Infinite. Indefinite.

2. Hairat•Surprise

I walk out of the house with my suitcase. Lacey is screaming behind me. I hate this.

I put the last suitcase in the car. Something hits me in the head hard. I look down. It's a box. Just a small, square, velvet box. Bet you can guess what's in it. Proposed to Lacey two months ago. A knife stabs me in my chest.

"I hate you!" Lacey screams then falls on her knees sobbing and trembling like a lilting poignant note.The knife twists.

"I love you," I whisper as I pick the box up and get into the car. I drive out fast. So fast, in fact, that I hit the sidewalk. There are pins poking my retina causing my vision to get blurry. I press on my eye. Blurred vision while driving is reckless. Fatal even. It wouldn't matter. I'm already dying. I try to hold onto some semblance of sanity. I cannot die. Not today. Today's not the day I die. My parents. My love. No! No more!

I park outside my parents' house. I hesitate a little. Lacey might have told them about our break up. That would leave me with no choice but to live in my car. My parents will obviously take her side. But maybe she didn't. She probably is drunk and crying and hasn't thought of calling them. I almost wish she would call. I sigh and trudge up the stairs to the house with my backpack and knock on the door.

My mom opens the door and surprise registers on her face then glee. Guess I was right about Lacey being drunk.  The thought of my girl crying and drinking makes me feel like shit. I hope she doesn't go out. I hope she doesn't sleep with anyone. I broke up with her but I still love her. I broke up with her because I love. I'm a selfish bastard.

"Drew! Oh dear what are you doing here?" my mother pulls me into a big bear hug. I smile sadly. This reminds me of when I first outgrew her in junior high. She would pull me down to her level and hug me tightly. As I grew taller she stopped bothering since I complained a few many times about my back aching after her hugs. Now she just hugs my middle tightly and I hug her head.

"Can't a son move back in with his favorite parents?" I play for nonchalance.

"Move in?" a deep voice rumbles. My old man appeared in the doorway behind my mother. He has significantly less hair on his head. He isn't bald yet so I guess it's okay. "Drew? Hey kiddo!" my dad pulls me into a firm hug. He is almost as tall as me.

"Hey dad," I can feel the void that has been steadily growing inside of me burst open and start to bleed.

"What are you doing here boy?" my dad asks mirthily, his eyes crinkling at the sides.

I look down. "Can I come in?"

My mother's smile has been steadily getting smaller as she observes me, "of course dear!"

I nod and walk back to my car and pull one big suitcase from the trunk. I roll it up to the door ignoring the increasingly alarmed faces of my parents, "Don't worry about the bags, they're all very heavy," I walk up the staircase to the second floor landing passing photoframes of me and my friends and family that lined the yellow walls, the most recent one was of Lacey and I laughing on a sunny beach clutching each other. I go to my old room. It has been a couple of years since I've slept in it. The walls are still covered with posters and pictures and banners. I had a poster of a couple cars I liked when I was in high school. There are dozens of pictures of me and my friends from high school and some from college. There was one of me and one of my ex girlfriends. It was slightly inappropriate because she was lying seductively on top of me in a very skimpy, stringy swimsuit kissing me very passionately while my hands rested casually on her ass. I was a pompous ass back then. I still am I guess.

I gazed idly at my yale and princeton banners. My dad went to princeton and my mom went to yale. I knew from age 12 that I wanted to be a writer and go to either yale or princeton. I was accepted to neither. I went to Brown. I wonder how I managed that. That's yale and princeton's loss my mom used to tell anyone she could. She liked telling people about her son who goes to an ivy league school.

I had so many dreams. So many aspirations. So much I had to achieve. I wanted to write the best book ever written. I knew I couldn't ever achieve that goal. Not when there were books like Infinite Jest and Wuthering Heights and Captain Underpants out there but i'd have liked to die trying. There it is again. That word. The dictionary should just delete that word. Fuck that word.

I sigh and head back to my car to bring up the rest of my luggage ignoring the pictorial form of the love of my life and the very real form of my now very worried, hovering parents.

After I hear my parents considering calling Lacey to find out what happened that has me like this I disconnect all the telephones in the house and since I know that neither of my parents had cell phones I didn't have to worry about that. I couldn't let them call a probably very drunk, very foul mouthed Lacey. Not yet.

Dinner is a very quiet affair. After several attempts at conversation I just tell my parents I wasn't ready to talk about it. They grudgingly obliged.

I spend dinner thinking.

I hate even considering what i was going to do but I had no choice.

After dinner I wash dishes and shoo my parents away. They sit together on the sofa, my mother's hand in my dad's, their knees touching, my mother's head resting against my dad's chest. This sight was consoling. They had each other. Like I thought Lacey and I would have each other. My parents would support each other and they would support Lacey. Lacey.

I close my eyes. I leave the tap on. I don't want my parents walking in on me like this. Lacey. Tears start springing from my burning eyes. I can't  control my breathing. Lacey. I love you. I promise. I rake my fingers through my hair and feel wetness on my scalp. I look at my hand and see that I still have dirty dishwater on my hands. I wash my hands, wipe my tears so I could see and finish up the dishes. I hurry towards my room and "mom, dad i'm gonna go to bed" dies on my tongue as I see the picture of Lacey and I on the wall.

I take in a huge, ragged breath, tear the frame from the wall and stalk to my room. I slam the door and walk to the window, close it and walk into the en suite bathroom. I sit down on the covered toilet seat and stare at the picture of Lacey and me. We fit so perfectly. This time I don't stop the sobs that reverberate through my body. After a couple seconds I turn the faucet on to block out the sounds of my sobs.

It had to be tonight.