Infinite. Indefinite.

9. Rikt•Empty

"Another beer please."

The bartender looks at me with impassive eyes and passes me another beer. The low hum of people increases an octave and I turn around just in time to see a burly man cuff some dork.

The bartender curses and signals his partner to take over as he moves towards the altercation.

"Hey! Hey! None of that in my bar. Either control yourself or get out!" He gets in between the large offender and the tiny dweeb. The dweeb grabs the wrist of a girl I hadn't previously noticed and briskly walks out of the bar.

I shake my head. A fight over a girl. How typical. I've had my share of altercations over women. None of which have ended with me banged up badly and running away. But that was a different time. Some of those altercations were over other people's girlfriends.

"There's always a fight," bartender returns to his previous location behind the bar. "I can't even count how many of them were over women," he gestures to a sign above the bar in amusement, "that has barely worked."

I look up to see a large black and white sign which reads 'Keep your hands off other men's women. Thank you. The management' I let out a short laugh. "I wonder why."

The bartender looks at me with a small smile and shrugs.

We resume our non existent chat and quietly conduct our respective businesses. Mine is nursing my 4th beer. His is wiping down the counter top.

My mind is empty. I've been zoning out a lot lately. It's like time passes but I pause. Almost like a blackout, but not really like a blackout. I'm cognitive, but my mind is empty. Like my life. Like the rest of my body.

My 'session' is interrupted by sudden movement at my right elbow. I look to see a woman ordering a gin and tonic.

She's close enough to give my idle mind an escape from its solitude. I study her. She has dry brown hair pulled back in a loose ponytail, showing off her light brown face. She has a sharp nose and small but shapely lips. Her skin is mostly clear and smooth. I rest my head on my palm propped up by my elbow to study her more concertedly. I look down at her clothes and they're sensible but flattering. She's wearing jeans with loafers and a blouse. As my gaze looks back up, it pauses momentarily at her chest. It's been a while since I've checked out a woman. This one is pretty. Under any other circumstance, I would ask her for her number. But right now, I feel emptiness when I look at her. I don't feel a stir or a thud or anything really. I just feel empty. I wish I could feel something. But if I did, I know I wouldn't waste it on any other woman but Lacey.

I realise my gaze is still fixed to the woman's bosom. I look away, straighten myself and bring my bottle to my lips. As I chug, I hear her voice.

"What? Wasn't good enough for you?" I swallow my beer and look at her. I don't feel embarrassed or sorry or cocky. As per the new normal, I feel nothing.

The woman stares at me openly. Her eyebrows are raised and her gaze is challenging.

"I'm sorry," I'm not, "I was thinking and my gaze just..." I sigh and wave my hand at her in apology. I drop my head down on the counter, my arms clasped in my lap. I'm buzzed. Not nearly drunk enough but I'm tired so I guess I'd be able to get some sleep tonight.

"You okay?" I turn my head sideways and look up at the woman. She doesn't look mad or even accusing anymore. Her eyes have softened, there's confusion and pity in them, maybe some concern. Or maybe not. Who knows if 'reading eyes' is even a thing.

I nod and return my head back to its resting position.

"You don't look ok."

I sigh. I turn to look at at her again. "I'm not."