Mute

i swear sometimes i can't tell which way is up

 "Hello Audrey this is Dr.Holden calling you about yesterdays session. I would really like you to meet me for lunch tomorrow. Just call me back when you get this message." I pressed seven to delete the voice message.

 Today I had been going over the session in my head. It was one of the scariest things I had ever experienced. I thought I was going to pass out or die. I hadn't told Bradly what happen and since my mom was ignoring me I hadn't talked to her. She was taking more shifts and longer work hours. She was mad at me for not talking. Like I had a choice. From what happened yesterday I'm not sure I want to talk anymore. It's a scary thing and it shows that I have social anxiety. Something I had since I was little. Which also came with being diagnosed with depression and Selective Mutism because of this stupid disorder I had. It still couldn't be name by Dr.Holden. He wasn't sure what I was or why I wouldn't talked, I wasn't sure either.

 My fingers were pressing the contact of Dr.Holden, calling him. I put the phone to my ear and listened to it ring once, then the sound of Dr.Holden. "I'm glad you called. I just wanted to talk to you a little more. You don't even have to talk. I'll bring the pad and a pencil to write with. Meet me at Panera Bread at noon." I shook my head, but then remembering he couldn't see me.

 "Y-yeah, tomorrow, noon. G-got you," I hung up the phone. Writing down on my calender my plans just in case I would forget even though I knew I wouldn't. I put my phone down on my bed and laid back on it. Going over things I could possibly say. What could I possibly say other than the secret. Maybe he can just help me talk. Build my vocabulary and help with this social anxiety. Maybe we can finally find out what to call this disorder. Maybe now I had Selective Mutism.

 Dr.Holden walked into Panera Bread five minutes late. He spotted me at a back table and ushered over to me. Instantly handing the pad and pencil over to me. "If you can talk to me please talk, but if the same thing happens, please write." I shook my head and took the pad in my hand. Scared the same thing was going to happen.

 I'm scared , I wrote on the pad. I slide it across the table.

 "You don't have to be. I understand this is a scary thing. You haven't talked for over thirteen years. It's like your a baby again. Your a valiant person though. You can do this." You processed Dr.Holdens words in your head. Repeating the phrase you can do this over. I can do this, I'm a valiant person like he said. Whatever valiant meant, but I was sure it was good. 

 "I just want you to teach me some things. Vocabulary and how to get over this." Dr.Holden shook his head to indicate he was listening. "Can you help me with that? Don't tell anyone though. I don't want to talk to them."

 "I won't tell anyone you don't want me to tell and I can help you. We're going to need more than one session a month though. I'm going to need you to come every week. I'll teach you new words and phrases. Help you build your vocabulary. Then I'll try to help with the anxiety, but all I can give you pills and it's not like you don't have enough of those." I did have enough of those. I had pills for depression that were only supposed to be used for a year. Hoping that I would get better and start talking again, but that never worked and I've been taking them for two years now. There was also some for anxiety which I'd only had for a a few months. It was something that I had agreed to do hoping it would help me a little, but it never did. None of the things they have done have helped me. This therapy hasn't, but I love Dr.Holden like a father. I would never give him up. He's the closest person I have to communicate with this about. 

 "Audrey do you want anything to drink?" I snapped out of my thoughts and looked at Dr.Holden. He had his wallet in hand and was standing up. 

 "I'll have sweet tea." He walked off to get the drinks. 

 When Dr.Holden had came back the pad had yet another drawing. It was made unconsciously by you. The thought snapped into your head and you just started drawing. Dr.Holden took the pad from your hands. Looking over every detail that you had drawn. You had drawn the face of someone. Someone that you couldn't remember to well. You didn't know who this person was to you, but they  had popped into your mind.

 "Who is this Audrey?" I shrugged my shoulder. "Go back to the place you were a minute ago. Where did you remember seeing this face?" 

 "My fifth birthday party." 

 "Who is he to you?" I shrugged my shoulder again. 

 "I've drawn many faces before in my portfolio at home, but they've never been finished. This is the finished one though." 

 "'Your father is dead. Ernie found him. He came over to talk to your father. I told him I didn't know where he was. But I said to check the barn. And sure enough," his mother said, shrugging her shoulder, "that's where he was. Heart attack, they think. Maybe a stroke too," she added as though Bill asked.'" I read out loud to myself. Placing the bookmark in my place, I closed the book and set it on my nightstand. 

 Yesterday after the session Dr.Holden suggested for me to read books. Look up meanings that I didn't know or use context clues. As of now I was reading The Turtle Warrior. It was a incredibly good book and super sad. Something I would never see myself reading, but I got pulled into it. 

 I let out a huge sigh as I got off the bed. Slipping on my hoodie to go downstairs and get a drink of water. Turning on every light as I made my trip downstairs. I was scared of the dark especially in a house like this and this neighborhood. We didn't live anywhere bad, but we lived in front of the woods and we've had many robberies close by. Scary, but never our house.

 I got into the kitchen and got a water bottle from the fridge. I sat on the island counter. Crossing my legs Indian style. I reached for my phone in my pajama shorts pockets and started to text Bradly. He was the only person I ever talked to. It was pathetic, but he was my only friend. Now that he was away at University I barely got to see him. He was close, but not close enough to come every weekend. I see him every other weekend and he'll come on holidays. 

  I took a year off of college because I was still trying to recover from this 'disorder'. I couldn't really go to college and be mute and all. I was going for TV Production and I would need to talk for that close. Bradly and my mom think I should go for Art, but since I was little I wanted to be a director. Art just happened when therapy started. It was a way to get everything out of my mind and clear my head easily. I like it, but it wasn't my life plan. 

 I miss you Bradly. Can't wait to see you this weekend. I have a therapy session, but I'll see you after that. I love you :)

 I sent the message and got off the counter. Making my way upstairs, with my water in my hand and cutting off all the lights as I passed them. When I made it into my room I plopped on my bed, turned on the TV and drunk a sip of my water. I couldn't wait for another session with Dr.Holden and to see Bradly this week.  

A/N

Well I haven't gotten much reads on the last chapter, but I just want to update. I feel like I just should because well it needs to be uploaded before my week gets extremely busy with all these people coming to my house. I hope you like this chapter and still the title has nothing to do with the chapter.