Forever? H.S.

1

"If only time could just turn back

Cuz I've got three little words I've always been dying to tell you."

I stare at the stage. I feel my heart beating under my t-shirt. I can't believe this. My life seems surreal. I'm at a One Direction concert, and I have no idea what I'm feeling. I try to catch the emotions but I can't. All I can say is that I'm surprised, baffled even. I don't really know why. Maybe its because of what happened. The abruptness and the loneliness which followed. The worst part was that I could change the latter. I didn't want to be lonely, but I couldn't bear to go back. I was unsure....and scared. Scared of what was going to happen. Scared of what had already happened. Scared by the way life always chose to treat me.

My eyes wander on the stage and lock themselves at Harry. My heart races even faster. A wave of guilt washes over me. Flashes of what had already happened blinds me. I can't believe how wrong everything has become. How did everything end up so cruel?

My eyes water as I watch them jumping around excitedly. Harry looks so happy. This is exactly what I want, isn't it? For Harry to be happy, to have the time of his life. Then why am I so upset? Why am I hurting. Why do I long for him to notice me, to remember the times we had, to talk to me and most of all, for him to see that I still exist. I know it's only going to hurt him. Why do I want this for him? Why do I feel so selfish.?

Over the singing of the audience I hear my own voice in my head. Harry. Harry. Harry. Look at me, Harry. I'm sorry for everything Harry. Please. Please Harry. I'm so sorry Harry. Harry. Harry.

The concert is about to end. No. no. Please no. I need to do something. I need to stop this. I have to do something. I guess I could go up to his house in Holmes chapel, but I don't know how they will react, and that's what scares me the most. 

Let me give you a brief overview. Harry and I were best friends. Like the closest of close type. We were inseparable. My stepmom was an alcoholic and my dad is dead. I spent most of my time at his house which was right next to me. It was all good and we were all  so hyped for his audition in the x factor, but then something happened. My  stepmother told me I was going to have to go to some other part of Europe the night before. I couldn't believe my ears. I argued, told her that i needed to go to the audition. Harry needed me. Part of me back then knew that Harry would freak out if I told him that i had to go to some foreign place when i should've been with him. 

I ended up staying in my room the whole night weeping and packing. The next day, I was too busy thinking of how to talk to him to actually talk to him to all . An hour before he left, he asked me why I was acting so strange. I was about to tell him when he said he knew what I had done. I was genuinely confused because i hadn't done anything bad or remotely stupid lately. He started accusing me of telling people in our school about his crush. I told him I didn't, but he kept insisting i did, as no one else knew about it. Then i managed to tell him that I was going away for a month. I don't think i've ever seen him more furious. He shouted at me for being the worst best friend ever. after that, he just stalked off.

I messaged him at the airport. 

M; Hazz, I'm so sorry .....I really didn't plan any of this.

H; I trusted you with my secrets. How do I know you're not lying?

M; I'm not. Please, I'm sorry.

H; Just stop. I don't ever want to talk to you again. Bye.

And that was it. That was the last thing he ever said to me before...well, before the plane crash. After that, I went in a coma for a month and then the left half of my body was paralyzed, in which my stepmother managed to leave and sell the house without even telling them that I was alive. When I properly healed, well, physically, I was too scared by our last conversation to go back to Harry, Go back home. I managed to get a small flat near the house.

Just so you know, Harry's not a bad guy, like at all. He is literally the sweetest guy on earth. He was just a bit worked up that unfortunate day because of the audition.

My eyes trail back to the stage and I block out all those memories. I can not cope with those anymore. The past is the past.