Infinite. Indefinite.

1. Shuruaat•the Beginning

This isn't how it all began. It began differently. This is how I choose to begin though. So, I guess, in a way, this is how it starts.

I stop at a gas station. I've been running on fumes for a while. It's hard to find a gas station in the Mojave desert.

I put the money in and fill up the tank. The smell is intoxicating. I love it.

While I wait for the tank to fill up I see a guy pull up into the stall next to me. He's hot. Not in like a Ryan Gosling but more like a young Tony Goldwyn. It's nice to have a little eye candy for idle minds. I examine his thick, wavy hair. Man! It's like the hair in the shampoo commercials. It's sexy. And he's super tall. Maybe 6ft. Are there really people like that in real life? Of course there are. He doesn't have muscles but he's slender and looks firm. Like he can give a firm handshake. And firm other things.

I finish up and get back in the car. I roll down the windows and silently 'hasta la vista baby' the hot dude and drive away from the station.

I resume contemplating my existence. I had done a lot of self bashing on this particular trip. Mostly due to boredom. It would surprise you how quickly being alone can become banal. Or maybe it won't. I guess I should have known. Maybe I even did. Maybe I was just holding on to hope that it wouldn't.

I was on my way back from the Pacific Crest Trail. If I were to say "Worst Decision Of My Life", it would be a gross understatement.

When I started this year and made the Decision, I went to watch Wild. It left me feeling peculiarly hollow. If I was being completely and brutally honest with myself, I'd say I'd felt hollow all my life. After watching Wild though, I felt like I wasn't chronically hollow. I was the kind of hollow that could one day be filled. I'd already decided on doing something about my life, I thought "Why not do this?" 

I bought everything I would have needed. Everything. After watching Wild, I felt like I knew what hiking entailed. I made sure I got the right stove and gas and food and plenty of water. Made sure I only took the bare essentials. Bought the perfect boots. The right tent. Made sure I was mentally prepared for the sun, the walking, the cold. I went in with steel resolve. I wasn't going to back out. Not under any circumstance.

Two weeks in and I was a goner. My steel resolve melted in the brutal scorch. I thought I was going to walk until my boots were no more and feet were chafed raw. I thought I would sit under a blanket of starlight and silence and think about what I was going to do with my time and somehow find myself.

I guess there's nothing to find. Maybe I really am empty. Maybe there's nothing there to search for. Or maybe this isn't the way to find myself. Maybe I wasn't trying the right way. Maybe I should have meditated until my mind was as empty as my heart and filled it with things I wanted to find within myself. Maybe maybe maybe. Whatever.

I decided that smelling like my ex boss and burning like roast pig was not the way I wanted to spend my time.

I got off the trail, hitched a ride back to my motel, took a shower, ate real food, brainstormed a little, got my stuff and my car and got out of there.

I'm still not 2000% sure where I'm headed. I'm mostly just driving for the sake of it. I have a basic idea of what I want to do.

For now though, I'm broke as fuck. I ditched all the hiking equipment. When I got off the trail I found someone going into a convenience store and coerced them into buying my stuff from me. I'm not the most assertive person in the world, not even with myself, so I left that encounter with a sense of mourning, disappointment and $76. For merchandise at least worth $170. I need a break and fun and a nice (ish) place to sleep. I need excitement and good food. I need bright light and hustle-bustle and alcohol. And for all of this I need money.

So I'm headed to Las Vegas.

Like I said, I have a basic idea of what I want to do.