Valentine (troyler AU)

Chapter Forty-Two

i am back from the dead and im determined to write the last four chapters of this fanfic good god

Troye's pov

I'd never been the best at attending parties, and now that I was actually throwing one I wasn't entirely sure what to do. With a grumpy Tyler refusing to go to the store with me to buy supplies for the "stupid party he never even wanted", I had found myself at a grocery store with a makeshift list in hand, buying whatever I thought might be necessary. That included chips, baked goods, candy, soda, and alcohol, which I was obviously too young to buy. The task of obtaining beer was left up to Caspar and Joe, who for some reason said that they could handle it.

After leaving the store with bags of junk food in hand, I'd piled the crap into the back of my car and headed back home to set out all the dishes. It was annoying and tiresome to have to set up all by myself, but Tyler refused to come over early and help out, and I was starting to feel anxious about asking him to do anything lately. He seemed like he was actually mad (like mad mad) at me for ruining our 'coming out' the other day, and now whenever we spoke it was with over-enthusiasm on my part and a bored sounding tone on his.

It sent a pang through my heart to think about how we hadn't kissed since that day, nor had we cuddled or even held hands. It felt like he was distancing himself from me, and I was trying harder and harder not to let him go. Imagine a chasm, with Tyler on one side and myself on the other. While he was only leaning forward a little bit to touch my hand, I was leaning over a whole lot more, and if Tyler backed away, let go of my hand, I would inevitable fall. But if I backed away, Tyler would be safe on the other side, only needing to lean back slightly to eliminate the risk of falling.

I shook my head of my sad analogies and snaked my way through the strangers in my house. I don't know how the party got so big that I didn't even recognize everybody from school that was here, but it did. The snacks were long gone, and I definitely didn't buy enough of them, but that wasn't really anyone's biggest concern. They were more interested in the alcohol, which thankfully there was plenty of.

"Have you seen Tyler?" I asked Dan, who was standing against a wall and looking uncomfortable. I didn't blame him, if this wasn't my house and I didn't run the risk of having my parent's things destroyed, I'd probably be sneaking out the back door right this instant.

"Uh, I don't think so," Dan said quietly, which was hard to hear over the thrum of voices talking and shouting, and the muffled music playing around the house. I thought I remembered Dan saying something once, about how parties were his worst enemy or something, and how he could never make himself heard. I wasn't sure.

"Well where's Phil?" I questioned instead. If I wasn't looking for my own boyfriend I might as well be looking for his. He'd probably be more comfortable with Phil by his side, he always looked like he was anyway.

"Getting us drinks, I think," he answered, craning his neck over the sea of people to try and get a glimpse into the kitchen. Ah yes, the Room of Alcohol. 

I offered to wait with Dan until Phil got back, which Dan immediately accepted and look relieved about. It seemed like he felt really uncomfortable being alone while surrounded by others, but I couldn't blame him. It didn't take long before Phil returned, holding two red solo cups and a smile on his face.

"That line was so long!" Phil whined, before looking at me. "I really hope you don't want a drink, 'cause I'm not going back in there," he added.

"I'm good," I replied, and made my goodbye's to them as I continued on my search for Tyler. Although as I turned around and saw Dan whispering into Phil's ear, with Phil smiling at whatever Dan had just said, his tongue poking between his teeth, I didn't worry about Dan making himself heard anymore. Not as long as Phil was there, anyway.

"Hey guys! Seen Ty anywhere?" I asked Joe and Caspar, who for some reason were in the midsts of a piggy back ride. Joe's arms looked impossibly tight around Caspar's neck, who somehow wasn't dying of suffocation, and who's arms were wrapped around Joe's legs.

"Uh, maybe out back?" Caspar choked out (so he was affected by being strangled!), and I thanked him and was on my way.

"Hope you get some!" Joe called after me. He definitely needed to be cut off.

I finally found Tyler in the back yard. Most of the party was inside, standing in the living room and kitchen, and hopefully not having sex in the rooms upstairs. It was also spilling out over the lawn though, where people were standing around chatting, beers in hand. Tyler was away from all the other people, sitting on a small stone bench at the back of my yard. The area was dark, too far away from the house to be hit with the light spilling from the windows, and the only illumination came from the moon. Tyler looked solemn and scary in this light, and I almost didn't want to sit next to him. But that was crazy, and so I plopped myself down right beside him, and linked our hands together. He didn't pull his hand away, which was good, but he also didn't actively participate in the hand holding. Sometimes he would take our shared hands up to his mouth and kiss my knuckles, but not this time.

"I've been looking all over for you," I said finally, and Tyler nodded without saying anything. He was staring at the stars, which sadly weren't too bright. There was too much light pollution.

"I have my phone with me," he eventually answered, and a small sigh fell from my mouth. I hadn't thought of that.

"Troye, we need to talk."

I laughed. I actually laughed at those words, classic break up words. Tyler was amazing. He was funny and original and kind, and he did not use classic breaking up words! That just wasn't him! He was too fantastic, too prideful to use overused words on someone he loved. Or so I thought.

"I'm serious," he added, and the laughter died from mouth, like a muffled fire, and already I could feel my eyes welling up. Tyler couldn't back away now! Didn't he know that I'd fall? That I'm leaning so much farther than him?

"What?" I said finally, disbelieving. This wasn't happening.

"It's just, I'm tired of dating in secret Troye. I need someone who will make me feel loved and wanted. I need someone who is proud to be with me. Someone who thinks I'm the prize at the end of the race, not the horse that they're racing on. I love you so much, and I know you love me too, but it's not enough. I can't go on hiding my feelings for you. It makes me sick."

It was a speech, almost. Tyler prepared a speech, and I had no words in response. My mouth was dry, and though my head was reeling, and I was screaming at myself to say something! Nothing came out.

"I'm going home," he added, before leaning down and kissing me lightly (for the last time?!). His mouth was warm, and soft, and it reminded me of every kiss we'd shared. All those kisses in secret, hidden and shameful. It was like Tyler was relaying the history of our kisses to me with this one kiss, and I felt bad. I understood. No one should have to hide their love, especially not us!

"Tyler," I started, because yes! Now I understood! We didn't have to break up, and we didn't have to be a secret! I loved him and he loved me and why shouldn't everyone else know? We were perfect together, and everybody should have the chance to see that, to have that. And I do have it, so what was I hiding it for?

"I'm sorry," he said. And then he left. He walked right around my house and he drove away. I knew that this was supposed to feel like the end, we had just broken up after all, but it just felt like the very beginning. Already I was planning. Planning what I was going to do next, to win Tyler back. Already I knew what I needed to do tomorrow. As with anything extravagant, I needed the basics. I needed supplies.

a/n

happy endings on the horizon folks!

p.s. go to my tumblr jilliancares bc i write a lot of phan oneshots plus i have a great blog k bye