one does not hurt". Finally chaos overpowered rationality and my mind said, "Anyway you have to sleep, lets go forth and try one, what is the worst that could happen". Impulse over powered reasoning. My swift fingers reached out for a pill from the bottle and placed it on my tongue, the other hand reacted immediately by picking up a glass of water nearby and putting it down my throat. The throat too replied by swallowing the pill.