Quest

Quest-Chapter One

Chapter One-

An introduction to the awful spoof that lies ahead

[WARNING! THIS STORY IS SATIRE, CYNICAL, OFFENSIVE AND, OCCASIONALLY, SURPRISINGLY APATHETIC. IT IS ALSO QUITE STUPID. READ ON AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION]

Armed only with a toothbrush and my supposed dignity, I set out towards the motivation that was my "captured princess". Clichéd and traumatic would be the road ahead, but my mission would not be in vain. As we all know, a toothbrush is the most powerful tool for an adventurer. Not only will it save you from plaque build-up, it will massively increase your charm levels, allowing you to slip past the swooning girls that will gather in pools around you. You can also jab people in the eye with it. Oh, the uses, the many, many uses.

As you also probably won't know, this is not really much of a quest. The following explanation will completely ruin potential character development and clever plot twists, but I don't care. In fact, I love ruining the "story" for my very few readers. So let's go. In the wise words of the twisted leader of our group of conspiracy theorists, "When robots take over the world, what is your priority as men?"

"To preserve the knowledge of humankind!" exclaimed smugly some smart-arse from the back of the room.

"Nope."

"To keep safe our families and friends before ourselves?" said the priest who joined us last year. He kept trying to tell us that ectoplasm and static shocks were all just "Messages" from "The Holy Spirit". I call blasphemy on that.

"No," said The Leader. "One last try, anyone?"

There were a lot of strange people in our merry band. There were Essex girls and discharged vietnam veterans thrown into the mix. For their own protection, I won't tell you their own names, but instead refer to them by their horrible, exaggerated stereotypes and preferred pseudonyms. There was Alec; Vicar; Essex; Dr. Toffee, a depressed, depraved clown; The Woman, who was a sadistic politician that had been banished from her party; The Vet-A Vietnam soldier who had been dishonourably discharged for a reason he told no one! We had The Twins, the silent, surly type that provided back-up and much needed scares on the battlefield. There was a washed up fan-fiction writer who was stuck posting "50 shades of Gray" parodies and stories about kids being stolen or something on Wattpad, and a Cthullu that came along for the ride. And last, least, and thoroughly disliked, there was me. Partial to a cup of Earl Grey and a good game of cricket (He lied) I was the sort of person who sat hunched up at his laptop for 8 hours a day playing MMOs and solving chess puzzles and crosswords online. So not much to me, really.

"Does it happen to be a Jack-In-The-Box that explodes killing millions of women and children?" Inquired Toffee.

"No again," said The Leader. "And I am not going to tell you myself."

"Damn..." Toffee muttered.

The Leader was an odd bolt, and the only American there, after the Vicar. He smoked, puffing narcotic fumes into our faces every half an hour, but was a genius when it came to doing what we all came here for. Finding answers. We all have our methods, our little tricks and our twisted reasons, but The Leader stretched these, and pumped them, and improved them through and through, then handed them back to us branded as his own. Through surfing the web and personal experience, The Leader hacked into government files in his spare time, from his shady little corner of the world. He kept himself to himself, but spun a web of contacts and destruction in his wake. We never saw his house, but we went out a lot to the Pub, as a team. He never drank though, just smoked. Apparently he only likes one method of killing himself at a time. So while we staggered back home, arm in arm, he retreated to do his ghastly work. I'm not painting a very nice picture of him, am I? But that's how we all are, really.

"This item," announced The Leader, "Is why you are all here. This item... Is your "Princess", if you will. Locked up in a tower far, far away, this item, my friends, is Answers."

Everyone looked up. Even The Twins seemed interested. The Leader smirked.

"And so it begins..."