Fuck, it's Sunday. He'll be at church with Rhian and the boys. No, it's nearly 11am; he'll be on his way home by now.
I pull out my cell. The good doctor is the second number on my speed dial; Anastasia is the first, of course.
"John, I need to see you. Can... Yes. Yes. Five minutes."
I jog the remaining blocks to his office and wait outside the door, confused, agitated.
His car pulls up and I feel a brief moment of relief before the panic overwhelms me again.
"John, I need to talk..."
"Let's get inside first, Christian."
He's dressed in a dark suit and white shirt. I'm not used to seeing him so formally dressed. In his consulting rooms, he usually wears an open-necked, button-down shirt.
Flynn unlocks the door to his consulting rooms and ushers me in, switching on the lights as he goes.
The familiar routine in a place where I can put order to my chaotic thoughts soothes me. A little.
Flynn sits in his usual place and I in the wingchair seat.
"Anastasia is refusing to obey me," I blurt out.
He looks at me, waiting for more.
"I mean, in our wedding vows: she's saying she won't promise to obey me. How can I keep her safe, how can I protect her if she won't do it?" I stare at him, desperate.
"Has she suggested an alternative?"
"Yes," I mumble. "It was... very beautiful. She promised to... love me unconditionally."
I rest my head in my hands, unable to bear the weight of my thoughts.
"Promises don't come much better than that, Christian," he says quietly. "It's not an easy thing to do, to love someone unconditionally." He pauses. "Would you say that you loved Anastasia, no matter what?"
"Yes, of course!" I answer impatiently. "But that's not what I'm talking about."
"Actually it is," he says calmly. "You say you love her unconditionally: surely insisting that she 'obeys' you to earn that love, is not unconditional."
I blink up at him.
"I'm... I'm not insisting..." Am I? "How will I keep her safe? If anything happened to her..."
"Christian, you cannot control the whole world. You cannot wrap Anastasia in bubble wrap to protect her, no matter how much you might want to. She's a strong, determined, loving young woman: she doesn't want a gilded cage. And nor do you, not really."
I wouldn't be so sure about that, doctor.
"You love her liveliness and her energy. How many times have you sat here and smiled while you've told me how she's challenged you?"
That's true.
"So she's written her own vows?"
I nod.
"And have you written yours?"
I shake my head. "That was done several hundred years ago, John, as well you know."
He smiles. "Not what I was asking, as well you know. Let me ask you this: do you want Anastasia to be your submissive?"
"No, of course not!" Not anymore.
"Then why are you insisting that she obey you? Because I have to tell you, Christian, it's not going to happen - not with Anastasia. You've spent years in a system of relationships that is rigid and confined: far beyond the workings of most Dominant/Submissive agreements, in fact. Anastasia is the woman you fell in love with: none of the others. You have chosen to step outside your set of rules. You made that choice by falling in love with Ana. Now you have to write a new set of rules: rules where you promise to love her unconditionally no matter what. You have to decide whether or not you can... because Ana has already decided that she wants her life to be with you."
Just hearing him say those words brings some order to my whirling thoughts. Yes, my Ana has chosen me, fuck knows why, but she has. Can I make the same choice? Too late, I already have: without Ana I have no life.
I stand ready to leave.
"Thank you, John. I was beginning to..."
"I know. That's ok, Christian. Anytime. In fact, next time, could you make your urgent appointment before the kindergarten choir sing the full-length version of 'All things bright and beautiful'?"
"I'll do my best, John."
We shake hands.
