Monster

Thirty

Romanoff might have mentioned Barnes was linked to Tony's parents' deaths, but she said it was suspected, not confirmed. It wasn't entirely a surprise, but it was hard not to think about it while I watched him mow my back lawn. I couldn't blame him for what happened. He wasn't in his right mind when Tony's parents died, but I also knew this would cause problems for–well, everyone. My parents worshiped the Starks, and my sister loved Tony. And Tony loved her back. So I couldn't imagine what would happen if I told one of the most dangerous men in the world that another one of the most dangerous men in the world killed his parents.

Howard Stark saved my grandparents' lives. If he hadn't happened upon them in an alley one night, I might never have existed. And then I wouldn't have been there to help Bucky in my own small way. It was a big, complicated mess. All I could do was hope Tony never found out.

Bucky's hair was pulled back out of his face again. I thought about taking him to get it cut so that he'd look less like the Winter Soldier and more like an ordinary guy who happened to wear gloves a lot. But I couldn't bring myself to ask him. I didn't think he'd handle a haircut very well, and I sure as hell couldn't do it myself.

I'd already mowed the front lawn and hated every second of it, so I asked him to do the back. It was smaller, and it was too hot for him to be outside with his hoodie and gloves on. So I gave him the backyard so he was free to expose his metal arm and not have to worry about the neighbors calling the police.

He was wearing the tank top and sweatpants I got for him while we were out. I stuck with darker colors since Steve's lighter ones made him stand out. Plus, I knew he'd return to sneaking around in the dark like an alley cat when our weekend was over. But if it wasn't for his arm reflecting sunlight and the big red star on the side, he would have looked like an average guy who didn't seem to know very much about modern gas-powered lawnmowers.

It didn't require much effort to push, but he occasionally stopped to shake out his metal hand. It was bothering him more than the one with the wrist brace. Of course, he did swear it was completely healed already, but the doctor in me wanted him to keep it for a little longer. The right hand was apparently dominant, even when broken. The only time I ever saw the left in action is when he was using it as a weapon. And yesterday, when he opened the jar of spaghetti sauce for me. I could mend flesh and bone, but I didn't know the first thing about repairing a cybernetic arm.

He told me he meant to hurt me that night in the kitchen. If he had complete control over his arm, he very well could have broken my collarbone. And when I woke him up from that nightmare, he could have crushed my wrist.

But I wasn't sure I believed that. Even if not fully functional, it could do a lot of damage. I was sure he wanted to warn me away, scare me even. But he didn't want to hurt me. And I knew that for a fact because the only thing that seemed to snap him out of it was pointing out that he'd hurt me.

I let him continue, even though he was struggling, just to take the time to think. He also seemed determined to get it where he wanted it to go. And he was muttering to himself. I thought that was a healthy sign. It meant his brain was focused on a menial task and not whatever horrors it churned up when he was still. The Winter Soldier was a silent killer who wore a restricting muzzle and rarely made a sound unless he was in physical or emotional distress. Bucky Barnes was pushing a lawnmower across my backyard in sweatpants, complaining about the heat, flies, and the machine not working. Like a grumpy old man with the body of an attractive thirty-year-old.

That had to mean something, right?

Tony could probably get the arm working right efficiently. In fact, he'd probably make it better than before. He could probably give Bucky more control over his own strength or ease some of the constant pain and weight. Maybe even make it less noticeable. But I couldn't risk him to Tony.