Dreaming Big

Chapter 5: 'Home'

Carson's POV

"Home?" I asked, the uncertainty laced in my voice, "You hate your mom's home."  "Well I know that," I stifle a laugh as she rolls her eyes, "But techincally it's not my home, so this is more like breaking and entering."  She never seems to make her words as clear as her thoughts, "Ava you just called it home."  She looks at me, "Home is where the heart is and mine certainly isn't there."

Where is your heart Ava?  Is it here with me?  Is it with someone else?  Or is it lost like it used to be?  I wanted to ask her oh so badly, if only to hear the answer.  I didn't want there to be someone else that she counted on like she did on me.  Lottie was an exception, I didn't want to be her sister.  But I wanted to be the one she could count on to pick her up when she falls, the one who lends a shoulder when she cries.  That is if she would stop refusing to cry in front of me.  I wanted to be the one that she missed when she was far away, and the one that she called when she needed me there with her.  She'd never know though.  I couldn't tell her.  Then I'd lose her forever.  How to you tell your best friend that?

"Why do you think I called you anyways?"  My head snaps up.  I knew she wouldn't believe what I hoped what the answer was, so I answered in a more practical way.  "You found a baby penguin on ice skates?"  She throws back her head and laughs.  I can't tell you how much I missed that laugh.  With it's contagious quality that makes it so you just can't help but to laugh along.  Wanna know something else?  I knew that it was her from the beginning.  But pretending that I didn't know it was her gave me an excuse to hold her in my arms, even just for a little while.  When I asked her to prove that it was her I expected a kick to the shins, a punch to the gut, a really bad joke, something along those lines.  I didn't expect her to sing.  Especially not that song.  I ment it when I sang, because I knew all along that she would be the one that I went to.  When I had a girlfriend and things weren't going well, I thought of Ava.  When I was single I would tell myself that this was the time I would finally tell her.  Then at the last minute I'd go out with another girl.  Let me tell you that it was a (insert swear word of choice here) move. 

I just couldn't tell her. I knew I should have bought her flowers.  I knew I should have held her hand.  I should have gave her all of my hours, whether I had the chance or not.  I wanted to tell her the song that I thought fit us even better.  But how could I we weren't dating?  And it was very obvious through that song that I wanted to.  How could I tell her without having her run for the hills?  Maybe it's better this way.  To suffer in silence, rather than to hurt her.  Anything was better than hurting her.  I'd just stay quiet.  She doesn't need a weight like that on her shoulders now.  I should have taken her to all of those parties 'cause I know that she loves to dance. My baby's not dancing with another man. She's not dancing with me. Now she just stays put.